A Little Blueberry

Some Pink Surprises!

2012-02-15T17:12:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was an unexpected day off for Ian and I. We didn't sleep much the night before so we both took the day off to catch up on some sleep, and it just happened to be Valentine's Day. :)

I started the day by making Ian some gluten free pancakes (and some mini heart-shaped ones) with some Applegate organic bacon (the BEST bacon if you've never had it). He left to run an errand and came back with some gorgeous white lillies for me, my favorite. We decided to do lunch at Pei Wei and then head to the zoo, with our special box, to open it and find out the gender of our baby!

Almost three years ago, we got married at the zoo. It is one of our favorite places to go, is right by our house and we have so many happy memories there. We can't wait to have our little muffin in a stroller, walking around and showing her all the animals there, so it was just fitting that we open our box near our wedding spot. However, it was an unseasonably (well at least for this year) cold day and I was in a skirt and flip-flops so I started to rethink this decision as soon as we got there. It was freezing!

Christine got the envelope from me 6 days before, and all we asked her to do was make a piece of jewelry for us, either pink or blue, that represented the baby's gender. She didn't tell anyone but her boyfriend, Jeremy, and her mom, but some of our friends did try to get the info out of her. My mom also contacted her to make us a Build a Bear, dressed as either a boy or girl, with a recording of our lemmy's heartbeat in it. So, she had a lot to do in just a little bit of time.

Christine actually recorded herself opening the envelope, we cracked up last night watching it, I love it!

And, a couple of days before she dropped off the box, I got this picture sent to me with a text that said, "Is it Tuesday yet?" It was SO hard to not talk to her for 6 days, especially when she knew something like this. It was killing me!

My mom was also super anxious to hear the news that she texted me twice yesterday (her texts are in white):

So, off to the zoo we went and chose a bench by our wedding spot to open the box. (Our wedding spot is now a dirt spot, a teeny tiny place with a road through it. None of the plants/cactus are still there, just one lonely palm tree, so I wasn't about to sit in the dirt!) I was so nervous, I think I peed maybe 3 times before we actually settled in. It was like from that moment on the baby will no longer be an "it" but a "he" or a "she" and that is so cool but such a commitment! I thought I might actually miss those moments of wondering or that feeling of just not knowing for sure but having a feeling. Turns out, I don't miss them at all! Here it is, the big reveal. Sorry the video is so weird, Ian leaned his phone on a bench to take it and you can't hear or see us very well but you get the point:

Inside the box, in addition to a box for each of us with our bracelets in them were lemonheads (the candy) and a cute little picture frame with the girly parts in it and a cute pink paper background.

(My gorgeous bracelet! Notice the yellow charm attached? Too cute!)

(Right after we opened our boxes, it was cold, I told you and I was so happy and crying!)

(We were so surprised and happy. It was strange though because from the beginning, I just knew in my heart the lemon was a little girl. My Nani sent us this baby and I knew she would send me a girl. I told you, a little girl like my mom had me and my Nani had her.)

And, along with all of this - we got our flash drive with the ultrasound videos of our lemon on it! I was SO excited to watch them because I hadn't really paid attention while we were in the ultrasound room last week (because I didn't want to see any lady or boy parts!). Here are two of the best videos from the ultrasound (the first I like because she's stretching and in the second she's playing with her foot!):

And of course - the bear! My mom told me that babies actually find comfort (and go to sleep easier) listening to the sound of a heartbeat (probably because they hear ours while they are in the womb). So, she had Christine build this bear for us, and put a recording of the lemon's actual heartbeat inside. Christine also put a stuffed heart inside the bear (if you've ever been to Build a Bear you know what I'm talking about) and wished on it before putting it in. So cute and thoughtful, both of them! And such a cute bear for the lemmy!

After opening our box, we headed straight to Target to pick out an outfit for the lemon. THIS is what I've been waiting for - shopping! I am so excited for a future of bows, flowers, frills, ruffles and dolls - I can't wait! I keep asking Ian if he's ready for all of this too and he says he is. Now I know that some girls aren't in to all of this stuff, and that's ok too, but while she's little and doesn't really have a say in it, we plan on dressing her up so cute! So, our first outfits for the lemon, and it was the best money I ever spent! Now, we gotta get on this nursery!!!

(The cupcake onsie says "Daddy's sweetie" and the pink pajamas say "I love Mommy!")

19 Weeks and a Baby . . .

2012-02-15T17:12:00.000-08:00

(15, 17 and 19 weeks. It's funny to think I thought I looked pregnant at 15 weeks, ha!)

This week was full of some definite highs and lows. I relearned some lessons and realized just how much everyone cares, and how much everyone loves and supports us. It was a trying week but a happy one, and oh yeah . . . we also got ONE big surprise yesterday!

This week was an emotional one for both Ian and I. It was tough, but every time you have some lows, you learn some things and grow stronger, and that's what we did, together. Ian was sick this past weekend and he wasn't sure if he had the flu or if it was stress. This past year has been really hard for him, the death of our first baby, blueberry, really affected him and I don't think he's ever let go of or mourned the experience. It has been a little over a year, and right after we lost the baby he and his dad replaced 1700 square feet of our attic insulation and Ian got hurt in the process. He went to the emergency room (last March) because he felt like he couldn't breathe and they said his chest/lungs were clear but that he had costochondritis (inflammation of his chest cartilage). And, he is still struggling with it. He has tried everything - acupuncture, yoga, cupping, physical therapy, seeing a therapist, seeing multiple doctors, getting a heart ultrasound (to make sure that's ok) and trying a bunch of different medicines but nothing really seemed to take care of it completely and all he wants is to feel normal again. He has even stopped smoking and drinking (his former two favorite activities) so feels like just a version of his former self, having to let everything he used to like to do go. A combination of an anti-inflammatory medication, a muscle relaxer, bi-weekly physical therapy and monthly therapy sessions has kind of helped; but he is still plagued by panic attacks every once in a while, feeling like he can't breathe, and constant pain in his chest and back daily. It has been a long road for him, for us and for everyone around him watching him suffer. It has taken a toll on him, on our relationship and on his relationship with others. I had to relearn how he was feeling this week, and be reminded that he is still so hurt and upset, sometimes I forget because I am so excited and wrapped up in the lemon, looking towards our future together.

Lately he has come to the realization that he is still not over the death of the blueberry and has decided to commemorate the whole experience in his own way. (We have tried some other things in the past, things that have helped me, but this one is just for him this time.) It is not necessarily a memorial for the baby, he has come to terms with that (and of course is excited about his new lemon on the way), but he needs to leave the experience behind because he is hanging on to the grief of all of it and it is hurting him physically and emotionally. (I told him that he needs to post a blog on here, for husbands who have experienced loss right along with their wives because guys grieve too and sometimes it's harder for them to let go because they don't share their emotions as easily with everyone around them. Maybe he will someday soon, I truly think it would be healing for him and healing for others as well.) So, next weekend, we will be heading out the desert to put his experience to rest, hoping this will help him heal and move on. I pray for him every night and the only thing I want is for him to feel better, nothing would make me happier.

Now, don't get me wrong, Ian is super excited for the lemon to get here and to be a daddy. He does not necessarily dwell on the past, but it affects him internally, even if it doesn't show on the outside. What we went through, what everyone goes through when something like that happens, is a very private thing. People don't know how to talk to you about it, unless they've been through it, and you don't know how to talk to others about it. You tend to wall yourself off from everyone and it becomes harder and harder to connect with people, at least that's what I did (maybe not everyone is the same). Even now I am having to learn how to interact with everyone again, slowly but surely, and it's hard. And this is how it was/is for us, we grew closer together but also became this tight knit entity that was/is hard to crack through, hard to break our outer shell. Talking to his parents this week, Ian realized that he needs to start letting go, breaking down his wall and peeling back the layers of his experience to heal a little at a time, and hopefully feeling better for good. He is expecting everything that he tries to work and I am proud of him for always having hope and never giving up; it's hard when you have a chronic illness (I know because that's how my stomach was for me, for 32 years) because you feel just so down and out, like a shadow of your former self, and it's hard to stay positive. But, he's done a pretty good job and I just hope he continues to feel better and better.

Another lesson I relearned this week was about my mom. She spent the past couple of days working with Christine to come up with another surprise for me regarding the baby's gender reveal (in addition to the jewelry), and I am just always amazed at how much she loves and supports me - she is seriously my very best friend. She had a cute idea to put the baby's heartbeat, which I sent her on my iPhone a couple of weeks ago (recorded from our doppler), into a bear from Build a Bear and then have Christine (who was the only one who knew the gender) make the bear, either a boy or girl, for the baby and give it to us on Valentine's Day too. I ended up guessing the surprise (when they needed a copy of the heartbeat because I don't think you can save it on your phone when someone sends you a recording), when out to lunch with my mom, and hurt her feelings because she was so excited and then I felt really bad about it. Here I was, being such a brat about something so lovely, when I just should have kept my mouth shut and let her have her surprise because it meant so much to her (and to me, even now). Sometimes I spout off (a trait I think I inherited from my dad) in a joking manner and it sometimes hurts people's feelings. I don't meant to be mean or hurtful, it just comes out (like word vomit) and then I instantly regret it. I felt so bad for guessing the surprise and telling my mom my guess that I broke down and of course, apologized (and cried). I realized that it wasn't the surprise that I didn't want, it was all the stuff that I didn't really want. Now, this sounds terrible but I am about to explain . . .

The only things we had, from the blueberry, were my hospital bracelet (when we lost the baby), my two pregnancy tests, a picture in a frame and Ian's kachina that he made. I also had some books that a friend gave me and of course all of our hopes and dreams of finally getting pregnant after trying for awhile. After we lost the baby, I didn't want to look at any baby stuff. We put all of the books and everything else away, and it was hard for me to even hear about people being pregnant, to see babies or see pregnant people. You close yourself off from all of it, like I said before, and for a few months you are just a miserable anti-pregnant person (although secretly hoping inside that you have another chance to become a mother some day). It's totally normal; and I have a friend now who recently lost a baby and another trying to get pregnant that I'm sure feel a bit of the same thing. I totally can relate.

So, I had this feeling of not wanting to acquire anything for the lemon either. It was like the more stuff we had, the more stuff we would have to clear out if something happened. I know this is a horrible way to think, but it's also realistic when you've experienced a loss. I don't think something will happen, I am positive that the lemon is healthy and will come home in our arms in July - but I still had this hidden fear (does it really ever go away?). So, when I learned that not only were Ian and I getting a piece of jewelry from Christine but also a bear from my mom - it instantly threw me into the "oh no, one more thing to put away in case something happens mode" and I freaked. (Keep in mind, we haven't bought anything for the lemon until yesterday, aside from what has been given to us. I am almost 5 months and our "nursery" is just a spare room full of junk still!) But, after my mom and I talked and I apologized and explained it to her, she understood, and that is what makes her so amazing. And, after the big gender reveal, Ian and I both went out to Target and picked out an outfit for the baby, we are now ready to start decorating and buying stuff - I can't wait!

(All of the lemon's things, so far, except for one book we forgot to include plus the box that would tell us his/her gender!)

My mom has the ability to share feelings with people like no other, she is an empathizer (and I think I got this trait from her too). She feels what you feel and feels it so deeply for you, it is incredible. This is what allows her to be one of the sweetest and most caring people; no one would disagree, everyone loves her. I realized, at that moment, just how much my mom cares about both of us and how she just wanted to make everything perfect for us all the time. As my belly has grown she has taken me shopping, and she even bought us the very first present for the lemon. She is just as excited as we are, calls to check on us all the time and puts her heart into everything she does; and I knew this all before but had to relearn it again this weekend. She loves surprising me, knows I love surprises and was just trying to do something special and I ruined it. I had to relearn a lot this week when it comes to those I love. I have to try to be a better listener, and I hope that they will always continue to talk to me, no matter what.

I know, I know, enough with all of this - let's get to the BIG NEWS! But, before I do, I have to mention my best friend, Christine, again. She made us the most beautiful bracelets, representing the gender of our lemon, and worked so hard to make it all so special for us (and with only 6 days to do it!). In an unexpected day off (for us) yesterday, she dropped off the box that held all of the goods in it (our gifts, the flash drive with the ultrasound pics and video) and a couple of other items she snuck inside. She also went to Build a Bear, with my favorite little man, Espen (her son), and built us our surprise bear, working with my mom to make it mean so much. She did all of this as a present to us, and we can't thank her enough. She also never ceases to amaze me and I just hope I can be as good a mom to the lemon as she is to Espen. (For details of our gender reveal, with pictures and videos, check out my next post - I thought it deserved a whole post of its own!)

So, here it is . . . our BIG news . . . finally! 53% of you voted correctly! We are having a baby GIRL!!!

Song of the Week #4

2012-02-09T16:00:00.000-08:00

Yes, I realize I skipped last week and didn't post a song. I was sick for most of the week and didn't really have the energy to get up and listen to music. I wasn't inspired, that's it, and I didn't want to post something just because. So, I apologize for skipping a week!

But, this week, I'm back at it and there is only one song that I keep singing over and over in my head and it's "You Are My Sunshine." I am doing this February Photo a Day thing on Instagram (follow me: @allisonpants) and yesterday my subject was supposed to be "sun" (although all day I thought it was "sunshine" - but same thing). So, I knew, since we were going to get our ultrasound, that I would have lots of pictures of baby and that is what I wanted to post as my sunshine yesterday. So, of course, I kept singing all day in my head:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy when skies are gray.
You'll never know dear, how much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.

And yep, I usually post all of the lyrics and the song/video here - but have you listened to all of the lyrics to this song? I thought it was a happy song, all these years until today, but it's actually a sad song! Who knew?! So, instead of posting all the words, I thought I would just post the lyrics that apply, above, and keep you in the dark about the real song, like I was. Believe me, you're better off this way. ;)

Whenever I go to the OB she asks me how I am and I always say, "fine." Then she says, "What about heartburn?" And I say, "Oh yeah, I have that." And she says, " What about leg cramps?" And I say, "Yep, I have those too." So then she asks me why do I always say I'm "fine" when I actually have all of the normal pregnancy symptoms? I thought about this, after last month's visit and realized it's because I am fine. Compared to what I've been through, me and the baby are totally fine and we really have nothing major to report. None of that stuff she mentions is any big deal and all of it is stuff we can handle. So when she asks me how I am, all I really have to say is that I'm "fine."

It's just like this placenta thing. I had a small freak out yesterday (when Einstein bit my cheek and I started crying right before bed because I thought we were friends), and realized it was because I feel so great and am totally fine all of the time, and am not really worried anymore. I was so excited about yesterday, so so happy to see our baby. And then, when I heard about my placenta vs. cervix (that's what I'm calling it now), I felt gloomy again, for no reason. I was still fine, baby was still fine, everything was still ok - we were just warned that this was where my placenta was, for now, and that it will need to be checked again later on. But, it was like a dark cloud came over me and threw me right back into worrying and being sad again, just like last year. Why? Why did I let this news, that the OB wasn't at all concerned about and didn't place any restrictions on us because of, ruin my day? My lovely time? Why can't I shake thinking about it? Is it just the mom in me, a constant worrier?

So, I have decided to not let it bother me. I am FINE and everything is OK and I am happy and healthy and so is the lemon. Thank God that Ian is amazing and always calms me down, brings me back to reality, and makes me feel comfy again; I would be lost without him. And I am happy to report that today I am more at peace and am definitely feeling better, nothing has changed so why was I so worried? It's like Ian said, we have learned so much from the blueberry, we have gotten so wise and we have realized that we can't control everything and this is something else we have no control over. All we can do is stay positive, think happy thoughts, pray and keep on truckin' and growing this lemmy big and healthy. So that's what I am going to do, that will be my job for the next 5 months, and that is all I am going to worry about.

So, in short, when you ask me how I'm doing with all of this - the only answer you will get from me from now on is that "I am fine." And now you know what it means - it means that we are doing our best, moving along, not worrying or stressing about anything because that's all we can do. That is the best we've got, all we've got to give and just how it has to be. :)

18 Weeks and an Ultrasound!

2012-02-08T17:17:00.000-08:00

(There goes Ian making me hold an animal in my picture again. This time it was Einstein!)

(14, 16 and 18 weeks. Wow, what a difference!)

So, I thought I would save this post, since we went in today to have our 18 week ultrasound and see our baby for the first time since 9 weeks (man, these 9 weeks have just FLOWN by!).

And, what a week it was! So many nights I woke up obsessing about the baby and if it was a boy or a girl and couldn't fall back to sleep. I think gender thoughts were consuming me because I didn't want to think about anything else that could be wrong with the baby, so I thought about the sex instead. However, the past two nights I slept SO good, maybe I got all of my worries out or something. I finally got over being sick and started feeling better on Monday but still have this dang cough (that subsequently makes me have to pee every time!) so I was rested and ready to see the baby. I didn't take anything for my cold and didn't have a fever so I'm thankful for that, I just slept a lot and rested, it totally wore me out. It seems to be what is going around, all my kids at school are sick. Now if I could just stop coughing!

Not much else happened last week except that we saw a good friend of ours from high school and got to go to a preview party for the first two episodes of her TV show, Cougar Town (it starts Valentine's Day if you've never seen it before - totally funny!). The twins, Ian and I went and it was super fun, and great to see our friend, but the next day I realized that I maybe should have stayed home because I was back to being sick again. I napped at school on Friday and then took it easy all weekend again, colds while you're pregnant are a totally different monster, it knocked me out!

Now - the ultrasound! We went in today and got to see our lemon move around for a good 15 minutes. I was scared to really look at the screen though because I thought at any moment I would see a penis and the surprise would be ruined; so I wish I could have looked longer (and harder) because I kind of feel like I missed seeing every inch of his/her body. We decided to have the tech write down the baby's gender, and then give it to my bestie of 17 years, Christine, so she could make us something to open on Valentine's Day. She is a jewelry designer (check out her etsy shop!) and she is either going to make Ian and I something pink or something blue - and then put them in a box for us to open.

I know, I know - how can I wait 6 days knowing that my best friend knows something I don't know?! She is probably dying right now too, wanting to tell me but can't. Ugh - it kills me but it is kinda fun too - you have to admit! We still aren't sure how we are going to tell our parents or our other friends (maybe another surprise is in store for everyone?), and then we will finally go public with the news. So, readers, it could be a little while before you find out! (Doesn't it just kill you?! Probably not us much as us!)

(I am only posting two pics here because the others you can't really tell what you are looking at. This one is of the baby's profile - you can see a nose and a head and an arm, right up by his/her face. Ian thinks it's a girl because baby has my nose. He also thinks he's an ultrasound tech because he has been reading up on how to interpret ultrasounds. Ha!)

(There's baby's foot and leg, too cute!)

We got a flash drive with video of the baby moving around too (even a part where it turned a looked at us and blinked!), and had the tech put the gender on it so I had to give that to Christine also. I maybe shouldn't have had the ultrasound tech include the gender though, because it would be fun to watch the video now (and post it)! I am DYING to study it like crazy when I get it back, I want to remember every inch of that little lemmy!

We met with the doc after the ultrasound and she said everything is fine and baby is on track for a July 7th due date. She did mention that my placenta is low, not fully covering my cervix but partially, and didn't seem concerned about it. I, of course, am freaking out (and had to read everything online about placenta previa), but all that I've read sounds like the placenta most likely moves (not really, but ends up in the right place) eventually (95% of them do). She said we will check again at my 30 week ultrasound (doesn't it seem like it should be sooner?!) and make sure everything is ok. No one else seems to be worried about this, and it happens a lot in early ultrasounds (I've read), but I feel like it's just one more thing for me to worry about. I am crazy, I know. But, I am staying positive and know that my Nani is watching over us - keeping me and baby healthy and happy. Ian and I just have to keep chanting - move, move, move! :)

Today was one of the happiest days of my life, next to my wedding day, and I just couldn't believe we got to see our baby moving around. (And, if you didn't already know, 8 is my favorite number and today is February 8th.) I feel like when I look up the fruit or veggie that is supposed to represent the size of our baby each week, that the fruit or veggie is actually in my uterus, not a real baby. But today I did not see a sweet potato on that screen, I saw a baby - blinking, eating, doing somersaults, playing with his/her foot, touching his/her face, swallowing, sticking his/her tongue out and whose heart was beating, just like mine. It was a lovely experience and went by way too fast! Now, to look forward to Valentine's Day and finding out if this little lemon is a boy or girl! Don't forget to vote at the top of this page - the votes are currently tied 50-50!

Keep sending us happy thoughts and prayers, and feel free to chant along with us - move, move, move! We appreciate all of your love and support, always!

17 Weeks

2012-02-01T16:08:00.000-08:00

(Ian has an obsession with putting a different animal in this picture each week. This week it was the parakeets, Charles and Marie, but you can't even see them! It drives me nuts.)

Such an eventful week and such a late post, sorry! I have been sick since Sunday (hence my "look" in the pics above) and I just haven't been able to get off the couch to blog. But today I'm back at school and feeling just a bit better so I thought I'd try and fill you in on last week's events.

This week I got a BIG surprise, another new baby - a Toyota Prius! We have been considering this car for over a year and if you know me, you know that I have issues with making commitments, especially on big purchases. I can't ever decide, everything is always too much money and I go back and forth and end up ultimately never making a decision and forgetting about what I wanted in the first place. The same thing happened this time, so Ian decided to make the decision for me.

The problem is that everything I have, I have bought myself, nothing was ever given to me. Sure, my parents help out once in a while but most every big purchase that I've made, I've done most of it by myself. So, when it comes time to fork over the cash for something, I can't commit and I get too nervous about it to do anything. And, it isn't just with big purchases! When I buy clothes, more than half of them get returned because I talk myself out of them when I get home. And, usually when I do get something new, I hate it for awhile because it's new and I'm not used to it or I have buyer's remorse for buying it. Ian knows this all too well and so this time he just used his spontaneous personality (totally opposite from mine) and went out and made the decision for us. We needed a new car - something reliable for baby, something I could drive (since we only have one automatic) and something with another backseat since his truck doesn't have a backseat for a car seat. So, we definitely needed it.

After school on Wednesday I stopped by a house my friend was looking to buy, she wanted me to see it so I headed over. Ian told me that after he got home, he had to rush off to somewhere far away (I can't remember what city he said) to pick up a bird cage for his classroom, so that he could bring Einstein (see my previous post) to school with him during the day (remember, he is a Special Education teacher). I was mad because he was heading out to make another crazy Craigslist purchase, in the middle of traffic, and I thought it was silly because if the people wanted to give him a cage, they could wait until he could come at a time that was convenient for him. So, he left, and I got home and started dinner. He called an hour later and told me to come outside because he needed help lifting the cage (and I thought to myself, "what the heck am I going to do, I'm pregnant!") but I went outside anyway and in the driveway was the prius, the one we had test driven just a couple of days before but walked away from, for the thousandth time. I couldn't believe it, I cried and was so surprised, it was seriously the BEST surprise I've ever gotten in my life. Usually no one can surprise me, I'm too good at guessing, but this time he did it and it was wonderful! I got to drive him back to the dealership to get his truck, and drive my car for the first time, and it was seriously awesome!

I wanted a prius because each year I teach a 9 week environmental unit to my 11th graders and each year I feel like a hypocrite driving my Toyota 4runner to school every day and paying $55 in gas each week to do so. We wanted a car that was environmentally conscious, something that would save us money on gas and something that had a lot of room for a car seat and storage for road trips. The prius was just the obvious pick and after watching An Inconvenient Truth every year, and watching the documentary Fuel this past month, we just had to do it. And, as you can see, it is saving us on gas already!

(Are you kidding me?!!!!)

So, now I have two new babies and I couldn't be happier. I would have never made the decision to get the car, and Ian knows that, and I love him for making it for us. We can afford it, I just wasn't ever going to be ready for a car payment, but I am happy now that we have a new car, no matter what. (P.S. We bought the car from a reputable used car company, Le Sueur, in Tempe, Arizona and we loved their no hassle approach to sales. The company is family owned, Steven sold us the car in a t-shirt and shorts and they were really relaxed and great. However, I have some issues with their tax/length of loan options presented to Ian and the fact that the car didn't come with a spare/jack - that we had to later pick up.)

And this happiness has caused me a lot of guilt this week. Ian has been working hard on fixing little things around the house and we just hired landscapers to finally fix up our front yard (and it's done, see below). I have a new car, a baby on the way, our house is coming together and the best husband I could ask for - and I am feeling so unbelievably happy and lucky. And it's a weird feeling, after feeling so unhappy and so unlucky last year, to feel like this. I feel like at any moment it could all be taken away, or guilty that I am so happy and so many others are not. I feel so lucky to have a little lemon growing inside me but know what it's like to have that taken away, and I know that so many women are dealing with this, even now, and it makes me feel guilty to feel so good. Isn't that strange?

(While they were clearing out the "rock" that we never really had and leveling out the yard. They made 9 trips to the dump, there was so much dirt and just weird rocks in our yard.)

(We were constantly mowing these bits of grass over the past 8 years, it was so annoying for Ian to have to do all the time and we got many warnings from the city about it.)

(You can see our non-existent rocks and junk that we had in our yard.)

(Weird tree stump that never went away and always tried to grow but was too damaged to make anything good.)

(After leveling out the yard, looks so much bigger.)

(Yay, river rocks were delivered!)

(Laying down the weed barrier and rocks. Putting in drip system, no more watering our plants/trees ourselves!)

(Done! Looks SO good!)

(They gave us a new curb by the alley and since it was new we HAD to carve our initials in it, and the lemmy!)

This week a new friend found out the sex of her baby and another good friend of mine lost her baby at 5 weeks, all on the same day. All in one day someone got good news and someone got bad news, and here I was, in the middle, happy for one and so terribly sad for the other. My friend who lost her baby, communicated with me through the whole process, wanting information and to know what to expect and as I was telling her, I was overcome. It was like I was re-living my hospital visit, around this same time, last year as she was going through it. It affected me so much, I carried her hurt on my heart, and I couldn't shake it for days. I was so so sad for her, I still am, and that sadness and being able to relate never goes away. All of the stories I hear, all of the advice I give, it is always with me, I will always be able to relate. I will always know the feeling, and it was hard hearing about her experience and feeling as though I was living it right along with her. Our love definitely goes out to her and her husband this week and for months to come. You never recover from something like this, you just make peace with it and learn to keep moving forward. Staying positive, leaning on each other and leaning on family and friends definitely helps too.

On another note, as I was listening to the baby with the doppler multiple times in one day (I told you, I was sad for my friend on that day, I just had to!) I felt the baby move, I mean really move. I think it was because I had the doppler on the baby, and could hear the heartbeat really close, like the baby was right there and then when the heartbeat moved, I felt the baby move. It was like my mind connected the movements I had been feeling (but didn't know they were baby) to the heartbeat movement sound and all of a sudden, they were the same. It was the coolest thing! It felt like a hand just grazed me from the inside, just swept across my tummy. I am sure I've felt some movements since then but haven't paid much attention because I'm still new at this, but nothing like that one. I think that seeing the baby move on the ultrasound next week will do the same thing for my brain, connect those movements (popcorn popping) I feel inside to what is on the screen and it will be magical, I can't wait!

On Sunday my mom and I went to visit my nani and grandpa's grave site. We sat, wearing nani's hats, and talked to her about our lives, told her how much we missed her and just sat their arm in arm looking up at her their names there on the wall. I truly believe that my nani sent us this little lemon, that she got to Heaven, saw our baby's spirit and said, "get back down there, what are you doing here, they are waiting for you?!" My nani watches over all of us, she watches over the lemon and keeps her/him safe, I just know it. I thank my nani for our happiness and pray to her every night, to keep us all happy and healthy. It was nice going there with my mom, sitting with her and laughing; it was just like that last night in the hospital, before she died, when it was just us. I can't wait to have a daughter/son like my mom had my nani and I have my mom - to carry on the relationship I have with her, she is truly my best friend, just like my nani was hers.

(Oh my gosh, you HAVE to forgive these pictures this week! I was so sick in all of them, and that's why this one isn't enlarged like the others - ugh!)

So, that's about it. An eventful week, I got sick (and couldn't take anything so it was the worst), saw my mom, went walking again at the zoo with the twins and Ian, got a new car and experienced some happy and sad events along with my friends. I can't leave this post without also mentioning that today is February 1st and I am SO excited about it. In a week from today, we will get an envelope with our baby's sex in it, we will get to see our baby again and know that he/she is healthy and SPRING is right around the corner and then - SUMMER! So today, I am extremely happy and grateful that winter is over and that baby time is only a week away! Wahoooooooo!

Ian's Song of the Week #3

2012-01-27T15:45:00.000-08:00

Sorry I am late in posting this, it has been a heck of a week!

This week it's Ian's song again and on Monday, this is the one he played while I was getting ready. But, he had a special reason for playing it, we got a new friend at our house! Last week, Ian got a green-cheeked conure donated to his classroom, from a lady that couldn't take care of it anymore, and it has lived at our house since then. Albert Einstein, the conure, came with a really fancy cage that we ended up liking, so Ian is working on finding him a smaller cage so that during the day he can bring Einstein to school with us. (He was going to be a full-time at school bird, but we realized he would get too lonely after 3:30 every day and we'd have to bring him home.)

Let me tell you, I do NOT like birds. We have two birds already, Charles Darwin and Marie Curie, that I did not choose to get either. Charles was on the ground at our school and the kids were being mean to him so Ian picked him up and brought him home (he must have escaped from someone's house because Arizona doesn't have a wild parakeet population). Then, Ian got Marie to tame Charles a bit but that didn't work and now we have two grumpy, but pretty, parakeets living at our house.

Ian wanted a green-cheeked conure after he realized the parakeets didn't love him as much as he wanted them too and kind of kept to themselves. He researched it and looked and looked and finally found Einstein on Craigslist (so many birds people are giving away - people, keep your pets, they are your responsibility!). So, now we have three birds that I'm not particularly fond of, but Einstein is growing on me.

He nods his head yes when we say, "Did we just become best friends? Yep!" and he asks me, "Whatcha doin'?" when I blow on his feathers. He likes taking baths in his drinking water, screaming at the top of his lungs and sliding down his cage to torment the dogs until they almost bite his beak. Ian takes him out every night and lets him sit and watch TV with us, on a perch, and last night I even took him out and let him sit with me while Ian wasn't home. Like I said, he's growing on me.

So, this is the song Ian played on Monday when we had to leave Einstein and go to work. He was trying to get him to dance but since Monday, Einstein has decided he likes Beyonce's "All the Single Ladies" the best but I didn't think you'd want me to post that song here. Oh and by the way, Einstein DOES dance! (Video for song and lyrics are after the pics at the bottom of this post.)

Update: I wrote this post yesterday but didn't post it until today so that I would have time to add pictures. This morning, Einstein bit me, and so now I feel like taking back all the nice things I said about him above. But, I know he's still learning and it was partly my fault. I still cried (pregnant remember?) but I'm sure we will be friends again one day.

(The dogs are still learning the rules at our house, regarding the bird, "We don't eat our friends.")

David Bowie "Magic Dance"

You remind me of the babe
What babe? babe with the power
What power? power of voodoo
Who do? you do
Do what? remind me of the babe

I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry
What could I do
My baby's love had gone
And left my baby blue
Nobody knew

What kind of magic spell to use
Slime and snails
Or puppy dogs' tails
Thunder or lightning
Then baby said
Dance magic, dance

Dance magic, dance

Put that baby spell on me
Jump magic, jump

Jump magic, jump

Put that magic jump on me
Slap that baby, make him free

I saw my baby, trying hard as babe could try
What could I do
My baby's fun had gone
And left my baby blue
Nobody knew

What kind of magic spell to use
Slime and snails
Or puppy dog's tails
Thunder or lightning
Then baby said
Dance magic, dance

Dance magic, dance

Put that baby spell on me
Jump magic, jump

Jump magic, jump

Put that magic jump on me
Slap that baby, make him free
Dance magic, dance

Jump magic, jump

Put that baby spell on me (ooh)

You remind me of the babe
What babe? the babe with the power
What power? power of voodoo
Who do? you do
Do what? remind me of the babe

Dance magic, dance, ooh ooh ooh
Dance magic, dance magic, ooh ooh ooh
Dance magic

What kind of magic spell to use
Slime and snails
Or puppy dog tails
Thunder or lightning
Something frightening

Dance magic, dance
Dance magic, dance
Put that baby spell on me
Jump magic, jump
Jump magic, jump
Put that magic jump on me
Slap that baby make him free
Dance magic, dance

Jump magic, jump

Jump magic, jump
Put that magic jump on me
Slap that baby
Dance magic, dance

Dance magic, dance

Dance magic
Slap that slap that baby make him free
Dance magic, dance

No More Repeats

2012-01-22T17:08:00.000-08:00

I didn't remember that today was January 22nd until Ian asked me about it an hour ago. I thought about it all week and told myself to remember, but I forgot. Isn't that weird?

A year ago today we were doing this. Now, I am sitting here typing, 4 months pregnant, while Ian hangs blinds in our kitchen (we have a whole list of home projects to do before the lemon comes, of course). Who knew this is where we'd be a year from now? Life is strange.

I don't want to acknowledge today too much because instead of remembering the day we lost our blueberry, I'd like to remember his/her birthday every year as a celebration of his/her life instead. The only thing I will say about today is - from this moment forward there are no more repeats.

There will be no more moments of "I was pregnant last year when we got our tree," or "I was pregnant last year when we went for nails on Christmas Eve" or "I told my family and friends I was pregnant today and am pregnant again." No more repeats. Today marks a fresh start, a real one, where every day is something new, a day I am pregnant for the very first time with a 4 month old baby. Isn't that a lovely thought?

This has been my journey of "no comparisons" but it has been hard not to compare (at least in my head of not on here). But today, there really can be no more comparisons. It's like I finally have to live it all anew, and I love it.

One day at a time. One baby at a time. One thought at a time. One memory at a time. Staying positive, getting excited, looking towards the future - that's us. So today will not be a sad day for us, instead it will be a day to move on, the last day that we will live in a shadow, and now can immerse ourselves fully in the light. A day to stop worrying. No more repeats.

The comments that I've received from those who have also experienced a loss have brought me to tears. Sometimes I don't know what to say, but I have to speak from the heart. Everything I say sounds like all of the things I would have hated someone to say to me, but they are what I truly believe - things WILL get better. You WILL have another baby and everything will be ok next time. It's hard to believe, but it will happen for you. Reading your posts about how my experience has helped you has affected me in a way you'll never know, I can't even read the words I wrote a year ago today - still. Thank you for reading, thank you for sharing and thank you for writing. I wrote to help others, and I am happy it has helped you find your voice or to bring you peace. I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

There is hope. We are living proof. Hang in there, be strong, stay positive and know that you are not alone. We are all in this together, take one day at a time. Breathe in, breathe out. You can do this too, you will be here one day. Have faith in yourself and those you love. I am here for you.

4 Months!

2012-01-22T14:02:00.000-08:00

I always think of a million things to write about all week long and then when I'm finally ready to write I ask myself, "What was that I was going to say? What have I even been doing this week?" And then I start writing and it just all comes out, scattered, but here it is.

4 months, 16 weeks - can you believe it?! We can't sometimes and that's why on more than one occasion at the beginning of the week I listened to the lemon's heartbeat on our doppler just to make sure he/she was still in there, growing away. The 2nd trimester is amazing, as they all say, but you really don't feel pregnant, aside from the belly. Your lady parts are less sore, your energy has returned and you feel just like your old self. Thank goodness for that doppler or I would be freaking out!

On Monday Ian made me walk almost 2 miles to Big Lots by our house to get BBQ sauce for our organic, grass-fed steaks we were making that night. I was fine most of the way and then on our way home I started getting kind of dizzy and tired but made it. (I guess that's when you remember that you're pregnant!) I cancelled yoga Tuesday, met my dad for dinner, said goodbye to my mom (she's in Hawaii, lucky duck), walked the zoo with friends and spent a relaxing weekend here at home cleaning and getting ready for this next week. Oh and we went to a dog show by our house, Paws for a Cause, and I had never seen anything like it in real life (not on TV I mean).

(Walking the zoo with delicious kettle corn!)

Ian and I were driving home from school on Friday, trying to make it so that we could walk the zoo before it closed, and saw a sign that said Dog Sporting Event Public Welcome. How could we not check it out? We drove by and the dogs were out training, and it looked fun, so we decided to go back on Saturday to see the events. Christie and I walked there, Jeremy and Espen met us and later Ian and Tozzi met us too. We saw dogs jumping into a pool, dogs chasing a remote-controlled squirrel, dogs doing an obstacle course, and dogs relay racing - it was SO COOL. I brought Zoe and she had a blast, but the old lady was tired by the time we got home. I was tired too and napped on the couch!

I even found a food truck there called Pizza People that had gluten free 10 inch pizzas that were DELICIOUS (me waiting in line, above). So delicious in fact that I ate half pizza there and then we got one to go and ate another half when I got home. Weird that just on Wednesday I was googling "2nd trimester not hungry" and now I was eating a whole pizza for lunch by myself! Funny how things change so fast when you're growing a baby!

I haven't done a post on food lately but did make some yummy things this week so I thought I'd include them.

(Applegate wheat free corn dogs from Whole Foods, awesome. Try the Applegate organic bacon too, we made BLTs with it and they were to die for!)

(Got some organic sausages from Whole Foods too and cut them up in rice pasta, broccoli and onions.)

(Here are our steaks - turned out SO GOOD with mushrooms and squash from the grill!)

(Organic pork chops with veggies from the grill, I season them with only garlic powder, salt, pepper and apparently nutmeg - see below!)

(Made salads on Friday with the leftover pork chops, so good but we could barely finish them, they were huge! Sorry about the hair but this is me at home!)

Pregnancy related news? Let's see, I wake up to pee twice a night and Ian got me a night light so now I don't even have to turn on the light or shut the door (awesome because it's a pocket door that makes noise when it shuts). Sometimes I wake up starving in the middle of the night and have to eat fruit snacks in order to go back to sleep so now I keep them by the bed just in case. Ian thinks it's the most hilarious thing when he wakes up to me crinkling the fruit snack wrapper. (He also thinks it's hilarious when I use nutmeg to season our pork chops instead of pepper, so hilarious he posted a pic on his Facebook!)

I was sitting at my desk earlier this week, at school, and felt a poke, from the inside, and it clearly wasn't gas but I'm not sure if it was baby because I have no idea what that is supposed to feel like. No flutters or anything but some popcorn popping or tapping for sure has happened, just don't know if it's food or not. I know it is early but I hope to feel more movement this week, maybe that will stop me from having to check on baby with the doppler all the time! I did, however, on Friday wait until really late at night to listen, I was just so calm and relaxed all day (and feel all of your happy thoughts) that I didn't feel the need to listen, I just knew he/she was ok.

Speaking of feeling the love, I hope that you all read my post thanking you for your good vibes, I truly do feel them every day. We both do and are so happy we have all of your love and support. Speaking of, doesn't today carry a special date? (More on this in my next post.)

Song of the Week #2

2012-01-17T15:54:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is about driving to school by myself but I always end up in tears, listening to music full blast in the car. This morning was no exception and this was the song I listened to.

We went public (why do I keep wanting to say "live?") last night with our pregnancy news and this morning, I truly felt the love. All the love. I was overwhelmed, I started crying and had no idea why, but I was just so so happy. All of the thoughts, prayers and just overall good vibes came to me like a gush of wind, hit me and took my breath away today.

The outpouring of well wishes and congrats here, on our Facebook pages and with phone calls is amazing. So many tears of joy for us, knowing all that we've been through, so much shared happiness. I am grateful to have you all in my life, whether I see you every day or not. Isn't Facebook a strange thing? We are "friends," I know much about you, but we don't speak or see each other and some of you I haven't talked to in years. But when we lost our blueberry, many of you wrote me about similar situations and I felt like I got to know you, maybe even to know a part of you that many others did not know. I felt connected to you.

Recently, I shared this blog on The Bump with women who have gone through the loss of a baby. That is the reason I wrote about all of this, after all, to help others. I received two comments on my posts (about our loss) that touched my heart, and one woman even linked my post on her blog, and also sent it to her family, because she felt that my words were her words that she just couldn't say. How amazing is that? Aren't we all connected in one way or another?

So, this post goes out to all of you, my friends, no matter if I see you, talk to you daily or not. Thank you for your love, support and happy thoughts - I felt them today and cried tears of joy, tears of happiness.

I don't want to forget my husband in this post. He is my best friend and we have been through the roughest year of both of our lives together. He works so hard to make me happy, always checks on me when I'm away from him and shows me that he loves me 100 times a day. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life and wouldn't know what to do without him. Laying in bed and laughing with him is one of my favorite things to do, and I'm so happy we have those nights back, and I hope for many more in our future. Ian, this one is also for you. (Lyrics are below if you want to sing along!)

"Neon Lights" Natasha Bedingfield

Everyday there's a thousand things that somehow pass us by
Gotta cut through the noise so you can know what love sounds like
I'm gonna tune your frequency to 106.ME
So there's no distractions

Take a breath, take it in, love has no expiration date
My heart will always beat for you at a constant rate
It will outlast everything you think you set in stone
It goes on and on, and on and on, on and on, and on and on

Buzzing like neon lights, can you feel my love?
Loud and clear, pulls you near, can you feel my love?

We got all the memories, so much more we can't see
Better than our first kiss, snow falling at Christmas
Like sleeping in on Sunday, laughter we never fake
Bob Marley in summer, 'One Love' for each other

Oh, it feels like fireflies, day and night
Can you feel my love?

Everyone is looking for a special connection
But it's like your compass points a million directions
Do you need me to buy you a telescope so you can see?
How good this could be?

Oh, buzzing like neon lights, can you feel my love?
Loud and clear, pulls you near, can you feel my love?

Oh, we got all the memories, so much more we can't see
Better than our first kiss, snow falling at Christmas
By like sleeping in on Sunday, laughter we never fake
Bob Marley in summer, 'One Love' for each other

Oh, it feels like fireflies, day and night
Can you feel my love? Can you feel it?

And I'll wait for you as long as it takes
Until I get through and it hits you right in the face
Can you feel my love?
Can you feel my love?

We got all the memories, so much more we can't see
Better than our first kiss, snow falling at Christmas
By like sleeping in on Sunday, laughter we never fake
Bob Marley in summer, 'One Love' for each other

Oh, it feel like 'One Love' for each other
Can you feel my love?

Buzzing like fireflies, neon lights, day and night
Can you feel my love?
Fireflies, day and night
Can you feel my love?

A Noiseless, Patient Lemon

2012-01-16T15:49:00.000-08:00

Welcome readers! We are excited to announce that we are expecting a little lemon on July 7th! (Lemon = baby if you haven't figured it out yet.) You are reading these posts in January when they were actually written from November until now. This time, we decided to keep the news to ourselves until after the first trimester, a wiser version of us figured it was just best this way.

So, here you are, and we are happy you finally get to read these lemony pregnancy posts! (I decided to go backwards because I know you probably want to read the most recent posts first, so scroll all the way to the bottom if you want to start from the beginning.) Enjoy!

15 Weeks

Hello there all of you! This is my first post where I know everyone is reading, live, and it's so scary but fun! It's also nerve-wracking telling the world, it was much easier just keeping this between Ian and I for the first couple of months, there was just no pressure and it was a lovely little secret just for us. But of course, our hope is that you will all be sending us, and our little lemon, all of your happy thoughts, prayers and good vibes until July. Telling the world is fun when you realize just how many people are wishing your little baby to grow, grow, grow and be healthy! So, please keep us in your thoughts over these next 6 months, it just may keep me sane!

We had another OB appointment today where we got to listen to the heartbeat and ask some questions. I told Ian to practice his surprise face for when she plays the heartbeat on the doppler, since we just heard it this morning at home (read our previous posts below). Even though I hear it every day, it is still music to my ears and her doppler is fancier than ours so it was still fun. Our next appointment is February 8th where we get to find out if the lemmy is a boy or a girl. We are hoping for a girl but really just want a healthy baby, no matter what.

Our OB was proud of me because I only gained 2 pounds from the last time she saw me, a month ago. I told her that I started walking again and doing prenatal yoga - so it all must be helping. I was happy because when I weighed myself yesterday I thought she was going to yell at me, but I don't know what baseline weight she has for me (since they weigh me in the afternoon and with all of my clothes on) so I guess I'm doing ok. Wahoo! I really don't care either way because when I'm hungry I eat because I know baby needs it. It would have been different if this was my first time around and I could have worked out from the beginning and not have been so nervous, but (going along with my "no comparisons" deal) this was how it was supposed to be and I have no control over it - so who cares?! Baby is healthy so I'm happy.

What yoga DVDs have I been doing you may be asking? Well, my blog friend, Ashley, recommended some and I got them and have been switching off between them (wearing my heart rate monitor of course - thanks twinsies!). (I try to keep my heart rate under 140, like they say online, and because I'm just a scaredy cat and don't want to over work myself.) I really like this one and this one, that she did while she was pregnant. I also got this pilates one but I have to work back up to it, I took about 2 months off from working out when I first found out I was pregnant, so my stamina isn't as great as it used to be. She has previews of the DVDs on her blog post here if you want to see a clip before you buy them (my links are to the DVDs on Amazon). I have been trying to alternate between a yoga DVD and walking every day, unless I am really tired and drained, then I just relax. You gotta listen to your body and your baby, that is most important.

So, that's about it. Now you know why I've been such a slacker on my blog posts these last few months, because I've been doing these and my regular ones too! It will be so nice to combine the two now, phew! So, scroll down for more on what me, Ian and the lemon have been doing these past almost 4 months. We hope you enjoy reading about our journey because I know I love writing about it. Keep us in your thoughts and lots of love to all of you readers too! Our lemon is now LIVE and officially on the internet! Wooooo! :)

14 Weeks

1/8/12:

Decided to start taking belly pics today, what do you think? Also, this week our lemon is actually the size of a lemon, isn't that exciting?!

Last week I got mad at all the jeans/pants taking up space in my dresser that I couldn't wear, so I bought some storage tubs and packed them all away to put in the attic. Even though you get so excited for a baby, and ARE so excited, the changes in your body still make you feel weird and dumpy - must be a girl thing. I am not sad about any of it, am not complaining, but you do start to feel less like your fit, healthy self and more like a dumpy old mom. So, I HAD to do something about it!

(This was the first of TWO tubs, as you can see it's overflowing!)

Then, all the bigger jeans that I had kept to wear while I was pregnant, I decided to sell on Craigslist. I didn't fit in these anymore either and the styles were older and I just wasn't into them. So, goodbye 14 pairs of barely worn American Eagle and Gap jeans!

Then, on Friday, my mom took me shopping at Kohl's to get some new pants for school. I don't know what I would do without her, she's a life saver! I got a new haircut/color and had some pants that fit, I love my mom!!! She really does know how to make a girl feel better. :)

Christine and my sister-in-law Kelly also got me a gift card for a fancy maternity shop for when I need even bigger clothes. I'm sure this is not far in my future and can't wait to pick out some more cute stuff! Patty, Ian's mom, also gave me some gift cards instead of Christmas stuff so I'm saving those too. Who knew you'd go through your clothes so fast when pregnant - or is it just me?

The BEST thing to do is to go out and get some regular jeans, your favorite style (for me that's American Eagle) in a bigger size. We did that about a month ago, my mom and I, and I live in them, so comfy and you feel like your normal self. This is important, guys just don't realize!

1/13/12:

So, yesterday I went on The Bump for the first time since losing the blueberry last year. I checked out the 2nd Trimester message board and the July 2012 message board and met some ladies. I visited the Loss message board and replied to a few people, letting them know about my blog and my posts from last year detailing my experience (I will do a regular post about this). After I started reading their posts, I started to get really nervous.

I started thinking all kinds of terrible thoughts and getting scared like I used to feel back at 5 weeks or 7 weeks. Why did I do this to myself? And posting on The Bump made it feel like last year again and THAT made me nervous. I told myself I was fine, the lemon was fine and there was nothing to worry about, but now I can't shake this nervous feeling again. Ugh.

I think I listened to her/his heartbeat 3 times last night after all this. She/he is in there still ticking away, healthy and happy I know it. What is wrong with me?!

13 Weeks

1/3/12:

Wow, did I just write a 12 at the end of that date?! Crazy! I haven't updated in awhile because we have just been so busy on our break from school, but I am trying to catch up.

Here's what we, and the lemon, have been up to. Every morning we wake up and listen to the lemon's heartbeat and for a couple of days I think I was finding my own instead of hers (did I mention we started calling the lemon a her?). So, I left it up to Ian to find and he is magical at finding baby, he just feels around with his finger, lightly, for a second on my tummy and then puts the doppler on it and voila - there she is! It's amazing and something I look forward to doing every day with him.

I have been feeling really good lately, haven't had to nap and have had energy to help with home improvements during our break. It is kind of fun to have the time off when I started to feel like myself again, that way we can work together and get things done!

I am back to only peeing once a night now but I do wake up around 3-4am and just lay there, must be the hormones. I am not sweating or anything weird, I just wake up sporadically. I kind of miss the progesterone that totally knocked me out, but I'm sure this is just the beginning of a weird sleeping schedule that I will have, as a mom, for the rest of my life.

I am also over 13 weeks today so I'm practicing not laying on my back as much while I sleep. I didn't sleep on my back much before, but it was a stopping point between rolling over to my other side. It's pretty tough and you roll around a lot trying to get comfortable, and it's a quick roll now from one side to the other - it is definitely going to take some getting used to.

I have been really bad about updating about the lemon because I'm just not sure when to go public with this. I will be 14 weeks on Saturday, the official end of the first trimester, but we don't have our next appointment until January 16th. But, nothing will really happen at this appointment, just a doppler listen again (which we do every morning ourselves), so why wait? Do I post this today? Or wait? I don't know, it's just so scary to tell the world wide web!

So, feeling great, lots of energy, lots of peeing but lots to do around here. Maybe going public soon, who knows?!

12 Weeks

12/24/11:

My mom told her brothers and sisters, my aunts and uncles, tonight about the lemon. We will be seeing them tomorrow for Christmas ravioli dinner so I'm excited to get hugs and congrats.

She wondered why we didn't want to tell them ourselves (since I just saw everyone this morning at nails) and I don't know why, I just didn't want to be there. The second time around the hugs and congrats are fun, but still kind of sad and nerve-wracking. It's like you still are hanging on to the baby you lost and with each new hug it just reminds you a bit, not in a bad way, but you feel sort of guilty, like we already did this. It's hard to explain and only moms who have lost will understand. I just would rather have the after-hugs then the during-hugs, I don't know why exactly.

I got a new doppler today and plan on trying to find baby tomorrow. They say that it takes awhile and to not get upset if you can't find the heartbeat, they are machines that are supposed to be left up to professionals. But, I'm crossing my fingers!

12/25/11:

&lt;p&gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&lt;/p&gt;

(Excuse the below the pants shot, but that's where you gotta look! Also excuse the no makeup and my super weird face. The doppler reading is wrong, it was 160 when I first found it but of course when we turned on the video it dropped down and then fluctuates up and down. It does that every time we look, maybe because baby moves and it can't get a read, but the sound is right on!)

11 Weeks

12/19/11:

Yes, we told Ian's parents last night, and his sister Kelly who came shopping with us. My mom even met us at the same restaurant we told her at (Picazzo's - yum!) and was there when we shared the news.

They were so happy for us, their eyes just lit up and we got lots of hugs. Ian's mom said she kind of knew too but didn't want to say anything until we did. I met her later in the bathroom and told her that I just didn't want to disappoint them again, and she said that we could never disappoint them. She said it's like her sister said to her, "Ian and Allison can do anything, and this was just something they couldn't do, it was disheartening for them, they weren't used to that." Patty is so matter-of-fact and that's what I love about her, she put it all into perspective, all I had been thinking, in just a simple sentence. I love her and am so happy she understands, she always understands.

No more secrets, our immediate families know. Now, to tell everyone else and you readers - when?!

12/20/11:

We met our OB today for the first time. She was really nice, and actually reminded me a lot of my friend June - really smart, really quick and really matter-of-fact. I liked her.

We didn't get an ultrasound like we thought, not sure why I thought that, but we did get to listen to our baby on the doppler, and it was AWESOME! She said everything was fine and that she'd see us again in 4 weeks for a check up.

It was really fast and she seemed like we should have had more questions for her, but we didn't, so we just kind of talked about things way out in the future like where we were going to deliver and so on. She did talk about my weight, which we heard she was notorious for, and said I gained 7 pounds in 11 weeks. She also said that whatever you gain by 20 weeks, you triple it, and at the rate I'm going I could end up gaining 45 pounds total. I told her that I am deathly afraid of throwing up (and haven't yet) so I eat whenever I feel nauseous. She said that's fine but that maybe it's time I start working out again - yoga and walking. I agree with her, sadly.

I can stop taking my progesterone and baby aspirin now so that's good, but I'm scared I will wake up in the middle of the night now, or get those dreaded night sweats again like I had with the blueberry. I guess my body makes it's own progesterone now so I don't need to supplement it. Weird.

She also added that if we haven't told anyone yet, this is the time we can start telling people. That's a relief because my mom is driving me nuts about telling her sisters and brothers. It's both scary and exciting to tell the world, am I ready yet

10 Weeks

12/10/11:

I told my other best girlfriends today at our 2nd Annual Christmas Cookie Party. Telling people is scary, like your jinxing something, but also not telling them sucks too, like you are hiding something from the people you love. I always feel like there's something unsaid going on, and there is, when I'm around people I want to tell and can't yet - it is an awful feeling and I'm anxious the whole time. I have actually avoided these two girls for weeks because I was so scared to see them and not tell them, or see them and them notice that I'm pregnant.

And it's so silly too, because if something happened, you'd tell these people about it, so why not tell them you're pregnant? My girlfriends were there with me through it all last time, and I knew they would be again, so why wait to tell them something like "I was pregnant and I lost the baby" when I could just tell them now "I'm pregnant!" (I know it sounds so morbid but this is how your brain works once you've experienced a loss.) They are like sisters to me so I'm not sure why I waited so long to say something, but I did. It was nice keeping it in for awhile, just for Ian and I, but then I saw them and I HAD to say something, I just had to.

Jenny has been trying to get pregnant for awhile now and I was nervous about telling her the most. I didn't want her to be upset, and these last two months I've been anxiously waiting for that text saying "I'm pregnant" so we could be pregnant together! But, it hasn't happened yet (it's not her time yet) so I told her. She was so happy for me, and so was her sister, Christie cried her eyes out (she was the one there with me in the hospital last time). I also told our friend June who cried too, everyone was so happy for me, for us.

You don't think about how a miscarriage affects those you love, you always concentrate on how it affects you, it's hard to do otherwise. But, when Ian's mom found out that we lost the blueberry, she said it was the saddest day of her life. And Christine's dad told her the other day that when her sister lost her baby at 24 weeks, it made him lose faith a bit. And my friends, with tears in their eyes, looking at me - it affected them too. I am so lucky to have such loving, sensitive and caring people in my life - they were worried about me for so long, they care so much.

We haven't told Ian's family yet, although tonight my sister-in-law, Ashley, made a funny comment like she already knew. Ian wants to tell his parents so badly but I still have this feeling like I let them down last time and I don't want to do it again. I still feel like I failed them, for some reason, and it's why I have separated myself a bit from everyone. It's my own thing, I know it isn't true, but it's how I feel and I can't help it. I want them to be proud of me, proud of us, and I know they are no matter what, I just don't want to let them down again.

12/11/11:

Tonight we watched the movie "The Help." No one warned us about the miscarriage scene or the scene after where the girl planted a rose bush for every baby she lost, and it showed about 4 rose bushes in her backyard while she planted a new one.

I looked over at Ian and he was crying, still so affected by everything we've been through this last year. It sticks with you, you hang on to it, even though you are feeling better. It never goes away - this loss.

We are so happy, so excited about our future, about the lemon. But the loss of blueberry is still with us, every day. You truly never forget.

12/15/11:

Feeling oh so dizzy these last two days. I read that it's totally normal, just your increased blood flow, and that you should eat more frequently, drink water and rest. Hard to do with the end of the semester fast approaching at school!

I bought a home doppler on ebay last friday (pay day!) and was so excited to get it and try it out. My blog friend Julia recommended the Hi Bebe brand but I got the Sonoline B one, a cheaper version but also one that was supposed to be good. It arrived yesterday and I was so happy because I wanted to try it out before our next appointment on Monday (11 weeks, 2 days!) but the stupid thing was broken! I searched and searched all over the internet on how to troubleshoot it and fix what was wrong, but no one had apparently had the same problem. It just had three dashes across the front that flashed and flashed, no little heart symbol, no mode number, nothing. It is supposed to do a test right when you turn it on and then go into operating mode, but it never did. It just flashed and flashed. I even put it up to my neck to see if it just needed to read something, but nope, it didn't do anything. Ugh. I contacted the ebay seller and haven't heard back, I hope they can tell me how to fix it our send me a new one!

I'm nervous about Monday. It has only been almost 2 weeks since we last went to the OB and everything was fine, but this is the big one. The appointment where I hope to see an 11 week old baby, moving and jumping around. This is the one where we meet our actual OB for the first time, a new one we've never met (since I switched doctors), and she will use a doppler to let us hear the heartbeat. I'm SO excited.

We are going shopping with Ian's parents on Sunday, just the two of us and them. We want to tell them then, since no one else will be around, and then we can share the good news from our OB visit on Monday with our families - everyone we love. I'm nervous about telling them but I know that this lemon is healthy and happy, and that there's nothing to be nervous about. It's my own issues, I just gotta get over it!

9 Weeks

12/5/11:

Our second visit to the OB was today and I was in freak out mode ALL DAY LONG. Our ultrasound was at 3:30pm and so from about 12 on my heart was racing and I was driving myself nuts. Walking up to the building you have to climb stairs and I thought I was either going to pee my pants or throw up, at one point I even told Ian that I couldn't do it and didn't want to go.

But, we went and everything was fine. We got in right away so I didn't have time to go crazy some more in the waiting room, and saw our little peanut shaped lemon on the screen. I cried again, so did Ian, and the all-business tech wasn't so bad this time, much nicer. She took some measurements and some pics and then sent us on our way.

Oh, and we heard that lovely lemony heartbeat again - music to my ears. So, 9 weeks 2 days - we made it!

12/6/11:

One of Ian's new students wanted to say hi to me so he sent her up with a fake "letter" that she had to deliver to me ASAP. It was really cute and wasn't anything important, but made my day.

8 Weeks

11/26/11:

I told my dad tonight at dinner that I was pregnant. He was happy, although he reacted the way I thought he would, with just a bit of emotion, but I could tell. Dad's and daughter's relationships are tough and sometimes I feel as though we are still working on ours.

He told me that I shouldn't expect him to be like a normal "grandpa" and I told him that I bet when he sees that baby, his mind will change. He also told me that he may be giving up his place here in Arizona and moving to Oregon full time. It made me sad, neither of my parents have ever lived away from me, and it made me even sadder thinking the baby will be here and he will miss so much of his/her life. More on this to come I suppose.

11/28/11:

Tonight we had another guest instructor for yoga from a place called Urban Yoga. Thank goodness I wrote to them at the beginning of the year thinking my yoga students needed different teachers, aside from just me, because little did I know I wouldn't want to be doing yoga while pregnant! I had no idea it would work out so well but I am so thankful for Mollie last week and Dana this week - and the kids loved them both! Napping on the floor of my classroom has become pretty commonplace now, especially on yoga days. And, I took a mat from our PE room that is more squishy than mine, and have a pillow and blanket stashed in my room, so it's pretty comfy. I just wish I had a loveseat to nap on - wouldn't that be great?

(My view while laying on the floor of my classroom.)

I am also thankful for my friend Elise, another teacher at school. If it weren't for her I wouldn't be able to get through yoga days where I don't have a guest teacher. I told the kids I hurt my back and so now I just say the poses and Elise models them, she has been a total life-saver! Thank you friend!

12/1/11:

December means the end of the first trimester. December means we get to see our baby again in 5 days. December means telling all of our family. December means a big belly. December means Christmas and winter break and family and fun. December will be an amazing month for us, I can't wait.

12/2/11:

Wow, crazy pregnant dreams the last two nights. It is unbelievable how vivid they are. I also get up to pee twice a night now, ugh.

7 Weeks

11/25/11:

We told my mom tonight after heading out to dinner with her. She said she knew but didn't want to ask and was so excited for us. She cried and hugged us and then we talked about some baby stuff, although I still feel weird making plans and talking about the future. I'm so relieved to have told my mom, she is my best friend and it was hard to keep the secret from her!

6 Weeks

11/14/11:

I couldn't sleep last night, I've had this day in my head for two weeks, ever since I found out about the lemon. Today was the day we were going to see our 6 week old baby and I was beyond excited, and a little nervous too.

But, as I've learned over this last year, things don't always go as planned. Ian and I were set to leave school at 12:30 to head to the OB at 1:15 for an ultrasound and appointment when I checked my phone at 12:15, after teaching my 4 classes in a row, and there was a message from them. There was no ultrasound tech in the office today so they had to reschedule my appointment. I'm sorry, can't the doctors do the ultrasound? Don't they know how excited I was? The next afternoon appointment they had was on the 28th, but by that time I'd be over 8 weeks and there WAS a reason I was coming in early. Ugh.

They called me twice last week to confirm my appointment today, 2 automated calls (for some reason) AND the OB called me to tell me she'd see me today. Then, they cancel? I barely slept last night because I was so worried and wanted to just SEE this baby! To ask about progesterone which I thought I was supposed to start RIGHT when I got pregnant (but was told to wait until my appointment to ask about it). They should KNOW their patients, they should KNOW that I can't wait any longer to see this lemon and that I was SO looking forward to it just to make sure he/she is doing good. Ugh, I hate doctors. I wish I knew of a good midwife (can't ask anyone because it's still a secret) that would come to our house and let me see the baby whenever I want, wouldn't that be nice?

I have to be patient and have faith that everything is ok. That's it and apparently I still have some patience to learn because I got MAD today. I was in tears and called the nurse practitioner so upset and I hope they call back so I can tell them just how mad I am.

Calm down, breathe. I made another appointment for Thursday (THAT'S THREE DAYS AWAY!) and now have to take the whole day off to go in at 10am. Today, Ian and I had already arranged for just afternoon subs, it's so frustrating. What are my students going to do without me? I had planned on being here - so annoying. Oh well, Thursday it is and a whole day off (when I'm supposed to be saving these days for actual baby time!).

I was going to post a photo here and tell you a story about how I told my mom today but I guess that will just have to wait. Patience, Allison, patience.

Later that day, I realized why I was so upset. It was like not being able to see the baby meant that there was no baby and it was like I lost a baby all over again. Once I snapped back to reality (I'm pregnant and definitely overreacted) I was happy because I knew I was still pregnant and would see our baby eventually.

The nurse practitioner called me later that afternoon to apologize and I told her she was lucky I didn't talk to her sooner or I would have been crying and yelling. I knew that by the tech calling in sick she probably ruined a lot of people's plans to see their babies and take off work, so I wasn't the only one. And, if she was sick, she was sick, and we couldn't change that. I calmed down and, instead, got excited for Thursday.

11/16/11:

I had yoga last night at school and was dead tired before it started. I even took 2 mini naps at school but they didn't help. Ian came up to say goodbye, because I stay at school until 5:30 on yoga nights, and rubbed my shoulders and talked to me about how I didn't want to stay and do yoga. Just as he was leaving my classroom, he sang a little song he made up on the spot to my belly. It was short, only a couple of lines, but it was really cute and as he sang it he shook my belly and talked to the lemon.

Later, just when I was heading off the yoga room, I got a message from him. In his text were more lyrics to the song that he had written, before he left school. I cried. Not just cried, but cried out loud, sobbed. It was so touching and made me so happy, and I am so pregnant so that probably added to my happy crying.

Here is the song he sent me so you know why I loved it so much (make up your own tune to sing it to, I will always have his in my head from now on).

You're gonna get a little belly

that's gonna be like dirt

that's gonna grow a seed

that's gonna be a person.

We're gonna have a little person

that's gonna look like you

that's gonna look like me

that's gonna live in our house.

We're gonna take that little person

and teach it all about the pretty things we see

then we'll send it off to college.

We're gonna buy a little beach house

with flowers in the front

and an ocean in the back

so our person can come visit.

We're gonna hold eachother's hand

and look back at this time

when things feel so unsure

then we will hug our person's person.

Even as I type this, I have tears streaming down my face. I love him, he is my everything, and I am oh so happy at this moment.

11/17/11:

Going to the doctor today was nerve wracking. It was a relaxing morning, and nice sleeping in, but I could hardly sleep because I was so nervous/excited. We got to the doctor at 10am and had to wait for awhile before getting called back for the ultrasound.

A really snotty, all business, sort of girl, dressed in regular clothes took us back into a really nice, but super medical looking ultrasound room. The lights were dim and there was a video screen where I could see it hung high on the wall. I laid on the table and was prepared to have to put on a gown but she said she could just try to do a stomach ultrasound since my bladder was full. She turned on the screen I could see and I told her I didn't want it on, that last time I saw a baby on the ultrasound screen it wasn't moving, but she said, "positive thoughts" in a really non emotional way.

Now I understand she does this all day long (and was probably the one that called in sick!), and has to deliver bad news to people sometimes, but I was not in the mood for her snappy attitude. She didn't expect to see anything strange but she HAD to understand that we kind of did, going through what we went through last time. Doctors just can't treat all patients the same, as well as techs/nurses, so it just frustrates me when they act like they don't care. I get it but I don't like it, as the patient.

So, there was the screen, here was my belly with gel on it and here Ian and I were, waiting to see something, anything. I reached out and grabbed his hand, he held it tight. And all of a sudden, there was the lemon, just hanging on there, a little tiny spot on the screen. I asked her why he/she wasn't moving and she said because it was only 4mm big, not big enough to be moving around yet. She found the heartbeat for us and played it, and it was music to our ears. She also found the heartbeat on the screen and showed it to us, flickering, and it was lovely. I laid there crying and she said, "hold still," and I looked over at Ian who had tears in his eyes too. It was an amazing moment, in that dark room, with that biatch of a tech. It was wonderful.

Of course she gave us the, "it's only a 3% chance of miscarriage once you see a heartbeat" speech which I don't know if I believe because our blueberry had a heartbeat too at 8 weeks. But, we are staying positive and hoping for the best, that's really all you can do. If you dwell on the scary thoughts and sadness it will consume you - and that's not good for us, our families or the lemon. We have to be happy, we WERE happy at that moment. It was the nicest moment and as I laid there holding Ian's hand I felt so happy and so lucky to have this chance again.

In the waiting room, again, waiting for the doctor I cried. I wanted to run outside, scream "I'm pregnant!" at the top of my lungs and call everyone I knew to tell them. I was SO relieved and excited, it just seemed like too much for me, too much for me to hold in just sitting there. But, there I sat and held it in, I was so happy inside and just relished in it. I thought of all the women who may have come out with not so happy news, and I felt for them at that moment because I can relate. I was so happy that our news was the good kind this time.

We saw the doctor, asked her a million silly questions (they get sillier after you've lost a baby, trust me) and I put on a paper gown and got an exam. Then, blood work and then a meeting with the insurance person who told me not to change jobs because I had great medical insurance.

It was a good day, and we were so happy but exhausted from worry that we went home and took a nap. And I made the whole bed hot because I'm cooking a lemon. :)

5 Weeks

11/7/11:

Here we are, 5 weeks today. This weekend was crazy, my body felt WAY different than it did the first time. Rather than compare the two (because we all know you can't compare blueberries to lemons) I will just tell you how I'm feeling right now. I am practicing staying positive and not dwelling on the past.

I am really tired and crampy. It feels like menstrual cramps but it is just my uterus adjusting for a lemon (at least that's what I read online). My boobs (sorry readers, but that's what they are) are super sore, and I can barely move my arms without them hurting. I actually told Ian that I thought I had breast cancer earlier in the month, before I found out I was pregnant, that's how much they hurt. I wake up in the middle of the night to pee and it feels like I am having to pee all the time. I'm trying to drink lots of water and eat more (more protein) but it's hard because all I feel like doing is laying on the couch.

I can't wait until next Monday when we go in for the ultrasound. I am really nervous about it and my stomach gets all twisty when I think of it, but I know it will be ok. I spent the day with my mom on Saturday and it was so hard not to tell her. I just want to wait until after next week, after we see the baby. It's tough keeping it a secret, it feels as though you aren't really pregnant because you aren't shouting it from the rooftops. It's hard to connect, to feel like it's real. Both Ian and I have said that multiple times.

I told my best friend this weekend, I had to tell someone. She smokes and I had to tell her because I didn't want to sit in our usual spots (mine across from her) and have the smoke blow right at me, and so I did. She cried and hugged me - it was awesome. She said she's been waiting and hoping and was so happy, it made it all seem real and fun to me too. After losing a baby it's hard to get as excited as you used to be, but I am, I just think it is on the inside now instead of the outside. But after telling Christine, I got to show it on the outside for a bit and it was so lovely.

I will have to tell my friend Elise at school too. I know that this isn't in the correct order, and that I should be telling my mom and my other two besties first, but Elise helps me teach yoga to the kids and I need to tell her what's going on. I don't want to do all the poses (frankly, I don't really want to do it at all), so I will need her help in doing them for me to model for the kids. I think I will have to tell the kids I hurt my back or something because they are so used to me doing it right along with them. And, I'm tired! I do NOT want to stay after school until 6pm tomorrow to do yoga, I just don't. This is going to be tough.

Ian and I are so happy and feel so lucky. I am doing my best to not work out, eat more and drink lots of water to keep this lemon healthy. I know he/she is though because he/she is sucking all of my energy out of me!

4 Weeks

11/2/11:

Today, after trying for 5 months (and not really trying for the past month), I took a pregnancy test and low and behold I was pregnant again! I had to look at those two little lines on that test strip three times before it sunk in because this is something we've wanted for a very long time (as you all know). It has been a long, sad, and trying journey but here we are again - a little more experienced and a little more cautious, but excited none-the-less!

How do I feel about it? I am nervous but hopeful. I truly believe that my Nani went to Heaven, met our Blueberry and said, "What are you doing here? You should be down on Earth with them, not up here with me. Get down there!" And she sent his/her little spirit back to Earth to be with us, this time as a teeny, tiny lemon. And THIS time, I know my Nani will be watching over all three of us, keeping us safe, happy and healthy.

Ian is excited but nervous too. But, we are feeling much better than we thought we would at this moment. I think that physically and mentally I was not ready before, Ian either, but now we are. I am not stressed or anxious, I am just letting things be and know in my heart (and have faith) that we are meant for this. I feel it in my bones, I am meant to be a mother and we are meant to have a family.

I made an appointment with the OB for us to go in for a 6 week ultrasound. She said we could come in early this time, and come every two weeks if we wanted, so that's what we are going to do. I can't wait to see our little lemon!

Ian's Song of the Week #1

2012-01-11T15:51:00.000-08:00

So, I've been considering doing a Song of the Week post since music dictates my life most of the time, and today I thought I'd do the first one.

This one is Ian's pick and he played it on Monday morning while we got ready for school, since this was our first day back to work after having two weeks off. It motivated me to get out of bed at 5:30am (after tossing and turning all night, not used to the new schedule), shower, do my makeup and get dressed. It set the mood for my whole day - making money and getting it done because we just have to!

Both of us said to each other at some point the night before, "Do we have to go to work tomorrow?" And our answer was if we wanted money, we did. Isn't that a bummer? I wish I was independently wealthy because work just isn't what I want to be doing on most days, and I'm sure everyone can relate.

I like my job, I wouldn't do it if I didn't, I like the kids I just hate waking up when it's dark in the winter. But, 87 days from now we will have 2 whole months off and I will be loving it so I guess if we gotta have a job, this is the one to have!

So, here it is, the Song of the Week. I posted the lyrics below in case you want to sing along while you watch. Enjoy!

Sheena Easton's "Morning Train"

I wake up every mornin'
I stumble out of bed
Stretchin' and yawnin'
Another day ahead
It seems to last forever
And time goes slowly by
'Til babe and me's together
Then it starts to fly

'Cos the moment that he's with me
Time can take a flight
The moment that he's with me
Everything's alright
Night time is the right time
We make love
Then it's his and my time
We take off

My baby takes the morning train
He works from nine till five and then
He takes another home again
To find me waitin' for him

He takes me to a movie
Or to a restaurant, to go
Slow dancing
Anything I want
Only when he's with me
I catch a light
Only when he gives me
Makes me feel alright

My baby takes the morning train
He works from nine till five and then
He takes another home again
To find me waitin' for him

All day I think of him
Dreamin' of him constantly
I'm crazy mad for him
And he's crazy mad for me
(Crazy mad for me)
When he steps off that train
I'm makin' a fool, a fight
Work all day to earn his pay
So we can play all night

My baby takes the morning train
He works from nine till five and then
He takes another home again
To find me waitin' for him

He's always on that morning train
(He works from nine till five and then)
He works so hard
(He takes another home again)
To find me waiting for him
(My baby takes the morning train)

Goodbye 2011!

2012-01-05T15:47:00.000-08:00

Wow - and just like that the holidays were over. Where did this year go??? I will attempt to catch you up on all of our holiday events . . .

We got out of school the Thursday before Christmas (December 22nd) and I was SO ready to get out of there! It was a 10 week quarter and I was done and the kids were definitely DONE. Ian got a picture of me grading on one of our half days, I wasn't in the best mood with most of my kids getting Incompletes!

We were so happy to get out of there on the last day that we snapped a pic in the parking lot:

On Friday I headed to Zoo Lights at The Phoenix Zoo with my family. It was cold and crowded, full of people just milling about, hypnotized by the lights. It was nice to finally see everyone but Zoo Lights just isn't my thing, they let too many people in now (they didn't used to).

(Fuzzy pic because it was dark - my mom and I.)

Saturday morning was our annual Spini family nail party at Valley Nails. They accommodate like 15-20 of us every year for manicures and pedicures and then we head to lunch after at Z' Tejas (who have a gf menu now, by the way). It was so much fun and my best girlfriends, and sister-in-law Kelly, came with us, just like last year!

(A blurry pic of Christie but a cute one of Kelly and my Aunt Donna.)

(Christine and I)

(Playing charades while we got our toes done!)

(Aunt Sonja petting Christine.)

(My niece Amanda, Kelly, my cousin Stormy, my cousin Shilo and a stranger I don't know at the end.)

(There's Sonja, always taking cute pics that we NEVER SEE!)

(Amanda showing off her nails and my mom holding my cousin Cyrus.)

(Me and Jenny)

(Me and my mom - check out my outfit on the 24th of December in AZ! It was beautiful out, and still is!)

(After nails my girlfriends and I opened presents outside before lunch. I got a ton of glitter eye shadow and a gift card from Christine!)

That night we hung out with my dad. Usually we go to Ian's families' house but Kelly had to work so we put off celebrating with them until the 26th. We invited my dad over, made seafood stew and gf orange rolls. I usually get the Pillsbury ones and eat them on Christmas morning every year, but since this year I'm gluten free, I had to make my own. I combined Bob's Red Mill Gluten Free Bread Mix with this recipe I found online and they turned out DELICIOUS. Here they are, before frosting (not very pretty but tasted just like the real thing!). They were super hard to work with and the dough definitely does not roll out like regular dough, but we did it, thanks to my dad's help!

My mom usually comes over on Christmas morning but she was making me a special batch of sauce for ravioli later that day so we just decided to go to her house a bit before to open presents. And that meant that all of the orange rolls were for us - yum!

(Ian opening his presents - he got a Sony Blu-Ray player - our first one!)

(My step-dad Joe got custom insoles from us, just what he wanted.)

(My mom and Joe got me a gift card to Vidal Sassoon to get my hair cut and colored - a BIG deal! Yay!)

(And keeping with our mustache theme from last year, I HAD to get my step-brother, Joe, some more fake mustaches!)

(Amanda even put on the blonde one, too cute!)

(Butler!)

(My mom, so cute!)

(Blurry pic again, stupid iPhone 4. My mom makes ravioli every year for Christmas dinner, since we are Italian. My Nani and grandpa used to do it but since my grandpa passed away my mom has taken over. This year she went out of her way to find me gf ravioli, Joe and her made me a special batch of sauce and meatballs and I brought the gf bread that my dad made the night before. I love them for caring so much to do this, it makes me so happy!)

(Yum! Now I hadn't had ravioli since Christmas last year so I only had regular ravioli to compare my gf kind too. Let me tell you, it tasted JUST LIKE the real thing! She got me this kind and it was SO GOOD!)

(Why do Ian and my friends not get that you look at the camera on our phones, not the screen when you're taking a pic!)

(Aunt Donna)

(We had no idea that Christmas was a "no burn" day in AZ until the next day!)

(My dad and Aunt Susie stopped by after their brunch to say hi to everyone. It made my day, I love it when all of my family is all together - words cannot describe.)

The day after Christmas we headed to Ian's families' house to celebrate!

(Reggie wiping the table. Little did we know that he stores food in his mouth and after Ian lifted him up, he drooled chocolate all over him!)

(Chocolate face! It was too funny!)

(Watching Chip and Dale videos.)

(Ian and his sister)

(Blurry Reggie - but he loved his new Camelbak water bottle!)

(The BEST present we got Reggie - too bad he hated wearing it because he looked SO CUTE! This girl hand makes them on etsy!)

(Reggie loved his Clifford dog.)

(This is the night Reggie fell in love with Gremlins. He now watches it every day and has a Gizmo doll he carries around with him.)

The next day, after the 26th, we laid around all day. It was so nice to have a whole day with nothing to do, although we did love spending time with our families. The rest of our week was full of relaxing, excercising and working on the house. Ian successfully cleaned out the laundry room, built new shelves for it and organized the shed while I kept things neat inside. We also had a chance to go see the Los Noches de Luminarias at the Desert Botanical Gardens with Christie and my dad, it was fun but more fun if you were drinking wine and over 50. Lots of live music and lots of live candles and people - not that impressive but still something we'd never done before.

On New Years night Ian and I opted to stay home. We got invite to his brother-in-laws and out with friends, but we always enjoy New Years best when it's just the two of us at home. So, we made a cheese platter, homemade gf bread and some other yummy appetizers and settled in to watch a movie, Kung Fu Panda 2 (ha!). It was such a relaxing night and for the first time ever, I had a hard time staying up to watch the ball drop! (And as someone pointed out in this pic on another site, those pills are prenatal vitamins, in case you were wondering.)

(I made gf apple crisp for dessert - so good! As I've said before, I just use regular recipes and sub out the flour for Bob's Red Mill gf flour instead.)

(Ian is making a fake smile and I just got done crying my eyes out in this pic. I don't know what is was, well I do actually, but midnight struck and I started balling. Last year was the worst year of my life, seriously, and I was just so happy it was over. It was like that last bit of emotion had to come out and then I was done. I cried for almost a half hour until I made myself go to bed. They were happy tears and sad tears all combined, it was the strangest thing. I hope to be toasting to next year instead of crying, it was the weirdest but best thing. I'm so happy 2011 is gone.)

We continued to work on the house for the rest of the break. I found time to go use my gift certificate at the hair place (woo!) and Ian spent some of his time working and carving a kachina while we watched TV. I even bough Christine a friendship bracelet maker for Christmas, which I kept to try out because she was busy working, and made a few friendship bracelets with it.

(Snacking under the crazy dryer!)

(Christine wanted to see my hair after the salon so I stopped by and went with them to pick up Espen at school. He was surprised to see me, and my new hair looked cute!)

This has been one of the BEST breaks we've had in a long time. We found time to have fun (even went to the Mesa Comic Con and Pirates exhibit at the AZ Science Center) and get some work done (car port is almost ready to be painted!). It was relaxing and exciting and I'm bummed that school starts again on Monday. I felt like this was just what we needed to recharge and keep us going until Spring Break. Some breaks don't do that, sometimes you work too hard and it just flies by and you find yourself back at work again. This one was a good one, we both agree.

I hope you enjoyed your time away from work for the holidays and got to spend some time with your family too. And, that you got to relax and have fun like us! We were lucky to have two weeks off, I know that others aren't so lucky. I just so wish I didn't have to go back to work (and I'm sure you've thought the same thing!)! Happy New Year my friends, I hope this year is full of peace and love for us and for all of you too!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas . . .

2011-12-21T15:00:00.000-08:00

We got our tree a couple of weeks ago but just found time to decorate it early last week. It was a big one this year (Ian always forgets we only have 8 foot ceilings!) and the guy at Lowe's cut it funny so we had to make some adjustments when we got home (Ian was NOT happy). I think I heard the words, "God damn Christmas" come out more than once while we were trying to get it to fit in the tree stand straight. Ian definitely has a love/hate relationship with decorating for Christmas!

(Don't ever get your tree wrapped up with netting, it is a PAIN to get off!)

(We struggled with it forever!)

(After a week, we finally got around to hanging some lights.)

(Done!)

(We got a crooked tree this year, but it's still beautiful!)

A couple of Saturdays ago, Snake Burner, Ian's band, played their annual Christmas show. For a few years in row now they have always played around Christmas, and we were SO looking forward to this super fun show! (Check out my post from last year when they played in downtown Phoenix at City Scape's New Years Eve!)

(best friends)

(All of my ladies came out to support Ian and stayed until almost 2am! They are awesome!)

(Christie and Marisol)

(And, Christie was doing tattoos again - even on my mom's chest!)

And, a clip from the show, they practiced Chrismas songs for weeks!

Last weekend, Jenny and Matt had a Christmas party at their house. I was SO excited to have something fun to do where all of our friends would be at, and it turned out just like I thought! Lots of food and friends to celebrate with! We had a blast!

(Christine and Jeremy)

(Me and the hubs.)

(Our lovely acupuncturist and friend Mayo, who snuck cookies in her purse for her hubby! If you are in the market for an acupuncturist in Phoenix with fair prices, see my previous post about her practice.)

(Someone brought the twins fake snow, in a can, and it was the weirdest thing we had ever seen!)

(Seriously smelled awful and felt weird!)

(Tozzi came to the party too, we love him!)

(Our lovely hosts.)

(The best picture I think I've ever taken. Love it!)

So, here we are, our last day of school. I can't wait to have 2 weeks off, it has been a crazy past few months and I'm tired! We have so many plans for the rest of the week until Christmas, I am excited to spend our days/nights with family and friends. We even have some special people coming in from out of town, I can't wait to see Kimberly and Andrea (pics to come, I'm sure)!

I hope that you enjoy your time off this holiday season and don't let the craziness of Christmas get you down. It's all about spending time with those you love, don't forget that. Happy holidays to you and yours my friends!

Babes of Winter: Cookie Making Party II

2011-12-15T16:52:00.000-08:00

This past Saturday my best girlfriends and I got together for our 2nd Annual Christmas Cookie Making Party! We invited some moms to join in the fun and even some guys later on, and it ended up being a really great morning! (Check out this post from last year's cookie making party.)

I wanted to make gluten free gingerbread men (my friend Jenny's recipe modified), gluten free cookie press cookies and gluten free Italian cookies. It turned out to be too many cookies for the time we had together so I ended up just getting the gingerbread men and cookie press ones done (and later this week my mom brought over the Italian ones for us!). Jenny's gingerbread men were always my favorite at Christmas and last year she modified her recipe to make it vegan and this year I modified it to make it gluten free. They turned out DELICIOUS and I ate almost all the ones I made - oops!

We had a wonderful morning baking and just being together. As you get older your friends, and you, get busier and it is harder and harder to get everyone together. I am so lucky to have these ladies in my life (I know I have said this MANY times before), and I love it when we all can be together. I also am a super lucky girl to have such a great relationship with my mom, she is my best friend and I LOVE spending time with her too!

Thank you, Jenny, for having us over (again) and thanks mom and Jenny for some of these great pics!

(June and Phoenix)

(Me, yep I'm in strapless dress in December! Gotta love Arizona!)

(Me and Jenny)

(Me and Christie)

(I have no idea why I'm laughing.)

(Christine and her mom, Gail.)

(Me and my mom.)

(Every year we forget how to use the cookie press and then figure it out.)

(Christine making her baklava.)

(You seriously have no idea how good their "crack corn" is. There is a reason they call it that!)

(See! I couldn't resist!)

(Espen, Christine's son, sampling the "crack corn."

(Christine and her lover, Jeremy.)

(Espen helping me decorate . . . )

( . . .and getting tattooed by Christie!)

(Phoenix even helped a bit!)

(He was the BEST roller!)

(I would marry this lady, that's JUST how much I love her!)

My Blogiversary

2011-12-08T15:28:00.000-08:00

Exactly one year ago today I wrote this post, thinking that I would start a blog about my journey into motherhood. Little did I know that a year later I would be here, sans baby, but still chugging along. Isn't life the funniest?

As I start this post I get a teary eyed. Not because I am sad, but because this year has been one of the toughest years for both of us and we are STILL HERE. We survived, and it amazes me every single day. LIFE amazes me, and all the crap it throws at you, just to leave you still standing in the end - different, changed, and much wiser. I am so full of words and emotion on this, my blogiversary, but somehow cannot find the ones to express my feelings to you.

Every day I think of our baby that once was. Every day I think of all the women who set out on a certain path just to have it taken from them or have it never happen for them. Every day I am shocked that people think they have a plan for their lives, because the biggest lesson I've learned over this past year is - there is no plan. And maybe, there is no one in control of any of this. (Yes, I went there.) I have lost faith a bit, have come to trust in myself and the strength I have, and not so much in someone else that doesn't seem to be around when we need him (her?) most. I trust my family, my friends and all of those gone before us, I pray to them each day for courage. But this person watching over us? It's hard to believe in.

I don't even know if I believe in fate much anymore. Like we follow this path and this is what was supposed to happen in our lives. That doesn't really explain why bad things happen to good people or why the choices we make sometimes lead to heartache. I do, however, believe in chance, in karma and in doing the best you can at all times and HOPING that it brings some good to your life and the lives of the ones you love. I don't believe everything happens for a reason (although I do think sometimes good comes from bad), and I don't think someone gives us only what we can handle (because we all know we CAN'T handle some things that at are thrown at us sometimes).

I haven't always been the best friend, girlfriend, wife or daughter. I have made mistakes I am not proud of, as I'm sure we all have. I don't necessarily think I've been punished for them, but I do think I was knocked down a bit from my high horse I was riding on for awhile there. I still feel lucky, happy, content - but it is a different kind of feeling. Much different than before. A wiser version, I guess, a more grown up one.

This was supposed to be a happy post, where is it going? I don't mean to be negative or cynical, my point is that I am a completely different person than I was a year ago today. This was the hardest year of my life but it has taught me so much about myself and others. I am happier now than I have ever been before - how crazy is that? Coming out of such darkness? (I never thought I would be typing those words but there they are.) And is is a different kind of happy, an indescribable one. I have learned so much, done so much, fought so hard, cried, laughed and not wanted to get out of bed in the morning - but I did it, I DID IT. And, I'm here - stronger than ever. It's really so weird.

Who was that girl a year ago? She thought she had it all worked out, all planned out, all of the puzzle pieces in order and all of her ducks in a row. She graduated high school at 17, finished college at 21, got her Master's at 24, bought a house, planned a life, had a good job for 10 years, etc. She thought she knew how her life would go and then it surprised her and didn't go as planned. Nothing seemed to go as planned, all of a sudden, and her world fell apart. But, SHE didn't fall apart - she rose up, stepped up and became better. She learned and adapted and let go - things she never thought she'd have to do or be able to do. Who is this girl now? This girl is me.

I look at this blog, I see the picture at the top, I remember taking it, I remember asking Christine to upload it for me and getting my blog ready to announce my pregnancy - but it seems like lifetimes ago. Only just recently have I gotten up the courage to go back and read some of my first posts, and I still can't even bring myself to read all of them.

To my readers: You have stuck by me all this time, thinking this was going to be a journey about pregnancy and motherhood, but instead have had to read about despair, sorrow and my sometimes mundane every day life. (Who knew this would be a blog about that?) Thank you for hanging with me, for allowing me to write this and for reading all of it. This was the first blog I had ever written, the first public anything I put out into the world wide web (I am a teacher after all) and it was scary. It was scary the whole time I was writing it, thinking would anyone read this? Would anyone care about what I had to say? Was I a good enough writer for people to want to read my posts?

I have been on a journey with you that I never expected, and have shared more with you than I ever anticipated sharing. You have been with me through joyful days and dark ones, days I felt like giving up and days I learned to let go. You have been there while I rebuilt myself, while I struggled to get my identity back. I have opened up so much with you, I hope that you have enjoyed it. My biggest hope, however, is that my words have helped some of you; that they have helped you cope, deal or learn something about yourself, just like I have by writing them down. You have healed me, brought me back to life and made me the person that I am today; and for that, as I sit here with tears in my eyes, I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

Happy blogiversary friends. Good things are in my future and I hope that you continue to ride along on this strange trip with me, and that we experience all that life has to offer - together. Leaning on each other through good times and bad, sharing our experiences. Learning, living, loving and always getting back up, when we are knocked down. Thank you for reading, it means more to me than you will ever know.

Thankful

2011-11-25T14:54:00.000-08:00

A few months ago I wrote this post and today I decided to reread it to see if my view on gratitude had changed or stayed the same. The words I wrote then I thought I meant, but as I read it and remembered how I felt, I don't think I really meant what I said back then. I wanted to mean it, I was desperate to mean it, but I just didn't.

Now, I do. I mean every word of it. I wrote that, "[Gratitude is] learning to live your life as if everything were a miracle, and being aware on a continuous basis of how much you've been given . . . shift your focus from what your life lacks to the abundance that is already present." I truly believe this and DO feel lucky for my life. Everything we've been through has taught us something and we have grown from our experiences. And, we've survived, that's the most amazing part. Life WILL throw you curve balls but it's how you get past them that counts, you HAVE to survive and keep going, that's what makes us human. We don't give up.

After starting the morning off in bed watching the parade, we shared a lovely, relaxing day with my Dad who I hadn't seen October and who hadn't been home since June. I miss him so much when he's away and worry about him being all alone in Oregon, I like when he's here, when he's close. So, spending Thanksgiving with him this year, and every year, makes me so happy.

(Gorgeous AZ day!)

I ordered food from this place a week ago and we picked it up one day after school. The place is really scary and hard to find, and after trying the food yesterday - we weren't impressed by that either. I wanted to find some gluten free sides I could eat without having to make anything, but I think we could have done better. The pumpkin pies were too small for $9.99 (for 2), the stuffing was bland, the pumpkin chocolate chip cookies were gross and the rolls were just ok. It was fun not cooking, but the food was just so so. Usually we go out to dinner but this year, being gluten free, I was afraid I couldn't eat anywhere so it was a nice change (even though we had to clean the house!).

(Creepy!)

We don't have a dining room table, just a breakfast bar, so we borrowed a table from Ian's parents and set up a nice table to eat our meal at. Ian wasn't feeling good (too many beers the night before) but my dad and I ate all the food and it was delicious. He made green beans an mashed potatoes and along with his food and the turkey, the gf bakery stuff wasn't so bad. Thanksgiving is always hours of prep work (cooking, cleaning, heating, frying, etc) and then just minutes of eating - it goes by way too fast. I was happy we didn't have to cook very much this year but I missed going out, it's just SO much easier!

The best part about our dinner was the turkey that Ian fried. We borrow a fryer from school every year (not sure why the Special Education Department even has an electric turkey fryer) and it works super fast to make our turkey delicious! This year we injected it the night before with cajun butter seasoning and coated it with gf flour before putting it in, and then Ian and my dad pulled it out at just the right time, it was so moist and yummy! During the frying we had to ladle out some of the oil because it was too full and we put it in a pan next to the fryer. We found out later that Linus drank some of it and he ended up being sick all night! Silly, stupid dog.

(Ian dropped a turkey liver on his phone! Gross!)

(YUM!)

(Poor little guy was sick all night.)

(A totally gluten free Thanksgiving!)

I missed seeing my mom because it was the first Thanksgiving without my Nani, but she was in Kentucky with my step-brother, sister-in-law and nieces having a blast. Ian's parents went to Tucson to see his sister and his brother went with his wife and son to her family's house - so everyone kind of did their own thing. It was low maintenance and oh so much better than the days of driving all over town, seeing all of our family in one day. Things definitely get easier the older you get when you figure out the holidays.

We ended up on the couch at 8pm watching Elf and relaxed the rest of the night. It was a busy but fun day with my two favorite men. I am truly grateful for them in my life, and all of our family and friends. Today, I DO feel like every day is a miracle and am happy for all that we have. I am happy to have Ian, a wonderful family and amazing friends, and feel so much gratitude for all of them and the life that we have together.

(My favorite way to eat turkey, the next day!)

(Julie even came out later that night to say hello!)

Earlier this week my yoga students got together and laid on each other's bellies and told me what they were thankful for this week too. It was awesome to hear what they cherished most, and it made me feel so special that I was there to hear them share it. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving too and that you found a moment to be thankful amidst all the craziness.

So often during the holiday season we are so busy rushing around that we lose sight of what this season is really about - gathering together with family and friends. Take a moment and remember to breathe during all of the madness and take a moment to practice gratitude . . . and really mean it. :)

Remembering Lucy

2011-11-14T16:44:00.000-08:00

Two years ago last night our dog, Lucy, died. We had just come home from my mom's house and I took a shower and was on the computer when my phone rang, multiple times, with an unknown number. I didn't answer the phone calls and then thought, about 10 minutes later, that I should check the messages since it was 10 at night.

The woman on the phone told me that our dog had been hit by a car. I was confused because I thought I saw all of the dogs in the house (we had four at the time). I frantically ran around and found the two rat terriers, Zipper and Zoe, and then went looking for the schnoodles. I remember secretly hoping it was Linus who got hit because he was so stand-offish, so uninterested in humans. But, I found him just sitting on our bed and knew who it was - Lucy. Our chubby, loving, stupid, silly, dopey little girl - Linus' sister.

I told Ian and he rushed out to where they lady said she was - streets and streets away - how did she get so far so fast? I called the emergency animal hospital and told them we'd be bringing a dog in that had been hit and gave them all of her details.

But then, Ian walked through the door with Lucy in a plastic bag. She was already gone and I did not understand it. I cried so hard I could barely breathe, I had never cried so hard in my life. I was so upset, I didn't understand, I was confused and had no idea how we didn't see her slip out the door when we came home. And how did she run so far? Was she chasing something? Why would she leave our front yard? Why didn't I answer my phone sooner so she could have seen us there before she died? Did the person who hit her stop? Who was this woman who looked at a dog's collar, who had been hit, just to call the owners? How amazing was that?

So many thoughts and emotions, it was one of the saddest nights of our lives. We were so surprised and it was so sudden, it was incomprehensible. And, she was so young, only almost 5 years old. And her brother, having to live without her? And him looking just like her, torturing us so that we didn't even want to look at him?! It was horrible.

I know that many people have lost pets and some have lost them suddenly, like us, and some have gotten to say goodbye. I wish I would have been there to hold her, I wish it was my face that she last saw, I wish she wouldn't have been scared and alone and I wish I would have just been more careful and known that she was gone. I still blame myself for lots of things today, even though I know it was an accident.

Lucy has been gone two years but it seems like longer. She brought our house together and made all the dogs actually get along. Things changed after she died, the rat terriers started not liking each other and Linus got really bored. No one plays anymore and the energy is just different - there seemed to be no fun amongst the dogs without her. She was a childlike presence that would get scared when the TV was too loud (and her chubby butt would run into the other room) or would get too hot while laying on you and have to move. She would put her head under your hand to make you pet her and put her face right in your face to make sure you saw her before any of the other dogs. Things are different now.

We miss you Lucy. I hope that there is a place where dogs and humans go together, after they die, just so I can see my Lucy again. I still remember the night before she died, laying with her, her face in mine, petting her and telling her how much I loved her. I still see shadows at home out of the corner of my eye and think it's her, or see Linus laying a certain way so that he looks like her - she was hard to forget.

She was hit by a car outside of a Denny's a couple of major streets from our house. So, the first month we went to the spot, lit a candle, said some words and sat and remembered here. A year after we did the same and ate at Denny's in commemoration. This year, since the day fell on a Sunday and she died sometime around 9-9:30, we just went there, lit our candle, hung some solar lights in a tree by the spot (hoping they will go undetected for a bit), reflected on her passing and then left. I cried, still, 2 years later.

These past two years have been hard for us. I could have used her around to cheer me up so many times. I hope she's watching over us, cheering us up from wherever she is. I hope she knows how much we loved her, and still do. I hope she forgives me for not being there or not realizing she was gone. I hope she knows just how much we miss her.

Losing a dog is different than losing a human. Even in death we can remember the good and bad about someone but dogs aren't like this. Dogs love you unconditionally and are there just to make you happy, it's harder when a dog dies, in some ways. They are around ALL the time, they live with you and follow you everywhere, so you feel their loss so much more I think. I know many of you can relate - if you are pet people.

Here's to you Lucy, 2 years later. We love you.

(Ian's camera took grainy pics for some reason.)

(Never mind my Marth Washington hair!)

(Lucy loved skittles!)

(Last year.)

(I can't eat at Denny's anymore so we skipped it this year.)

(We leave a candle lit and then I assume someone picks it up because it disappears.)

(When she was a pup, wearing a moostache.)

(Brother and sister.)

(They would jump to catch water thrown from the pool, it was amazing! See video below!)

(And, the last picture I took of her little face, in October of 2009.)

Superman Banana!

2011-11-09T16:31:00.000-08:00

Yoga started last week with the kids and we had about 25 show up. Not the 90 from last year but 25 will do. This week, we had about the same, maybe even 30 and I'm definitely happy with that.

I thought I'd post this cute video of everyone doing Superman Banana - it was too funny not to share!

A Piece of My Heart

2011-11-07T17:58:00.000-08:00

On Friday, October 21st, my favorite, and only, grandmother died - my Nani.

I am sorry I haven't written until now, usually I try to post once a week and feel bad that I haven't posted in a bit. This post was just a tough one to write, and I sat down to write it many times but couldn't find the words. I still have a hard time with what I want to say, I type and then I delete and then I type again and then delete. I think I will just post what I spoke at her funeral so that you know what she meant to me, to all of us, and a bit about her life.

This will have to do because again, I have no words. But, I do have some pictures (eulogy to follow):

(This is my favorite picture I've seen of us. I am sure there are more but I've got to go through my mom's old picture albums to find them.)

(At my bridal shower in March 2009. Nani and her two older sisters, Annette and Virginia.)

(My mom, Nani and me.)

(Odds are that if you were laughing in pictures with Nani it's because she said something dirty right before the picture was taken. This was on Mother's Day in 2010 and she made some comment about grabbing Ian on the inside of his leg. She was always cracking us up, always making jokes and usually they were filthy ones!)

(The night, last year in December, that I told Nani I was pregnant with the blueberry. This is the reason I am so angry now, that I lost blueberry, because my Nani could have had two months with her before she died. Why do things like this happen? It just doesn't make any sense.)

(Taken in September of a sign I made Nani for outside of her room at the home she was in.)

(The last picture I took with her, in September, playing bingo.)

(My step-brothers, Kevin and Joe and one of my nieces, Amanda, came into town for the funeral. It was the first time all of us had been together in years. It was so nice that they came.)

(Nani had all of these carts at her home and at my Uncle John's. So, we decided to have some races in her honor!)

Angeline Spini’s Eulogy

Funeral: October 25^th, 2011

Hello, I am Angeline’s granddaughter, Allison. 4 years ago my Nani, grandma in Italian, entrusted me with writing my grandfather’s life story, and today I am proud to share hers, because I know she would have wanted me to. To my Nani, everyone was family. Some of the people in this room are my Nani’s actual family, but I know that everyone in this room were made to feel like family by my Nani. That’s just how our family is, and how we’ve always been since I can remember. I am sure she is so thrilled to have all of you here today, celebrating her life together.

My Nani, and I were one in the same, two peas in a pod, and her heart was my heart. She was my most favorite person and taught me everything I know today. She taught me always to have a secret stash of money hidden, just in case, that my husband doesn’t know about. She taught me that the makings of macaroni and cheese should always be at your disposal and that everything tastes better with lots of butter in it. She taught me that a deck of cards could bring everyone together, and that it was ok to help your granddaughter win when no one was looking. I learned, when I was little, that money and gum sometimes grew on trees, that movie titles were always interchangeable (Love on the Rocks instead of Romancing the Stone) and that naps were a required part of your day. I also learned that family was most important and that love lasted forever. The bond between a mother and daughter was taught to me by example – through my mom and Nani. I am thankful to share that same connection with my own mother today, she is my best friend, just like her mom was hers.

Nani was so much fun. My favorite moments with my family were when we were all together at my Nani’s house – playing cards, cooking and watching movies. We would gather around the kitchen table and she would tell us stories, stories of her and grandpa, stories of her childhood, stories of when I was little, or stories of my aunts and uncle growing up. Sometimes her stories were true and sometimes they were a bigger version of the truth, but that’s what made my Nani so special. You never knew what you were going to get. Recently, we found one of my Nani’s own journals and so some of this story comes right from her.

I remember when my Nani used to visit us in Oregon when I was little. One day she forgot to pick me up from school so someone had to bring me home. When I got there, the house was locked and I didn’t have a key. I saw her, on the couch taking a nap, and so I knocked and knocked on those glass doors so she would wake up and let me in. She finally did and we laughed about it, she sure did love to take naps.

She tells a story in her journal about when she was little and would go to her Aunt Katie’s house with her sisters - Virginia and Annette. Her Aunt knew they were coming and would always leave dishes in the sink because she knew their mom would volunteer them for the job. Uncle Dominick, Aunt Katie’s husband, loved his walnuts and to get back at their Aunt and Uncle the girls ate all of them and just put the shells back in the bag. Nani was always quick on her feet and knew just how to get you when you least expected it.

Another story she told in her journal was when her sister Virginia tied her to a chair so she could wash and set her hair when she was 10 years old. She still remembers the red and white dress she wore that day. They were going to take pictures and her mom wanted to make sure she looked good. But Nani wrote down, “I already did,” and even underlined it. She tells us that she was always the one who just put on a hat or a scarf and went, she never really fussed with herself much. That’s just how she was, naturally beautiful.

Nani loved her family so much. She would always hold my hand and tell me how lucky she was to have all of us. In her words, “Karen, John, Donna, Virginia and Kathy are my life lines. What a family I have, I have the most wonderful children on the planet. They love each other so much, nothing stands in their way when it comes to each other. I don’t think there is another family with so much heart and love as mine. To them, their mother and dad are the world and they too love so deeply.” She spoke of this deep love when talking about who her kids chose to spend their life with: “Not only do I have five children, I have love and respect from their loved ones. Joe has been here every day taking care of us. Lisa has been wonderful, she makes sure we don’t need or want for anything. And, Sonja has been with us every day cooking, cleaning and shopping. Boy I’m the luckiest woman in the world. I’m so rich with my family.”

Nani definitely proved that love is stronger than death, my Nani loved her husband more than anything else. She writes, “It’s 4am in the morning, I can’t wait to start the day with them all. I sit at the table and turn on the TV, a little later in walks the one who means the most to me. His hair is gray and stands up a bit. He is a little shaggy and walks slowly towards me to sit. Without his love and my love for him, I’d have no reason to glow. The years together just passed so fast, but our love that has held together was made in Heaven to last. So, earthly and heavenly we will be together, young and old.” We are happy she is with grandpa now, watching over all of us with the one she loves.

Finally, in her own words, Nani tells us about death. She says, “This is a phase of life everyone never wants to happen to their loved ones, but somehow God gives us the strength to survive and go on with our lives. They say God is a fearing God, so maybe when someone passes, God just wants a little of our family’s love and he is telling us to share.” We could all take this advice from her today. She wouldn’t want us to be sad; she would, instead, want us to open a deck of cards and just deal her in.

Your Wish is My Command

2011-10-18T19:18:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day. Everything I've thought of just happens.

All morning I was trying to get a hold of my friend, another teacher, and didn't know if she was at school or not. I even called her house and her cell, and needed to talk to her about a training tomorrow. Then, she answered her office phone. But that wasn't the strange part - after that, I kept seeing her over and over again. On my way to get copies, leaving the bathroom, it was like I thought of her and then she appeared.

When I got to school today, after being gone yesterday because I can't shake this stupid cold, the sub told all of my classes (170 students) that I wouldn't be back all week. All day I had to tell them, over and over again, that I only called in for one day and she didn't know what she was talking about. Then, I get an email saying that I have a mandatory training for our school website, I help build it, and I have to be gone tomorrow. It was like the universe knew.

For my training I had to gather a bunch of information about our school and thought, there's no way everyone is going to be able to get me this stuff today, it will take forever and I will be stuck for 8 hours tomorrow with nothing to do. But, everyone in the office that I ran into, including the Principal, had it all ready for me and sent it off in an email at moment's notice. How weird is that?

It doesn't seem like much but things just seem to be falling into place.

I even made Ian wish for what he wanted most, his chest to feel 100% better, today just in case it is just one of those days. He woke up this morning and said, "I feel better today then I have since January." It made my morning! I guess this day just started off good. I held hands with him and made a wish myself too.

It's like I ask and the universe listens today. Ever have days like this? So enjoyable!

So, I'm asking for bigger things, hoping today is my lucky day and if I ask for it, it will come to me. I'm writing it down, cementing it in, putting it out there. So here goes . . . guess what my wish is universe . . . I'm leaving it all up to you!

Dreams

2011-10-17T15:03:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was little I have had really crazy dreams. Everyone has always told me to write them down but I never have, now I wish I would have.

I have also never been one to see ghosts (unlike my husband) but I do think I have a sense of spirits. I normally dream about horrible things that happen in places, or get creepy feelings when I walk into somewhere instead of actually seeing anything. I think sometimes my dreams tell me if something happened somewhere or if something is going to happen. Maybe I can see things others don't but I see them in my dreams instead. I don't know, and I know it sounds nuts but that's what I've believed since I was little. I also know that only children usually have bad dreams and maybe it's because we process things on our own instead of with someone else. I remember having nightmares when I was little and being terrified of falling asleep and have talked to other only children who've said the same thing. Who knows.

Anyway, I had a really weird dream last night I thought I'd write down because in my bestie's blog she did the same and I enjoyed reading it. I know that some people hate reading/hearing about other people's dreams so if this is you, stop reading now. (And, there isn't a lot of punctuation in these posts because that's just how dreams are, get over it.) :)

I dreamt last night of our house but it wasn't our house (and as I write this, just like when I told Ian this morning, I have the chills because it's so scary). (I seriously had to stop while writing this because I'm home alone and was too scared!) Ok so a house that was our house but really wasn't. I was thinking of our last appraisal, which happened in real life, where the guy said our house wasn't finished and wondering why he said that. So I went in the other room and it was like a living room that we don't use, and had no furniture in it, and some weird blue tile on the floor. And I saw the wall, made out of ply wood and realized that's what he meant by unfinished. The wallpaper was actually peeling off another wall and I ripped it off and it was easy, just one long sheet. Then, on another wall, there was so faux finish made of wood and that just peeled right off too, but a thick layer, and behind it someone tried to cover up a bathroom. It had insulation and plywood over like a full bathroom, with a tub and shower, and a door that had also been covered.

It was weird because I had never noticed it before. No wonder our appraisal said "unfinished." There was also a hidden corner that you turned and went down a flight of stairs to a basement that wasn't a basement at all, but a preschool. A very old and scary preschool with tiny desks and dusty books. Not just a preschool under our house but two, huge rooms that were really like warehouses with lots of old toys and kid things everywhere. But the first thing we saw when turning the corner was a small boy in a wheelchair with long hair, but he really wasn't a boy, he was a doll I think, but looked real. He rolled away as we walked down and Ian pulled a sign off the fridge that said something like, "Hi I'm Chris, come introduce yourself," written on cardboard in little kid handwriting. He was scary and as he rolled away we never saw his face but I had a feeling I had seen him before, in dreams (dreams within my dream). Like I had been sleeping, many nights, and he had been looking in our room at us through the crack in our door, like I had seen him before. But there were stairs, how could he get up them? And wasn't he a doll? Soooooooo creepy.

Both rooms had two warehouse rolling doors that opened and outside it was raining and there were other warehouses with people working. We also had our own forklift, apparently, that came with the warehouse that someone else was using and returned to us (driving it while wearing my sweater on just one arm) and told us about our old preschool beneath our house. Acting like he had known all along, and us never realizing.

I immediately started thinking how great this was, a place for band practice, for all of our stuff - somewhere to throw parties! We could clean it out, dust the rooms, get rid of all the creepy stuff, through some white paint everywhere and make it modern and cute - and our house was probably worth WAY more than we thought with this underneath! But Ian wasn't so into it. He was creeped out by the kid/doll and didn't want anything to do with it.

Then, I woke up. So weird.

The night before I had a dream that I was late to a flight for a family trip to Hawaii and I had to walk on the freeway for some reason and a guy wouldn't let us through to get there in time. I also got to the desk and didn't have my ID and as I was looking I woke up. I was in the worst mood and super stressed when I woke up, I couldn't get it together for like 30 minutes and couldn't even tell Ian about it without feeling rushed. Totally indicative of our recent trip to Seattle/Portland, more on this later.

And, when I was younger, I had two dreams I can remember. I lived in an apartment just out of high school with a lot of people and always thought that place was haunted. Electronic things would go off by themselves and other weird things would always happen so we were all convinced. I had a dream one night that someone was shot multiple times in one of the rooms and as one of my roommates dragged her body past my room, I closed my eyes not to see her head all mangled as it went by. I think that really happened there, for sure.

When I first moved to Arizona we lived in an apartment that was 4 apartments away from the one we lived in for 8 years all through high school. We only lived there a year but I had a dream there that STILL freaks me out. I dreamt of a young girl who had 3 fingers on one hand and 30 fingers on the other and scratches all over her face. She was IN that apartment and something happened to her, I KNOW it. She was just trying to tell me through my dreams.

Dreams are so strange. My grandma actually wrote a dream book, it was published and I have a copy, because maybe she had crazy dreams too. Maybe it runs in the family. I used to look mine up online but stopped for some reason, maybe because how the heck do these people know what our subconscious is doing?!

Anyway, hope you enjoyed these, they were WAY creepier in person (well, in dreams), and they always seem so real at the time. I invite you to share a creepy one of yours below, I'd be interested to see if anyone else dreams such crazy things!

My Favorite Men + a Grandma

2011-10-15T15:55:00.000-07:00

This past week was Fall Break for us so we headed to Oregon to see some of the favorite men in my life - my Dad and my best friend Matt. It was a short trip and we combined two trips in one, visiting these guys and seeing Ian's grandma, Ermel, who we don't get to see very often. Short trips often turn into an adventure and that's definitely what this trip was!

We were supposed to get into Seattle at 1:30pm, and I even booked a rental car for that time, but for some reason while I was at home, I put it in my head that our flight left Phoenix at 1:30 instead. So, we missed our flight. Yep, that's the truth, it wasn't delayed - it was me who delayed it! We called the airport and they wanted us to pay an additional $400 to fly to Seattle and we just couldn't do it, and started to throw in the towel on our short trip. But, my mom came over to take us to the airport (not knowing what happened) and called the airline to find out that if we could make it to the airport within 2 hours of our missed flight, we could go for free on standby. Thanks for telling me that in the first place Southwest! We ended up "home alone-ing" it to the airport just in time to catch a flight that was within our two hours and we were on our way!

(Playing Kings in the Corner on the plane was tough!)

We got to Seattle 5 hours after we were supposed to, layover in Sacramento, and met Ian's cousins Arnie and Whitney at Starbucks to see their two babies (well Emma isn't really a baby anymore). I was so happy we got to see them! They were leaving his grandma's and heading home while we were taking the hour drive to there so we met on the way. Everyone had gotten together to have a nice dinner with us at his grandma's retirement place but since we missed it, they were on their way out. It was really nice to see them and catch up, we hope to see them around Christmas again!

At around 7:30pm we got to grandma's and she showed us to our room, one of the guest rooms at the retirement community. It was awesome! Bigger than any hotel room we could have gotten in the small, military town she lives in, and right up the stairs from her! I didn't want to leave!

(We are messy, I know.)

(Seriously, a flat screen?!)

(Best and biggest shower ever - for wheelchairs but who cares?!)

(Welcome baskets!)

(Grandma Campbell)

(Modeling my new leather jacket and my humid hair.)

(We don't have this in AZ!)

That night we go Subway, because we were starving from our travels, and stayed up and talked to grandma for awhile. She was so excited to see us, we didn't even want to leave her to change from our plane clothes - we just wanted to talk to her for as long as she would stay up. The next morning we told her we'd be up at 7am and when we were up but not ready she texted me, "Are you still sleeping?" She couldn't wait to start the day with us!

(Subways in WA and OR are piloting gf bread. I wish I would have known this on our trip, but Matt didn't tell me until we got to Portland!)

We ate breakfast, anything we wanted, met all of her friends, she showed us around and we even went with her to her exercise class. We were late so when we showed up we had to sit right in the middle of about 30 old people - it was a lot of pressure! It was hot in the room too and I was wearing big boots so I had to take them off and do it in my socks (she said everyone talked about my boots afterwards!) and I was scared to take off my sweater because of my tattoos. (I didn't want to be disrespectful!) The teacher was amazing and there was the cutest old man there in a grey sweatsuit, I loved him. It was my most favorite part of our trip - working out with all the retirees. Loved it, made me feel so good.

After going for a walk and picking blackberries, Ian's Aunt Debbie picked up grandma and she left to spend a week with her. It was such a nice trip getting to visit grandma, staying in our gigantic room and getting to see Aunt Debbie - definitely a trip we will make again!

Next, we headed off to Portland! We got to the car rental place in the afternoon and my dad picked us up, it was so good to see him. I miss him when he's gone and hadn't seen him since the beginning of June! That afternoon as we walked to the store, dad found chestnuts laying on the ground. He asked me if we ever had roasted chestnuts before and I said no, so we picked some up and brought them back to his apartment. We found a recipe, cooked them, and then tried to eat them. They tasted awful! I couldn't understand why so I looked them up online and found out we were eating HORSE CHESTNUTS not sweet chestnuts! And right on the picture of a horse chestnut there was a skull and crossbones - they were POISONOUS! My dad tried to kill me right when I got there! We ended up throwing them out and thank goodness, no one got sick. Too funny - cooking with Greg!

(The car rental guy at the Seattle airport acted like he hated us and mumbled his way though telling us what we needed to do. But, when we got to their off site rental place, we had a free upgrade on our account. Weird.)

(Nikki gets a bath whenever I come to town, I am allergic to her!)

(But I wish I wasn't, she is SO cute!)

We went to Dot's that night for dinner and Matt met us, and breakfast the next morning with Meaghan at Bob's Red Mill the next day (gluten free waffles/pancakes - gotta love Oregon!). After breakfast my dad took us to a spot where he thought we could pick blackberries (we made a cobbler with him once when we visited him at the beach) but they were all dried up. And, we ended up seeing some sweet chestnuts by the tracks too - now those ones we could have eaten! We then went down to a new neighborhood that Matt said had good shopping and walked around. Ian started not feeling good and it was really raining so we decided to head back home. But not before we went to Mac! - a place that all different kids of mac & cheese! It was AMAZING (it is my favorite food, after all) and they even had gluten free noodles!

(We got the truffle one - DELISH!)

Later (after Ian's nap), all of us plus Tammy, my dad's girlfriend, went to the Berlin Inn, a German restaurant that Matt found that had a gluten free menu. I got sausage and an eggplant something and it was ok, although later that night it kind of killed me, I'm not used to mystery sausage. But, the deserts were to die for - peanut butter mousse cake - so good! After dinner we went to Bushwhacker Cider a cider bar and had some yummy ciders that were all gluten free!

The next day we didn't have to be at the airport until 5 so we headed downtown. Matt took the day off and Meaghan met us. I was on a quest for boots, didn't find any, but we did find a TON of food trucks! We don't really have this craze yet in Arizona so it was fun looking at all of the options for lunch. I settled on pad thai (because the lady assured me it was gf), and it was DELICIOUS. I had never really had pad thai before but I'm sure it was the best. You really can't beat eating and drinking in Oregon - if it weren't for the weather we'd live there!

We said goodbye and we were off, on time this time. It was so great seeing everyone, even for such a short time and I'm glad we are starting to make it a point to go more than just once a year. Of course there were people we missed, but we hope to be back again soon!

Life After Life

2011-10-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

A year ago on Tuesday I went into anaphylactic shock from an allergy shot. .01% of my allergens were injected into my body and 20 minutes later I blacked out, not waking up for hours in the hospital. It was the scariest day of my life and I can't believe it has been a year since it happened.

I used to go to this allergist (Dr. Waddington and staff) and I really liked him at first. He did an allergy test on me and gave me lots of prescriptions and creams that really helped. I got my test results back and found out that out of the 60 things they tested me for, I was highly allergy (3 + marks) to every single thing except for one. My back was a huge welt for weeks, from the test, and now I knew why it was so painful.

I started the shots in July and they seemed to be helping. For the first time ever I didn't wake up with phlegm in my throat or a stuffy nose. I went twice a week and because I was so allergic they only upped my allergens by .01% instead of .1% like everyone else. Before you start the shots they tell you that they want you to wait at least 20 minutes, and it's in their paperwork, before you leave to see what kind of reaction you have. The most that ever happened to me was that my arm puffed up and was itchy in the spot they shot me in. I sometimes waited the full amount, but most of the time Fran, the nurse that usually gave them, let me go after 10 minutes. I was never required to sign anything saying that I would stay, and the office never prescribed me an EpiPen, which I heard many doctors do if you are as allergic as me, and getting shots.

Many times there was another nurse who never made me stay. She would just tell me I was ok to leave and so I did, happy that Ian and I didn't have to wait that day (since we came from school it was kind of a pain). A year ago, she just let us leave. Thank goodness Ian was with me and that he works with me at the same school, or I would have been alone and would not have lived to type this now.

As we were driving home, about 10 minutes later, I got really itchy. I thought it was my dress and told him to just hurry and get home so that I could put on some pjs. Then, I noticed tiny red bumps all over me and the inside of my mouth get itchy. They tell you, at the doctor, that if your tongue ever feels like it's swelling up or your throat is closing to go to the hospital, but it doesn't really feel like that. I thought I was just freaking out, stressing myself out over nothing, and just wanted to get home. Ian suggested that maybe we stop by the house, get some pjs and then go to the hospital just in case. I had never been to the hospital before and was scared (and if you know me, you know I am kind of a hypochondriac), so I was trying to stay calm and breathe through it (I say I was trying to "yoga" my way though it). Thank goodness we didn't stop at home because by the time we were almost to the hospital, Ian said my lips were turning blue.

As he drove up the center lane and ran a red light, I knew something was wrong because I was seeing spots. It's true that when you are dying it doesn't feel like you are dying, it didn't really "feel" like anything. When we go to the hospital I remember getting out of the car, barely, and Ian says I dropped my phone because I was fumbling with it. Then, I hardly remember anything else. They made him get a wheel chair to come get me, no one would help him even though he told them I couldn't breathe, and they took my vitals. I took my clothes off, put on a gown and they were talking about intubating me or giving me an epi. They had to do a pregnancy test, because we were trying and I wasn't sure if I was pregnant, before an epi but after that I didn't need either, the three drug concoction they were giving me was apparently working. I heard things and felt the doctor touch my foot, but I couldn't open my eyes. I remember the medicine made me feel kind of weird and I thought, "I may just have to lean over this bed and throw up," and if you know me this means I must have really felt bad, because I NEVER am ok with throwing up.

Hours later, I opened my eyes, after a standing doctor, with a rolling laptop cart and nurse following him typing, checked on me. He kept saying that having my eyes closed wasn't a good sign and that he was waiting for me to open my eyes. When I did, I felt groggy, tired and sweaty. I went home and took the next couple of days off. Things could have easily gone differently. I could have been by myself that day and just pulled over and fell asleep, never to wake up. I could have gone home for my pjs and not made it to the hospital in an ambulance in time or I could have been intubated, something that causes a lot of other complications. I am lucky to still be here today, and I know that.

It took me months to recover. I had to stop doing everything I loved - running, bikram yoga, talking a lot at school because I still couldn't take deep breaths. After getting an inhaler, breathing treatment, EpiPen (just in case) and more medicine from urgent care, I finally started feeling better. Our hospital visit cost us about $500 (after insurance) plus the days I missed of work, and we wrote the doctor trying to get our bills covered. They refused, even though they had nothing put in place before hand to inform patients about this, and I was too tired to fight it. I have never gone back and hope that no one else experiences anything like this through their office. I have talked to doctors since who say they ALWAYS make people wait, they give them an EpiPen before starting shots and they inform the patients of the risks. I just cannot believe my allergy place didn't do any of this, it's shocking to me.

I write this post for a couple of reasons. The first being to trash this place again and insure that no one goes there or if someone does, they demand they sign something before getting allergy shots or drops (same thing, allergens going directly to your blood stream). I don't want anyone going through what I went through and if me talking about it gets them to change their policies, then some good came out of it. The second reason is to talk about allergy shots and how dangerous they are. Yes, they help at first, yes, you may never experience this; BUT, there is a chance this could be you. Sending your allergens to your blood stream in the form of drops or shots is not good for your body, even though it sounds good in theory that your body will be building antibodies to fight these allergens and that they won't affect you in the long run. However, it could take years for this to work, it could be after MANY experiences of anaphylactic shock (it has happened more than once to a lot of people who get shots or drops) and it could be risking your health. Shots of epinephrin are never good and after you have to go to the hospital anyway, for more drugs, if this happens to you. It affected my health for months, and I would never want anyone to experience that, not being able to take deep breaths is absolutely horrible. Believe it or not, once I stopped eating gluten, and found out that was an allergy for me, my other allergies got better. My skin hasn't been as itchy, my nose hasn't been as stuffy and I feel better overall. Maybe look at some other avenues before resorting to allergy shots/drops, it could be something as simple as changing your diet or exploring more homeopathic options (acupuncture and visiting a chiropractor can help too I've heard).

The final reason I write about this is maybe something I've talked about before. I read a book by Dr. Moody called Life after Life and it's about many people's near death experiences (as I write this, I KNOW I have written about this before - a blog writer's common problem I guess). He says that after talking to hundreds of people who have died and come back to life, they all have common elements in their stories. It is a fascinating book and if you are interested in this, I think everyone is, then you should read it. It will open your eyes and you will never think of death the same again.

Now, I did not die and come back, and none of these things happened to me, but I have definitely experienced "life after life." Going through this made me reflect on my life; the people, my job, my travels, my family, my students, my dogs, etc. It made me appreciate everything I have and realize how lucky I am to be here, every single day. We often get wrapped up in what we have or don't have, what we want, what we are trying to accomplish, that we often forget to just be here, enjoying what has been given to us and what we've worked so hard for. I talk all the time about living in the moment and almost dying really makes you think about this. This is my "life after life" awakening, a year later realizing all that I've been through and all that I have and all that I'm thankful for. It took me a while to get to this happy place, this place of love and contentment, but I am finally here and am reflecting on all of it today. I often wonder why I was saved, what is going to happen in my life that I needed to be here for? Last year was such a hard year I thought for awhile, "Why the heck am I still here?" But now I know, it's just to LIVE. It wasn't my time, and all of the pieces fell into place to save my life.

I know that something has happened in your life, like this, where you have been "born again." Do you remember how you felt after? Do you remember the promises you made to yourself? Do you honor those promises today? Take a day to remember this "life after life" event and hold on to how you felt. Every day I am around is a gift and I so often forget this simple fact. You are given this gift too, don't you forget it either. Appreciate what you have, how far you've come and what you've lived through. Focus on today and be happy, if even for a moment. This IS your life after life, and be grateful you are here to live it. I sure am. I am meant for bigger things, I know it, and you are too.

Thanks for listening, THIS was a good one for me to share.

School Clothes

2011-10-08T19:17:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school, I had only one teacher I liked, Mr. Dicus. He was the one who actually made me want to become a teacher (more on this later). He was young, cute and fun and I will remember his class forever. I wanted to be just like him when I started teaching, and I hope that I am.

The thing I noticed about ALL of my teachers was, they always wore the same 5 outfits. I hated it, I wanted to see something new, wanted to be surprised every day, but nope. Teachers are notorious for heading to school in a track suit with wet hair and no makeup, why is that? So, I vowed never to be one of them.

For 90 days, one semester, I do not repeat an outfit. I will repeat articles of clothing but never a complete outfit. Second semester, I am allowed to because, after all, I do not have THAT many clothes. I also am the only teacher at my school that wears heels. I dress up and it makes me happy, less tired and ready for the day.

This year, Ian had the idea of taking a picture of my outfits every morning before we left for school. I thought it would be fun too, so we did it. My friends do often ask me if I wear all of the clothes/shoes I have in my closet and I knew this would prove to them that I did. Christie and Jenny said once, "If you looked at all of Allison's shoes, what job would you guess she had? Not a teacher for sure!" Hahaha I do have some crazy shoes!

Anyway, here are my outfits for your viewing enjoyment. Almost 45 days worth of clothes (some days we skipped because we forgot, time, or because I was going to a conference). And yes, we DO have Spirit Days, I do not dress like a nerd or hippie just because. :) Enjoy!

We Are Not Alone

2011-10-07T22:21:00.000-07:00

Every year I do an assignment with my students where they have to find a song that represents them, bring in the lyrics and write about why they chose it (I wrote more about this here). Although we have a new curriculum this year, I decided to do this project still anyway because I think it is SO important.

Very rarely do kids get to open up like this, share personal parts of their life, express them in a way where they have everyone's attention and respect and let out all of these emotions they have bottled up for so long. This assignment makes my class a family, and could be why I've never had a fight break out in my classroom in 11 years. My first hour enjoyed this so much they wanted to do a group hug after we were done this year, it was amazing. It's the same reason I teach yoga at school, it allows students to feel as though they are part of something, part of a community, and are loved and supported.

This year, I heard some AMAZING songs and some very sad, uplifting, motivating and strong presentations. It is unbelievable what my students go through, and how they never tell anyone. My advice to teachers is this - find out about your students' lives. Don't just discount them if they come late or don't turn in assignments, ask them what's wrong and show them you care. Open up to them, share with them a part of your life too. Become a family because sometimes you are the only family they've got.

I started the presentations off by doing one of my own. I presented this song and read something I wrote about our experience this past year. It was so healing for me and so amazing to see all of my students react to my story. I got hugs after and it felt great. At that moment, I was healed and they helped to heal me. I hoped to do the same for them.

I wanted to share this presentation with you. It really impacted me and after receiving permission from the girl who wrote it, I post it here. Her writing moved me and the way she wrote this is absolutely astonishing. If we would have never done this, I may have never known this side of her as a writer. I wish I could remember her song, but here are her words:

Re-read her ending sentence. She WAS a miracle and it's a wonder she made it out of her mother alive; and her poor mother, having to experience that while pregnant with her. Every single time the students presented something, they ended on a positive note. Most of them can't even get through their presentations without crying (and I will finish for them), but each and every one of them put something bright or hopeful in the end. It is amazing how much these kids WANT happiness, WANT to heal and move on, WANT to see the light. (Reminds me of another poem we have studied by Robert Frost, "I Have Been One Acquainted with the Night.")

I have heard some very sad things and it weighs heavy on me, I feel every day like I carry their burden for them for a little while, after listening. Then, I let it go, for them. I am so happy they have an outlet in which to share, a safe place. I am happy they share with us, with me, and it is my favorite thing we do in my class every year. After each presentation I write a personal note on each one of their papers. I wish for them that all of their dreams and hopes come true, and that they always see the positive - even if it is just in rising every time they fall. They deserve the very best in their lives and I hope with all my heart they get what they want.

This project also really puts things into perspective for me. Sharing what we've all been through brings comfort, you are not alone. WE are not alone. After a tragedy, you feel so lonely and find it hard to reconnect with people, with your old life, and with your old self. But after hearing stories from others, you realize that you aren't the only one. Sadness is everywhere, we SHARE this feeling together. Why do I ever feel lonely in my grief when thinking of my situation? I am not alone. Some of these kids have been through more in life at 16 then I have at 33, and I think only of myself sometimes and my life. Share, relate, grieve together, come together. No one is alone, everyone can relate in some way.

The quarter is over and it's Fall Break. Time for us all to reflect on the past, look towards the future and appreciate the present. Write down a story of your past, put in as many details as you can, describe how you felt, what happened, what you've learned, how you've grown and something positive that came from it. Let it go. Release it. Take time to reflect, heal and move on. Breathe in, breathe out. It feels oh so good.

Some New Furry Ladies

2011-10-06T16:07:00.000-07:00

Did I tell you that Hammy our hamster died? Did you even know we owned a hamster over the summer? I can't remember if I told you, but dwarf hamsters only live 1-2 years and I think Hammy was old when we inherited him.

(R.I.P. Hammy)

Petco and PetsMart have a Pets in the Classroom grant that you can apply for (Kindergarten through 6th grades only I think) and Ian and I decided to apply for his classroom. He teaches Special Education Community Skills at the same school that I work at and part of his new curriculum is about animals. So, we filled out the form, even though it is for a high school class, and hoped for the best. He ended up getting the grant and because we couldn't wait, we headed to the pet store.

And, enter Julie into our lives. When I saw her, I fell in love. She is a regular sized hamster and is a really cute grey and white and I knew we had to have her when I saw her. (She is currently running on her wheel like crazy, in the kitchen, as I type this.) She was immediately lovable and rolled on her back when I pet her, just like a dog. I hope to one day be her best friend and give her lots of cuddles (and feed her popcorn on a piano).

(This is Julie's new home, a two story mansion. We are ridiculous, I know.)

So, after I decided that Julie was NOT the school hamster, Ian had to still get a hamster for his classroom. So, once his free coupon came for a house and half off a hamster, we went back to the pet store and found Robin, a robo dwarf hamster and the smallest little girl I've ever seen. She is truly a little, white cotton ball and she's really lovable because she is so young. I've never held a hamster in my life but I held Robin, and it was SO MUCH FUN.

(An all pink house for the smallest, little girl.)

(So exciting!)

(Just a cotton puff of cuteness!)

(Dual runners when Robin comes home on the weekends.)

Why do two adults with no children now own two hamsters? I'm not sure, but we are totally enamored with them. Hamsters are great pets, so go out and get your own, you WON'T be disappointed.