Thursday, March 31, 2011

Untying My Knot

I went to check out a new OB on Tuesday, thought maybe that next time I get pregnant it would do me some good to have a change of scenery.  As I sat in the waiting room, of the office in a very old building that is very close to my house, I looked around at the young pregnant couple, and the old pregnant couple, and I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.  It felt positive there, like good things were going to happen for me there.  It felt refreshing and freeing.

The nurse called me back and took my blood pressure and weight - she was wearing a hot pink hair clip, hot pink scrub pants, a hot pink watch and hot pink hoop earrings.  If you know me, you know I like pink and I LOVE to match.  I said, "cute watch" and she said, "the nurses here make fun of me because I like to match."  Best friends!  She brought me back to the very small and dingy exam room while I waited for the nurse practitioner.

Nancy was referred to me by two of my girlfriends who have had babies delivered by doctors who work in this office.  When she came in, she told me she had no voice and we had a lovely discussion about allergies (because they are always killing me).  Then I told her my story and added the parts about my previous OB not checking my chart multiple times and scheduling me for things at the wrong time and so on and she just listened.  Then I asked her my questions about taking baby aspirin and progesterone when I get pregnant again and she said those are not normally things the doctor at this office suggests after one miscarriage.  But, if for piece of mind I'd like to do them, they will support me.

I also asked if I got pregnant again what they would do and she said they would do an early ultrasound at 6 weeks to ease my mind.  I asked her if I could then come in every two weeks to see/hear the heartbeat and she told me I could come as often as I liked if it would make me feel better.  I liked that.  She also said two things that really stuck with me.  One of them was that some women think pregnancy is a disease, but really it's just a health condition.  Her words really hit me.

Can I be honest here?  I did not enjoy being pregnant.  Waiting for the baby, thinking I felt movement, and getting excited about being huge and pregnant, I loved.  But looking back now, without a baby in my arms, I did not have a pleasant experience.  I was only 11 weeks when I found out I was having a miscarriage so I never reached the promise land of the 2nd trimester.  I'm so scared of throwing up that I thought I was going to barf every day and became obsessed with it.  I also never looked pregnant and just felt bloated and tired all the time, so I never got to see the fun looks or hear the pregnant questions.  And, let's not mention the super painful end of my pregnancy.  The whole thing was not fun.  So, up until she said that, I DID think of being pregnant as a disease.  I hated it and the thought of it scared the crap out of me.  I looked at as I wouldn't be able to do anything again and would feel sick all the time and would have to just lay around and do nothing.  But, it isn't a disease and I don't have to view it as one.  I can have fun with this again, I just have to change my attitude about it.

She also said one more thing that I liked.  I asked her if she needed my records from my old OB, somewhere I had been since I was 16.  Nancy replied, "No.  Why don't we just start fresh?  Let's just keep those there and if we need them we'll get them.  But for now, let's just start over and leave the past there."  I agree and enjoyed her positivity.  I really did feel like that dingy old office was a fresh start for me, and fit me more than the stuffy, fancy north Scottsdale one anyway.

So, with my new found positive outlook, I went to Meg's yoga class at Desert Song.  I don't know what it is about yoga lately but I am so IN it with myself the whole time I almost cry during it.  We sang our song in the beginning and that almost made me cry, then Meg read something and I almost lost it and then while I was working it (it was a TOUGH class that night) I almost lost it again.  It is so healing for me, it not only flushes out my body but my mind too.  I love it more than words.

At the beginning of class, Meg described these three knots we have in our bodies - one in your core (belly) in your heart (chest) and in your third eye (forehead).  She said when we do yoga, we wring these knots out and untie them, leaving openness after.  So, at the end of class Meg read this poem:

Seek the wisdom that will untie your knot,
seek the path that demands your whole being.
Leave that which is not, but appears to be,
seek that which is, but is not apparent.
                                                                    ~ Rumi

I repeated the first line over and over in my head so I could remember it, and then looked it up on my phone when I got out to the car.  "Seek the wisdom that will untie your knot."  My knot is pregnancy.  It was such a horrible experience for me and I am so scared to do it again.  The time is approaching for us to try again and I am so frightened of it.  "Seek the wisdom that will untie your knot."  I have to do it again, I will have a positive experience and I will have fun.  My knot is the negativity I apply to the experience I had.  It will be different next time.  "Seek the path that demands your whole being."  It will take all of me to do this again.

So, here we go.  I've decided to wait another month until our home repairs are done and school is almost out so it looks like I will have to face my fears soon.  And, after my visit with the OB and this yoga class, I am less afraid now.  I am still scared as hell, don't get me wrong, but a peace has come over me.  I can do this, it will be fun, and it is not a disease.  "Leave that which is not, but appears to be.  Seek that which is, but is not apparent."  


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