Saturday, July 2, 2011

Too Many Feelings

I went to yoga this week after swimming all day with friends.  At the pool, Mary and I were talking about living in the present and how it is so hard to do.  We were talking about my loss, a loss she experienced and how they left us feeling out of control, something we normally like to be a part of.  

It is so hard to let things go, to realize that some things may be out of your control.  It is so tough for me lately, and it seems to be so prevalent in my life, everything I read has to do with letting go and letting things just happen as they will.  We even watched the Adjustment Bureau the other night and it had tones of the same in it - live in the moment, trust that this is the right path for you.

But, isn't that so hard to do?  Live in the moment.  Think about it, is it even possible?

Meg, my yoga instructor, read a passage to us about this very thing.  It is so funny how yoga mirrors life and no matter what you are going through it seems to come up in class, something to focus on and make sense of.  I know that everyone in the class probably thought Meg was talking just to them, because that's what I thought too.  How did she know I was just talking about this earlier and struggling with it at the moment?  The passage was about how if you do not live in the present, if you constantly focus on the past or the future, you are basically blind, deaf and dead (in nicer terms of course).  It meant that you aren't really living if you can't focus on what is happening now.  She said a quote and repeated it multiple times in class, "see what is."  Don't focus on anything else other than what is happening right now - see what is.

I left thinking that I was going to honor this, that I would try to "see what is" from now on.  Lately, I've been so down, so sad that it's hard to focus on the present when you don't really know what will happen in the future.  My feelings are so blah that sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed.  We have been trying to have a baby for a year now and it really gets to you, it makes you feel so down and it's hard not to focus on it.  It has put some strains on us and my interactions with family and friends, it's just always on my mind even when I try not to think about it.  It isn't what makes me who I am, but it is something I worry about all the time.  

Think about it this way, and I've said it before.  You were happy, on a path, going the distance, ready to grow and change, ready to start a family and then it gets pulled out from underneath you.  You thought that if you planned right, did all the right things, that it would just happen for you, because it was meant for you.  But, this is the control part, sometimes it's not up to you, and I know this now.  It's hard to bounce back from something like this, hard to be the person you were.  It gets easier, but then you come to a place where you don't really know who you are anymore or what you want, a place that is very confusing and seems very out of control.  A scary place for someone like me.

I wish I could talk more about it here.  I wish I could share more of my deepest darkest feelings with you.  Isn't it funny how blogs are supposed to be your honest thoughts and feelings, but you can't really speak honestly on them?  Family, friends, husbands - they all read these thoughts, so are they really your true thoughts or a censored version for all to see?  What would I say if I knew that only strangers read this?  If I knew no one else would find it?  Wouldn't my thoughts really be different?  More honest?

I will attempt to explain my feelings to all without sharing everything, hard to do.  I still feel like I disappointed everyone and am continuing to do so every month that goes by.  I feel like I let my in-laws down, my mom and my grandma too by not being 8 months pregnant right now, due in August.  I feel like I let my husband down by not keeping his baby safe, by not letting him protect me from this.  I feel like my life is spiraling out of control because for the first time ever I have no say in what is going to happen.  I have always considered myself such a lucky girl (and I know I still am in many ways), but I never thought this would be me.  Some days I feel like a completely different person and I don't know how to be or what to say.  I feel like I explain myself but the words come out all wrong, all of the time.  I feel so alone in my own head without a way to express how I feel.  I feel like I want to be a part of every family event (mine and Ian's) but at the same time I'm still so sad, embarrassed and disappointed - it is hard to be happy around anyone.  I feel like a prisoner in my own head and in my own house, a prison I've constructed for myself for no reason at all.  It's strange that it is almost 6 months later and these are the feelings I have.  What has happened to me?

See what is.  But WHAT is?  And how can I see IT if I don't know what IT is?  How can I live in the moment if the moment is so sad and miserable for me?  It is so hard to focus on the now, when I worry so much about the past and the future.  Is it really possible to SEE WHAT IS?

I have so many thoughts that I can't share here but would be happy to share in person with you.  I am not depressed (I don't think) but I AM sad, I just don't really know my place in the world that we've created together anymore.  I am bored and tired and angry and upset and stagnant, it's just hard to be myself when I am feeling all of these things.  I am normally a very happy person, but lately I don't really know how to put on that happy face, even though I want to so badly.

It's so strange that when you lose a baby you have such a range of emotions and then you come out the other side, think it's over, but it lingers - there is an aftermath.  Learning how to be you again is hard, and learning how to interact again is hard too.  I am trying, I am trying my hardest here.

My friend Crystal has a blog where she talks about her journey living with cancer.  She has a list of all of the things she wants to do and is trying to cross things off her list (you can even donate to help).  She wrote this post about how she wasn't even sure she would be around for the 4th of July this year because the doctors told her she might not, but she is still here and feeling good.  It really puts things in perspective and her words are so inspiring (not just on this post but others, follow her blog).  I know that joy exists in so many things, and I have joy in so much of my life, it's just so hard to see it sometimes.  Positive posts like hers keep all of us going, thanks Crystal for writing, we are definitely reading.  

I will do my best and that's all I can do.  This is the plan for my life, whether I like it or not, or planned it or not.  Someone has got to be out there making sure this is the way it's going to go, and that it is right for me.  Let it go.  Breathe.  One day at a time, one moment at a time.  See what is, see what is, see what is . . .


  1. You NAILED this post. Your words did not fail you and honestly, you have put into print what I've had floating in my head for the past few weeks. I know our journeys are not the same but in many ways we are going through similar emotions. Thank you for putting this out there in words. I needed to read it, to feel like I'm not the only one out there learning to be me again, trying so hard to be in the present, but feeling incredibly out of control all at the same time.

    Hang in there, lady. Hugs.

  2. Julia, just saw your comment here and I am sorry I did not respond earlier, thanks for the compliment!

    I do feel as though my words fail me sometimes, or that I fail myself in not being completely honest here, knowing that family and friends are reading. It's hard to tell people the sadness you feel, or the awkwardness. I was just telling a friend the other day that I think I've lost my ability to have casual conversations, I feel very guarded still and it's hard for me to open up like I used to.

    I was one of those people that could talk to anyone but now I find it hard to even be around friends and family sometimes, like I am alone still, in my heart and in my head. It's very strange, and sometimes I feel like Ian and I are on another planet, just us, and no one else could possibly understand what we are thinking/feeling.

    I know this is all part of it, and it is for you too, but it's just so hard to reconnect. It takes time and it is a process, but it will come back one day. You will come back too, there is a light at the end of the darkness and every day you will heal a bit more.

    I am here and I can relate, right along with you. We ARE going through similar emotions and I am glad that I can help you like your blog helped me when I was pregnant, even though it is over something so sad. But, one day, we will both be pregnant again, and again we will share another journey. Hugs to you and your family too. xoxo :)