Monday, January 31, 2011

And just like that, she was gone.

See this post for the start of this one.  Here is the story I've been trying to write . . .

I woke up Saturday (January 22nd) and cleaned up a bit while Ian was hunting.  We planned on spending the day together when he got home and while he was gone I was going to get a pedicure with my mom and do yoga with Christie.  I cleaned the kitchen and decided to take a shower before heading to get my toes done.  When I got out of the shower I noticed blood and immediately went straight to the internet to see if this was something serious.  I've heard of people spotting while pregnant so I wasn't that concerned (this happened to friends of mine and my mom) so I wasn't sure if it was something to call the OB about.  After looking it up I realized it may be serious so I called and a bit later the OB on call called back.  She told me, "It is probably nothing.  I would just watch it and see what happens.  Or, if you want, you can head to the Emergency room to get an ultrasound."  I asked her what she suggested since she's the doc and she said, "I would stay home but since this is your first baby, and for piece of mind, just go in and see the heartbeat."  So, I called Ian, my mom and Christie and Christie and I headed to the hospital with Ian and my mom coming eventually too.

Christie brought along a trinket that my best friend in Oregon, basically my brother, Matt, gave to her.  She brought it for good luck and I held it the whole time I was in the hospital.  All the way there we laughed and giggled, I was feeling great, no cramps or anything and really just expected them to tell me to take it easy for a bit.  We checked in and my mom showed up and we waited to be called back, all of us talking and laughing.

(We thought it might be lucky, turns out it wasn't.)

They put me in a room and made me wear a gown and I was a bit confused as to why because I thought I was just getting an ultrasound (my OB said she would call ahead and tell them what was going on).  The nurse, Marlene (I think), came in and told me they were going to do a pelvic exam before the ultrasound just because they are the Emergency room and have to treat it like it is an emergency.  We had them call my OB to make sure I needed all this stuff (hospitals are expensive!) and so we just ended up waiting - forever.  They told me I needed a full bladder for the ultrasound (or they would have to put a balloon thingy in there to puff it up - thanks Christie for telling me not to pee!) so I sat there for hours just thinking about not going to the bathroom (or I would pee my pants). 

After talking to my OB, the nurses came in and said I needed to have everything done.  My mom suggested bringing me into the ultrasound room before the pelvic exam so I could finally go to the bathroom.  After waiting another hour or so, they brought me in.  But not before Christie took a picture of Ian and I.  We were so confident that everything was ok, you can see it in our faces.  Scared but not expecting what was coming.


They had to wheel my bed in the ultrasound room even though I could walk, something about me being in the ER and wearing an ER bracelet.  The ultrasound tech was a big lady who looked kind of nervous when we came in.  She put the warm jelly on my belly and asked how far along I was, 11 weeks I said.  She searched around a bit and then told me to go to the bathroom, that maybe my bladder was too full.  I was so thankful because even the ultrasound wand thing made me have to pee, so I got up and went.  As I sat in that bathroom alone I prayed to God that everything was ok, I prayed that we would see our blueberry's heartbeat and that they would send me home on bed rest.  I got back in the room and they had to do a vaginal ultrasound this time since my bladder was empty.  The screen came up and there was blueberry, looking much bigger than in real life, but looking very still.  You could see her arms and legs curled up by her face, but she wasn't moving.  The tech said something like, "do you remember seeing the baby at 8 weeks, jumping around in there" and we said yes but this time she was just laying there.  In the corner, curled up, just resting.  The tech moved the wand around and around inside searching and searching for that flicker of a heartbeat, but there wasn't one.  I squeezed Ian's hand and kept looking and looking at that screen, praying and praying that we would see that little flicker, but we never did.  The tech said that she wasn't supposed to say anything, because she wasn't the doctor, but that she was sorry and it didn't look good.  The baby only measured 8 weeks and 3 days when I thought I was 11 weeks that day.  She said my uterus, ovaries and the baby looked good, no signs of deformities or anything, there was just no heartbeat.  I didn't want to believe it and hoped that when the doctors saw the pictures she took they would notice the heartbeat, I convinced myself that they would, so I didn't even cry when she told us.

They wheeled us back in the room and that is when the tears started.  They gave me a box of kleenex and as we came in my mom and Christie looked back so hopeful with smiles on their faces until we told them.  My mom didn't want to believe it, she kept saying over and over "What do you mean?  No heartbeat?"  And Christie stood next to me squeezing my hand and Ian sat and cried and cried on the other side of me.  I don't remember many details other than this, but I do remember how sad it was and how it was even sadder having to tell them what had happened.  Seeing it on their faces made it so much worse.  I felt as though I was disappointing them, as if I did something wrong.  Imagine thinking that you are 11 weeks pregnant, almost in the clear for a miscarriage, looking towards the glory land of the 2nd trimester where you have energy and feel like yourself again, just to

The doctor came in and told me he was sorry and hugged me.  He shared with me that his wife and he went through the same thing before they had their kids.  The nurse, who we hated at first, came back in and told us the same thing, his wife had one in between having her kids.  The nurse, Marlene, hugged me, took my blood pressure and leaned down close to me and whispered, "Everything will be ok."  But, at that moment, I didn't think so.

I laid in that bed and let them do the pelvic exam while Ian went out to tell his parents and Christie made some phone calls to our close friends.  My mom stayed with me while the nurse poked and prodded taking swabs and things.  He felt both my ovaries and said that my cervix was still closed so that it wouldn't happen soon but maybe in the next couple of days.

As I write this, exactly a week later, I am eating an egg white omelet that Ian made and have to stop every few sentences to wipe the tears from my face.  It seems as though I am being so "matter of fact" but this is so hard to write.  Ian just came over and asked me if I felt like I was purging all of this and feeling better and I replied that instead it feels like I'm reliving it.  I have to pause to cry a second, Ian is telling me to take a break.

I put this off for a week, on purpose, so that I could find it in me to share my story.  But, it doesn't get easier.  Talking to a friend the other day, hearing about her baby that passed away at 20 something weeks, she had tears in her eyes, even with her two boys (she had after) running around the house.  You never forget and it always hurts.  I think it always will.

The hospital prescribed me pain killers because they said I might need them.  Until that moment I thought a couple of things about miscarriages - they only happen to older people trying to have kids, they happen to unhealthy people, something is wrong with you that makes it happen, you did something you weren't supposed to do while pregnant and that if you miscarried, it felt like bad cramps for a bit and then it was over.  I thought it would be like the movies - crying, sitting on the toilet, hunched over and then it was done.  Boy, was I wrong.  I took my gown off and put my clothes back on in the hospital bathroom.  When I came out, Ian, my mom and Christie looked at my so pitifully, it made me feel so stupid.  I didn't want to talk to anyone - no friends or family, because I didn't want to hear the pity in their voices for me.  I felt angry, sad and alone and didn't want to talk to anyone about it, I felt like I did something wrong, like I was a failure.

They sent me home.  They told me that I could follow up with my OB on Monday but until then I would just have to wait it out.  They said it could take a couple of days and that having a natural miscarriage was better than have a D&C because of scarring and being able to eventually try again (although at this point that is the furthest thing from my mind).

So, here I was.  Back at home with my blueberry who didn't have a heartbeat, waiting for the worst possible thing to happen and not knowing how it was going to feel when it did.  I am horrible with waiting, I make things up in my head, dread them, worry about them and drive myself nuts.  If I would have known what was to come or how long I would have had to wait, I wouldn't have done it.  I think that since it was the weekend, I had no other choice, but if it had been during the week, I would have opted for the D&C.  Once you find out your baby is no longer alive and now you just have to wait for it to be expunged from your body, it is a horrible feeling and you feel as though you just want to get it over with and start over (at least that's how I felt at first, it is not how I feel now).  So, I waited.

On Monday, January 24th I had a natural miscarriage at home in the afternoon.  No one could have prepared me for that day and no amount of pain killers could have helped.  It was an awful experience and makes me so scared to try again for fear I will have to do it all over again.  If you are going through something similar, or know someone who is, I will spill the details here.  If you are curious about what happens and want a matter-of-fact account, click that link.  No one tells you what I will tell you and no one shares with you that it happens with 1 in 4 pregnancies, so you (or someone you love) has a 25% chance of going through this.  If you are trying to get pregnant, are pregnant or know someone who is, I don't want to scare you and that is not my purpose.  I only want to say that since this has happened to me, women that I've known my whole life have shared similar stories with me, as well as co-workers, friends and family.  It happens more than we know and until you become part of this "club" it is something that no one talks about.  I only post my experience and details so that someone going through something similar (themselves or with someone they love) knows, instead of not knowing like me.  I wish someone would have shared this with me BEFORE so I wouldn't have felt so alone and like a failure.  Before this happend to me I thought miscarriages happened to older people, people who were out of shape, people with medical problems or women who could not conceive because of something with their baby parts.  I had no idea that it could just happen with no reason or explanation.  Now I do, and now you do too.

If you are skipping the details, read on.  Our week continued, and then it was over.  No one tells you how you won't want to go back in your bathroom after this has happened, how you won't want to be in there alone, how you won't want to ever wear the clothes again that it happened in and how you won't want to do anything you did before because all you can think about is how you used to be pregnant doing it.  There were so many days where I would wake up still thinking I was pregnant, or be watching a movie and have to remind myself that there wasn't a baby in there anymore, and this is just how it is.  Every time I sit down to eat I look at my food and wonder if I should be eating certain things, just like I did when I was pregnant.  It's hard to break those habits and its hard to realize that you have to go back to the way it was before you were pregnant, you feel like that same person but are an entirely different one too.  You came out the other end without a baby in your arms, so you feel like you should be the person you were.  But it turns out, you will never be that person again because you were a mommy and a daddy, even if it was for just a short time.

I am sad beyond words.  I have moved through the stages of grief and now am just depressed.  It's hard for me to get out of bed and when I do, I wish I was back in.  I was pregnant and so happy, carefree and felt invincible and it's awful that next time we won't feel this way again.  We will never get that feeling back, next time we will just worry the whole time, knowing just how fragile life is.  Speaking of, isn't life amazing?  I am shocked that we all made it here and are still here - living each day, breathing in and out.  Considering that this happens in 25% of all pregnancies, it's pretty awesome that we all made it.  I just hope, beyond hope, that our next baby makes it too.

Trying again.  How do you find the strength to do that?  How do you set yourself up for possibly experiencing this again?  I have moved on from the 1st Trimester message boards on The Bump to the Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss posts and have met SO many women that have gone through this multiple times.  So many deserving, caring and sweet women who have befriended someone they don't even know and have given advice based on their own experiences to someone going through this for the first time - these women would be wonderful mothers, but aren't.  They have found the strength to do this over and over again, to have the baby of their dreams, just to experience so much loss.  How do they do it?  Why do they do it?  What drives them?  How do you have hope after this? 

Right now I feel as though I will try again, just one more time.  My dad had the best advice, he said "Allison, you try to get pregnant and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.  Then you get pregnant and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  You just have to keep trying, it's all a part of it."  This makes some sense to me I guess, it just feels as though you have been slammed against a wall and it's hard to stand up again.  It is hard to want to even be intimate when you're so uncomfortable, but I'm sure that will pass.  I told Ian that next time I will be laying on the couch for 3 months - no yoga, no walking on the treadmill, just laying.  I will want to hear/see that heartbeat every day and will CONSTANTLY wonder if it's still flickering or beating in there.  I will do everything different, even though there is nothing I could have done differently (what a dilemma, huh?).  Most miscarriages happen because of chromosome abnormalities, something you can't control.  Will I eat this next time or take that hot shower or got to the dentist or put my feet under the electric blanket?  These are the thoughts swimming in my head every second of the day . . . "if only I did this, would blueberry still be alive?"  You torture yourself with these things.  Seriously.

Today, January 31st (it has taken me days to get this all out), my OB office called.  They left a message so I called back.  The first thing the girl asked me, very abruptly, was "Are you pregnant?" and I answered, "No."  These words sting my heart.  Going from signing in on the "Pregnant" clip board at the office to signing in on the "Not Pregnant" one just kills you.  Hearing a women 37 weeks along talk about how she just wants her baby to come out and how tired she is, KILLS you.  Seeing all the pregnant ladies (and young girls at my school) or moms with babies just breaks your heart.  I decided that from this experience I have learned compassion, and will remember how it feels to be the one without, the one whose heart is broken.  So if someday I am sitting in my OB office pregnant and feeling exhausted, I will remember that someone else sitting there might have just had their baby taken from them, like I once did.  We are not as invincible as we thought.

I want to say thank you to my husband.  The one person I feel like I can truly be myself around in the darkest of times.  This past week I haven't wanted to do anything because leaving the house meant I had to pretend like I was ok.  Being with Ian I don't have to pretend, he doesn't expect me to be ok.  He knows I won't be ok for a long time.  He is amazing and has let me watch whatever I want on TV, rubbed my back through the worst of the contractions, rubbed my feet when I felt bad, laid and cried with me when I needed it, has driven me around and gotten me things and he has been my support.  Words cannot describe how much he means to me, and this has brought us so much closer.  Lean on your significant other through times like this, they will amaze you.  If you'd like a guy's perspective on all of this, stay tuned for Ian's thoughts.  He wants to write about his experience on here too.

I also want to thank my family.  You feel really embarrassed telling people you aren't pregnant anymore when you just were, and my family has been so understanding and supportive.  My mom calls and texts me to check on me every day, is my personal therapist, came over to clean my house when I couldn't and hugs me whenever I need it.  The rest of our family has sent her messages with their love, and even though I can't read them just yet, I appreciate it.  Ian's family has been the same, so caring.  Ian's mom told me it was the worst day of her life on Saturday too, losing our little friend.  Remember, if you are going through this, that your baby is everyone's loss, not just yours.  Your family, your friends and your in-laws all lost someone too.  Support each other.  Talk about it, that helps.

My friends have been great too.  Even though it's hard for them to know what to say, sometimes not saying anything is all I need.  They know that I am not the same as I used to be, but are there for me none-the-less.  They hang with me even though I'm tired and have to go home early on a girls night (that I planned) to take my mind off things, and they are always there when I text or call.  My friends have been my friends for so long they are my family, and I am so lucky to have them.  Sometimes when you need to forget, go out to dinner and drinks with your girlfriends, it will help . . . even if just for a bit.  (Thanks also to my friend and co-worker, Shannon, for telling everyone at work while I was gone so I didn't have to.  She told everyone to leave me alone and they listened, people avoid me in the halls and I love it!  I will never be able to thank her for this, it meant so much)

I decided to change my hair this weekend because after something like this you feel you need a change, something big, but sometimes you have to settle for something small.  Christine came to the rescue and added some blonde to mine, and it helped me not feel so down (I also got to go tanning, REAL tanning, and that helped too).  If you look at this pic you will see two ladies drinking wine and dying hair, but if you look closely at my face, you will see emptiness.  This is the pretending I was talking about.  You put on a smile and you have a good time, you really do, but behind that smile is sadness.  Will that ever go away?

I will leave you with one last thing.  I said to Ian, a couple of weeks ago, that I am so lucky.  Everything I've ever prayed for or wanted, I've gotten.  It took us 6 months to get pregnant and I had never tried before, and neither had he, so we weren't sure if our parts even worked.  When I got pregnant I felt so lucky, I had achieved something that many women can't, and felt so special.  I never took it for granted or wished it hadn't have happened, no matter how much I might have vented on here (these are just my random thoughts remember).

Now that this has happened, you feel very unlucky.  Like, why did I have to be that 25%?  Why did this have to happen to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  Is there really someone watching over us up there, and if so, why did he pick me to do this to?  You have a lot of unanswered questions, emotions and feelings and the most frustrating part about all of it is that they will remain unanswered.  Just like when our Lucy died I tried to make sense of it, but it didn't make sense.  And it never will, and THAT is the hardest part about all of this.

I understand that the baby wasn't meant to be, that blueberry might have had some chromosome imbalance or something, but as a mother - you want to protect your baby.  What could I have done differently?  And as a father, you want to protect your family - Ian wonders if there's something he could have done too.  That's the truly sad part, you will want someone to blame, someone to yell at, someone to question and a scientific explanation - but you won't get it.  And you never will.  So, if you are feeling this way, you are not alone.  Leave comments here, ask questions, go on message boards - we will support you, we understand and we are here to listen when you need us.  There are such strong women out there, it is incredible what they have been through, and unbelievable when you read their stories when trying to make sense of your own.

Sorry this post was so long, so many thoughts and so little room.  I hope you can appreciate our honesty and frankness, I know I would have before I went through all of this.  Today I sit and finish this post (9 days later), feeling not much better emotionally, but slowly recovering physically.  Your mind tries to trick your body into thinking this is just normal, but it isn't and doesn't really feel like it.  Everything is different, and every time you go to the bathroom, you remember why this is happening and your heart breaks even more.  It's strange that this whole process took about a week, and then just like that, our little blueberry was gone . . .

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Goodbye, Little Friend

On Saturday, January 22nd we found out that our little blueberry had no heartbeat.  On Monday, January 24th, I had a natural miscarriage at home.

Finding the strength to write in this blog has been tough, that's why I haven't updated it until now.  Finding the strength to even look at it has been really hard, even now I can't go back and read my posts.  Saturday was the saddest and hardest day of our lives, a day we will never forget.  Finding the words to write today is impossible, I don't even know what to say.

So, I will tell our story.  The reason I want to continue this blog, in light of what has happened, is in hopes that sometime I hope it will help someone, I hope that somewhere out there is a person that may need to read what has happened to us, so that they can relate and move on, just like we have to.  In the hospital on Saturday my first thought was to take the blog down, start over or at least rename it and delete the old posts.  But, after realizing how much other blogs have helped me, I have decided to leave it up and just continue with it as part of our journey.  Some people have journeys like this, some have happier ones, I just hope this helps someone someday.

I am working on writing this all down and started today but can't seem to finish.  Ian asked me if I felt better getting it all out but I actually felt worse, like I was reliving what had happened.  The story will come, I just have to find the words to write it.

Please do not leave comments on our Facebook or Twitter pages if you are reading this, but feel free to leave comments here and hopefully I will be able to read them one day.  I will post the news on Facebook when I am done writing it all down.  For now, this is exactly how I'm feeling, I can't talk about it and don't need a hug, I will just tell you "I'm fine."  I am trying to be strong, trying to be myself again but it is hard.  I feel like I'm sleep walking through life, like I am a robot, pretending to be myself, pretending it's all ok when it's not.  It's exhausting, this pretending, so for now this poem explains my feelings.  So stay tuned, there's more to come when I am ready to write it.

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies she never did before
From now until she dies, she'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my mom how she is and because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how she is, She'll say "I'm alright."                                                  
If that's the truth, than tell me why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how she is, she seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see, nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life, I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how is she she'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen, hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again, we'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here mom, with all the lies you told!"
- Author Unknown

Thursday, January 20, 2011


So, I am a worrier.  I worry about everything even things that are silly, and I always have.  I don't know why I do it, and I don't really know how to stop it, I think it may just be part of my personality.  I don't really "stress" about things, I don't dwell on them, but I do worry.  Sometimes it keeps me up at night, sometimes I listen to my heartbeat super fast on my pillow at night and then start worrying about that.  I think about it until I just can't think about it all any more and then take deep yoga breaths to try to let it go.

I heard that the real worrying starts when you get pregnant and continues for the rest of your life.  I guess once you become a mother, the worries never stop (that's something to worry about right there!).  So, my worrier personality is really getting the best of me lately, and it sounds like it won't get any better any time soon.

I read this list on the blog I love, My Life in Transition, and thought that sounded like a good idea.  Writing down all your worries so that you get them out of your head.  This helps me with everything else in my life (I'm a list maker like my dad) so I thought I would try it.  I liked some of hers so I included them here, and also added some of my own.

From Julia's list (these are my worries too):
  • Please, God . Let me get one that sleeps at least a little bit of the time.
  • Babies need a lot of paraphernalia. How in the heck am I supposed to know what to choose when I've never done this before? So overwhelming. Also, where in the heck am I supposed to store all of this crap? You know I hate hoarding and clutter.
  • CAN WE AFFORD THIS? (my head is exploding right now)
  • Dude, if I'm neurotic about money now when we DON'T pay for daycare, how will I remain sane afterward?
  • Will I drive {Ian} completely insane with my financial (and every other) worries?
  • Will my hips spread permanently after pushing a bowling ball through my pelvis? If so, will I never fit into my skinny jeans again?
  • Stretch marks?!?!
  • Please God, do not let my face balloon up like a swollen sausage. I just hate when my face is fat.
  • Will my child resent me later in life? How bad will it suck to raise a teenager, anyway? I think it was pretty rough BEING one, let alone being responsible for one.
  • What if {Ian} and I let our marriage slip to the wayside as we focus on being parents? I love our marriage right now and sometimes I don't want it to change.
  • How bad is it going to suck to drop my newborn off at a daycare full of strangers while dropping mad cash in this facility? Will it be too much to handle?
  • Pooping on the table sounds like fun...or totally awful.
  • I know it's really really rare, but what if I die during the delivery?
  • How bad is recovery going to blow?
  • Won't it ruin our mattress if my water breaks in our bed? {When will I have time to change the sheets???}
  • Will we forget about our first born bab{ies} {Zipper, Zoe and Linus}? Will [they] hate us forever for having a baby?

And, here is my list (I know, I'm nuts!):

  • Just how much weight will I gain and what will my body look like after this?
  • Will I need fake boobs when I'm done having kids?
  • I want another baby after this one, will I be able to have one?  Will I really be 35 or 36 when I'm doing this again?  Jesus!
  • Will I actually feel "light on my feet" my 2nd trimester?  Is it as glorious as everyone says? 
  • Will I be able to do yoga, for reals, ever again?  (I have been really bad at it since I got pregnant.)
  • Will I have time to work out when blueberry arrives?  Will I really make it back to hot yoga? 
  • Will my husband still find me sexy after watching me deliver a baby, breast feed and my body change?  What if he doesn't?

  • Do I come back to school on August 2nd when I'm huge or do I come back in October?  (I'm due the 13th, will my doctor be able to write a note saying I shouldn't come back?  I don't want to!)
  • Will this job drive me crazy enough where I don't want to continue to do it this year (not teaching, being Department Chair)? 
  • Do I have to go to every meeting/training for the rest of the year even though I'm not doing this job next year?
  • What if someone walks in my classroom while I'm napping?
  • What if something happens and we need to use our sick days before using them for leave next year?
  • Who is going to do recycling next year?  Will teachers/students continue to recycle without me? 
  • Will my kids be upset there is no yoga anymore after this year?  (I don't want to stay at school until 6pm when I could be home with blueberry!)
  • Who will sub for my classes next year?  Will I come back to totally horrible kids?
  • How will I be able to plan for 11 weeks of lessons for a sub? 
  • How will I avoid looking at my email wanting to be caught up on everything going on at work while I'm gone?
  • Will I ever be able to grade all these papers?  When will I start?  (Haven't graded anything since January 3rd, my heart just isn't in it!)

  • We only have one car that can hold a carseat - do we need another?  How can we afford THAT? 
  • Do I need a more reliable care, something newer, so that when I get in it just starts every single time (at least while the baby is little)?
  • Is it really $536 a month to add a baby to our insurance?  How can we possibly afford that?  How do I begin to search for independant insurance?
  • Who will watch our baby when I go back to work in October?  How can we afford THAT?

  • What if I have to have a C Section?  (I don't want one!)
  • What if I have to be induced?  (Doesn't sound fun.)
  • I've never been in the hospital for more than a couple of hours, is it scary?
  • I get hungry and sick feeling really easily, how am I going to go without eating for hours and hours?
  • I can't chew ice chips because my teeth always hurt, is this the only thing I get to eat in there?
  • Why can't my nurse practicioner deliver our baby?  (I like her better!) 

  • Will blueberry forget about me during the day if he/she has to be raised by strangers?  What if he/she likes them better than me?  (I'm talking daycare or a babysitter a couple days a week.)
  • Do I have to find a family doctor?  For all of us or just the baby?   
  • Will stress really have these affects on our baby right now?  Scary!
  • Will I have time to do anything after the baby?  How do moms get anything done?

  • Did I work out too hard at yoga the other night?  Did I hurt blueberry? 
  • Is blueberry still in there?  How do I know he/she isn't gone?  Was he/she EVER in there?
  • Will today be the day I throw up?
  • What if I throw up at my desk in front of 35 teenagers?
  • Does my spray tan look too orange today?  Is everyone noticing and laughing?
  • What if I go to my 2nd doctor's appointment on February 1st and blueberry does not have a heartbeat?  What if he/she isn't there at all?
  • What if blueberry isn't a girl?  How will I make a boy look super cute?  Can I pierce his little ears?  (Ha!)

I will continue to add to this list as I think of more.  Right now, that's all I have.  Any suggestions or motherly advice is welcome on this post also, I need all the help I can get!  :)

Monday, January 17, 2011

A Lovely Day Off

Today was MLK Jr. day so we had the day off from school (we are both teachers).  I personally think all work weeks should only be four days (I would even work four 10 hour days), it would save so much time and money for schools, but no one listens to me.  So, we try to enjoy the three day weekends when we have them.

Today we took our pups for a walk.  This doesn't happen very often because we used to have 4 dogs and it was just too crazy for us to take them all.  But, ever since our Lucy died, we try to take our other dogs more places (even though we don't do this as often as we should either).  But today, they got to go for an hour and a half long walk.  We tried to make it to Papago Park but it was too far so we just stayed around our neighborhood.

We saw some crazy things on our adventure:

And enjoyed being outside:

Our muffins had fun:

And so did we:


After, we all napped on the couch:

And when we woke up, everyone was happy - even Zoe. :)

We spent the rest of the day laying around and Ian even drew a picture:

Sunday, January 16, 2011

10 Weeks

Today I don't know how I'm writing this because I am currently a zombie.  I hit a wall this week with everything, and all I feel like doing is laying in bed.  I am a mix of emotions and feel like yelling or crying at any second.  I think the "wall" is driving me nuts, causing me to get down on myself for not having more energy to do anything, and it's making me crazy.  I had to just stop this week, and give into the madness.  So, here it is, my 10 week photo (never mind the flesh hanging off, the white skin and the hanging open mouth - get it, I'm a zombie!):

It's not time for new clothes for me yet, but I have been doing the button/rubber band trick for a couple of weeks now.  My pants still fit, but it just feels tight on my belly and I don't like it so this makes it feel better.  Some of my zippers like to unzip even with the rubber band, so this makes for a fun day at school when I get to keep zipping them up.  I have a bunch of old jeans from when I was bigger (140 pounds at one time) so hopefully I won't have to buy new clothes for awhile.


I am sleeping better, I sleep through the whole night so that's fun.  I'm still super sweaty though.  But this week, when I wake up, I am just as tired as when I went to bed and go through the whole day this tired, that's the zombie part.  I feel like I'm going through the motions but not really doing anything.  This weekend was better, felt more rested, but the weeks just fly by and I feel like I am just a part of the action, not really contributing.  I hate working, I wish it was summer already!

I feel different this week then I have as of yet.  I've been tired before but have just kept going, and it has worked.  This week, when I'm tired, I can't do anything.  Nothing sounds fun and working out is the last thing on my mind.  I have been reading some pregnancy blogs and all the women say that when you're tired, rest, don't try to fight it.  I've been wondering why this tiredness that everyone speaks of, the kind you can't fight through, hasn't happened to me - but this week it finally came.  I only did yoga once, with the kids, and walked once on the treadmill.  Yesterday I did Body by Bethenny on my own and it was tough, I really had to work at it.  Yoga is getting harder and harder and I wonder if I will be able to do it up until the end.  I hope these ladies are right, I hope that in 2 more weeks (after February 4th!) I get a second wind and feel more like doing things (come on 2nd trimester!).  Then, maybe I can get back into it.  I know it has only been a week, but feeling like this makes me feel not like myself and it's a bit depressing.  Makes me want to sleep even more when I think about it, I'm exhausted.  Ugh.

Um, and my chest is killing me (sorry if it's TMI).  The girls hurt when I walk, do yoga and when I take my bra off.  (And let me just tell you, when I take my bra off it's like they just bounce out!)  I have always been one of those people who comes home and takes her bra off right away, to get comfy, but this week it's actually more comfy with it on.  When I started doing bikram I actually went down a size, so this week I tried on my old, bigger bras to see if they fit yet.  Not yet, but I have a feeling they will soon.

The headaches started this week too and my face is back to its same old thing.  It cleared up for a bit and now it's back, I look and feel like a teenager (another reason to just stay in bed and not go anywhere).  I've also been having crazy dreams and have now felt kind of yucky at night after I eat dinner.  I haven't thrown up, but it's the time I feel yucky now.  I've been wearing my Sea Bands at night but the one on my right wrist makes my wrist actually fall asleep, look at the marks they leave!  These really seem to help me though, and the candied ginger.  When I really feel sick, I chow some of those and the taste alone peps me back up.  

Ian also said I have been really "scratchy" this week which means I'm being snotty.  I think the laziness, the tiredness, the headaches, the no energy and the breakouts make me feel so down I just react and it comes out snotty.  He has been so nice to me, but I HAVE felt super snotty lately.  Hormones, sometimes they just come out.  I will work on it, but hopefully this too shall pass soon.

I also have noticed my pregnancy brain this week.  One day, we came home from school and all the dogs were out.  I totally just put them in the kitchen and forgot to shut the gate.  Another day, I came in from running an errand, and the back door was wide open.  I don't remember leaving it open, but there it was.  I also yelled at some kids at school and went to post it on Facebook 2 minutes later, and forgot what I had said to them!  But, the biggest blunder was when I stuck a napkin in the oven to move a pan and it lit on fire, I had to blow it out!  Then, that same night, I poured some olive oil in a small cup and used a spatula to put it on some raw chicken (double dipping and all), then poured what was left of the oil in the cup, back in the container without even a second thought.  A whole $16 container of olive oil from Cotsco, ruined. 

The best part of this week, other than my amazing husband, happened one night while I was trying to fall asleep.  I felt little bubbles in my lower tummy.  I put my hand there and it felt like little taps, like popcorn popping.  I haven't really had gas (TMI again!) so I don't think that was it, but there they were little taps on my lower left stomach.  I looked online to see if 10 weeks was too soon to feel this, but lots of women said they felt something like that, in the exact same place.  I even called Ian in and put his hand there and he felt it too.  So crazy!  Is that you blueberry?  I hope so.

Aside from my real bed, I LOVE my "second bed" on the couch.  If you have slept on our couches, like so many have, you know that they are super comfy.  Before I found out I was pregnant, I left my spot (of 3+ years) on the big couch and made a little nest on the other side, on the little couch.  When we found out I was pregnant, it kind of made sense why I made this comfy spot, my body must have known.  Well, it has become my permanent spot (maybe until I can't lay on my back anymore) and I am in love with it.  Makes me happy.  (Oh, and those muffins?  They make me happy too, aren't they just so cute?!)

So, that's it.  Sorry for the kind of depressing post but that's how I'm feeling this week.  I know it will pass, I just feel stuck in a rut.  This helps, and so do those foot rubs Ian gives me.  Feeling better already!

Oh and one more thing - I went to my friend at school, Elise's, bachelorette party last night.  For those who don't know, I have worked at my school for 7 years now and just in the past couple of years, have I made any friends.  When I started, I was the youngest person there (by 10+ years or something crazy) and no one would talk to me or was nice to me.  Then, a couple of years ago, younger people started showing up and I loved it.  Now, I have a few girlfriends at school, whom I love, and even though I don't have a lot of time to see them during the week, I really am happy that they are there, they make my job that much more fun.  Thanks Elise for always coming to yoga and brightening our class, your friendship means so much!  Hope you had a fun night (this pregnant lady had to go home early)!

(Meghan, my fellow Department Chair.  Thanks for commiserating with me and always listening!)

(Outlaws.  The guy in the poster looks like he's in our pic!  Thanks Jenny for the western shirt!)

UPDATE:  I wrote this post (above) Saturday night and then waited to post it until we took our weekly belly pic on Sunday.  So, I just wanted to add some things from today.  

Spent a lovely day with my mom, Joe, Nani and Ian today, it was much needed mom time for me.  I'm feeling better, not so down, and had fun visiting with my mom and Nani.  We ate good old-fashioned Italian spaghetti dinner, homemade cookies and lemon bars and went to Target to try on maternity clothes for the very first time.  Tried on some jeans with the big elastic belly band, but am not ready for those yet, so settled on a pair with just a bit of an elastic waist at the sides.  Not the fabric band, just a regular waist but it's stretchy, so has some room to grow.  They are super comfy and I'm so happy I got them, they are really cute.  Two 20 something girls even came up to me when I had them on outside the dressing room and told me they were cute.  I told them they were maternity jeans and they were like, "No way, they are so cute!  You are pregnant?  You don't look it!"  And I told them I loved them.  Ian said he ran into them as they were walking away and heard them say, "I hope I fall in love and have a baby one day," so freaking cute.  Made my day.

As much as it seems like I'm complaining on here, I promise I'm not.  I write how I'm really feeling so that other ladies searching for pregnancy blogs (like me!) can hear the real story from someone going through it, and also so I can look back and remember how I felt during certain times.  I think it will be helpful to read both the good and bad days, and helpful to others too.  I would not trade what is happening in my life for anything, even when I have bad days/weeks.  I am so very happy to be growing this little blueberry, it is beyond words, no matter how I'm feeling.

So, there you have it.  Felt crappy all week and last night, felt better today and that's just how it goes.  The ups and downs of this journey, makes it exciting!

Friday, January 14, 2011


How am I 32 years old and have just discovered blogs.  I knew they were out there, but I thought only 16 year old girls wrote them about their hair and boys and other 16 year old stuff.  But, there is in fact a whole blog world out there that I had no idea existed and I am LOVING IT.

My friend Christine started a blog called 600 Sq Ft Home and I loved reading her posts every week, it gave me an insight into her mind and just how witty she is both outside of the the blog world and in it.  Then, our friend Jenny started a blog called Hibbard Kitchen, and I loved reading her posts too about her increasing love of cooking.  These two girls would talk and talk about blogs and what people were posting, writing about, fashion, etc and I had no idea what they were talking about.  I tried to read some of the ones they recommended but was never really into any of them for some reason.

Then, I found out I was pregnant and decided to search around for blogs that had weekly pics, like mine, and talked about what other mamas were going through so I could relate (and not feel so crazy).  The first one I found was my bbff's blog, Ashley's Green Life (that's my blog best friend forever, btw), and that was it for me, I was hooked.  Ashley actually mentioned another blog on hers, My Life in Transition, and so of course once I was caught up on Ashley's I started reading Julia's.  I just read her pregnancy posts (and some a bit after) because I don't want to get too far ahead.  I think it will be fun to read her baby posts when our blueberry is here so I will have other things to relate about.  So, I'm saving the rest of hers for later.  Also, these ladies put up blogs THEY like, and so now I'm searching those seeing which ones I HAVE to read too!  I am completely obsessed and apparently it is a vicious cycle, never ending.

So, for the past 2 weeks all I've been doing at work is reading blogs (when I'm not teaching, of course).  I've resisted the urge to do it at home but I'm sure I will cave eventually.  I am learning all kinds of things, getting all kinds of ideas and becoming more and more excited for blueberry to GROW and just get here already!  Plus, all these ladies are supe cute throughout their whole pregnancy, so it's really a lot to live up to.  The pressure!

Now I know that there are millions (maybe billions?) of blogs out there, but I've decided on at least some factors that they have to have in order for me to really be into them and want to read them.  They can't be like ads with tons of links and pictures to click; they have to be down to earth and relatable.  I also don't really like informative blogs with colors, schemes and ideas; I like actual people, life ones.  I know these blogs are apparently what everyone is into, but I'm really not and think I will stick to the more "people next door" blogs for now.  Like this one looks cute, or even this one, but I think it's too much for me at the moment.  Then, when you show me lists like this, I don't even want to start searching these!  It's overwhelming!  I also like fashion a whole lot, but fashion blogs are hard for me to relate to so I don't even want to bother with them, for now.

I also realized that people purposefully don't put their last name or any real revealing details about themselves in their blogs.  I never thought that by writing this eventually tons of people might be reading it, but I supposed I should have considered it.  I hope that one day my pregnancy posts will be helpful for someone like other's posts have helped me, so I guess I need to consider that people other than friends and fam will be reading this.  So, now I have to go through and edit some things, booooooo!  (Don't get me wrong, I will not edit juicy details or items that may be useful for other preggo ladies, but I will edit our last names, work place info and so on when I can.)

Anyway, I am officially blog-sessed.  (That's blog obsessed if you haven't guessed.)  How am I supposed to get any of these papers graded when all I want to do is read about all my cute blog lady friends and their lives and babies?  Ugh.  

At least it's a three day weekend, plenty of time for blog writing and blog reading (and I also plan on sleeping for most of it)!  Wooooo!  :)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Teaching Yoga

So, for those of you that wondered, I am an "off the books" yoga teacher.  I do not have my yoga teaching certificate, but have been practicing it myself for almost 5 years.  I told you a bit about this here.  I believe in the whole practice of yoga and don't just do it on the mat for two hours, I try to live it every day.  I like doing it and I like teaching it; if I didn't, I wouldn't (that's just the kind of person I am).  Before we started the class at school almost 5 years ago, there was nothing like this for our kids who were interested in being active, but weren't interested in competetive sports. 

I continue to teach yoga to teenagers becuase I think it helps with patience, anger management, self-esteem, obesity (and tons of other things), and gives our students something to do after school.  We teach in an inner-city school and a lot of our students stay at school becuase they don't want to go home.  So, giving them something productive to do is fun, despite if I get paid for it or not (which I don't).

Teaching yoga offers me something that teaching English doesn't.  I can be myself, instead of a "teacher" and wear comfy clothes and interact with the kids in a completely different way.  I stay after school until 6pm one night a week from October to February because I think it is fun and important for the students.  I like that they get to know me outside of school and that we get to connect on another level.  It gives me peace and makes me happy.  Even if I am feeling tired and drained (like I did yesterday) - when I see those kids walk in and work their butts off, it picks me up.  These are the moments a teacher dreams of.

If I could just be a yoga teacher that would be awesome.  Imagine basically wearing pjs all day at school, getting paid the same, not having to grade papers, working out 5 hours a day and being barefoot while you do it.  Amazing.  I actually brought this up with our Principal, about offering a yoga class for elective credit next year, and she told me she'd "think about it" (which means no).  Other schools in our district do it so it is already in the handbook, but adopting a class is a lot of hoops to jump through, so we'll see.  I told her just to offer it one hour to start, or two, and then we will see what happens.  I'm crossing my fingers!

This year, my husband has stepped in and helped me get ready for each session and teach each week.  I am so glad he's there, along with our other teacher friends, because soon I won't be able to do much and will rely on all of them to help the students.  Next year, I will be back to school after fall break and hope to contiue to teach yoga, but am worried we will not have a space (we never do, I fight for a room) or that I will not be able to do it because of the baby.  I may just have to take next year off, I always commit to too much (it's the life of a teacher!).  But, that stuff will sort itself out.

For now, I have some pics to share from last night.  We only had about 20 students come out (it always fizzles after the first semester), but it was fun none-the-less.  To get ready, I took a nap behind my desk becuase I knew I'd be at school until 6pm and would miss my daily nap.  So, I put a sign on my door that said "Do not disturb.  Please call (my extension) before unlocking my door."  That way, no one would just bust in but instead call me first.  I am the Department Chair for the English department and sometimes people need me, and since we share the same key (in our hallway), they just come in.  Weird.  Once I tell everyone I'm pregnant, hopefully this will change, but for now, they get the "do not disturb" sign.  :)  I keep thinking about next year when I may have to pump in my classroom (I know, TMI), and I just can't have people walking in when I'm all hooked up!  So, I'm hoping people give me a little more privacy after the news is out.

Took the best nap behind my desk on my yoga mat.  Slept for 40 minutes I'd guess, the bell woke me up (0ne of the perks of teaching!).  I am lucky because I have three hours off in the middle of the day so if I need a nap, I can take one.  It's just not very comfy on the floor (I need to get a couch!) but it will do.

(Tried to capture it in the dark so you could get the full effect.)

Anyway, we had a great work out yesterday (was worried I did too much, was SO tired last night and am SO sore today) and had a lot of fun.  Glad there were only a few students, it's so hard to teach 80 - you wouldn't believe it!  Here are some of my kiddos (and yes, they all signed internet release forms):

(Ms. Iadevaia is there in the front, a friend not a student.)

(This guy could not do this back in October.)

(He has been doing yoga with me for 2 years now and is part of my Recycling Club, he works his butt off!)

(Love the girl in glasses, she's been with me two years too and is an incredible dancer!)

(The girl in front, who you can't see, has also been practicing for two years.)

(Ah, rest!)

For more Fit Club yoga pictures (that's the name of our club, we had to name it in order to do it), visit our Facebook page and "like" us!

Oh and on a totally unrelated note, we made the most amazing veggie pizzas on Monday.  Spinach, mozzarella, green peppers, sun dried tomatoes, mushrooms and garlic spaghetti sauce (Ragu of course) on a whole wheat pita.  Sooooo good, tasted gourmet!