Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Open your heart

This is hard to do both physically and mentally.  Think about it, it leaves you so vulnerable.

On Ian's birthday we got Chinese food and this was my fortune.  And recently, I took a trip with a friend and on my bottle cap (of my very weird tea) I got the following message.  Both things I needed to hear.

Now, let me explain.  Last week, we tried the Intermediate yoga class at Desert Song.  I have been going there for 4 years now and have gotten really good at yoga, so I thought I'd give it a try.  However, I am not one of those people that is looking for the next hardest class, I would love to just keep attending the classes I already go to, and just work on my alignment.  Yoga is as hard as you make it and you are always a learner.  As Bethenny says, "There's no ego in yoga."  But, my husband likes a challenge so I asked him to go with me if I tried the harder class, and he did.

I am really good at back bends.  I am really flexible and have no problem bending all the way back, from standing, and looking towards the back wall in a bend.  It doesn't scare me and it's also how I walk normally and stand - with my butt sticking out.  I can lay flat on my stomach and have someone bring me up by my shoulders and go really far back, almost like I am sitting up backwards.  (On a side note, when I was pregnant, back bends made me so nauseous so I actually have a love/hate relationship with them now, even though I can do them again.)  However, I really suck at upper back bends.  I knew this going in and wasn't prepared for the class I was about to take. 

This intermediate class was all about bhakti yoga, yoga from the heart.  Meg, one of the most amazing yogis, explained that everything you do and learn on the mat, you should take into your life.  Apply your heart to all you do and do it with integrity.  She also had us practice opening our hearts, upper back bends, yuck.  Many times in class she had to come help me to bend from the top instead of the bottom of my back and many times I got frustrated and felt as though I didn't understand what I was doing.  By the end of class my upper back was so sore (and for the next few days!), but I finally understood why I was having so much trouble.

Recently I've been thinking about my journey to become a mother.  It has now been a year long journey for us, we started trying in June 2010.  I never thought it would have taken this long, or that we would have ended up where we have today.  You just think it is so easy, everyone makes it look so easy, but sometimes it isn't and it's infuriating.  It's hard to listen to others talking about how easy it was for them, or how easy their next one will be, because I know that it may not go the way they want it to after all.  I didn't think I'd have to think "what if I'm pregnant" for a whole year, I just thought I would be and then I could plan things.  I find that some things I don't want to do or plan for because I just don't know where I will be in this process during that time.  Like I've said before, I thought I was well on my way when I was pregnant, on the right path and then it was all taken from us all of a sudden.  As this year has drawn to a close, I've started being resentful of the whole thing, mad at the fact that it has taken so long and that I've had to wait for this part of my life to begin.  I am a planner and I thought I could plan this too, but as my blog friend Julia recently said, "I have now learned that the inconvenience of having to wait . . . is absolutely no big deal compared to what could have been, and what might come to be for us."  You can't plan this sort of thing, no matter how much you think you can or how hard you try.  It is truly up to the powers that be and you just have to find a way to accept it.  Hardest thing I've ever had to do, I still struggle with this.

So, here I am, a year later trying to open my heart physically and realizing that I can't do it because it isn't open mentally.  I am still angry and upset and still can't let go of what would have been.  Blueberry was due on August 13th and as that date draws closer I feel just as sad I as I did in January, it's so hard to let it all go.

So, on Ian's birthday at the restaurant, I opened my fortune and it said, "A new relationship is about to blossom.  You will be blessed."  And in Oregon, sitting with two of my best girlfriends (after telling my story again), I opened my bottle cap and it said, "May your anger set with the sun and not rise again with it."  How significant to how I have been feeling.

I am still sad.  I am still angry.  It is STILL hard to make sense of what has happened.  Hearing a similar story recently brought me back to those old feelings of helplessness and all I could do was tell my friend that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  You will never forget, but it does get easier.  And, it could always be worse, so we must focus on all of the good things in our lives that make us keep going.  We will be parents one day, I have to believe it.  But, it's still so hard to believe.

I will work on opening my heart in my mind and then maybe it will come in yoga too.  It will get easier, I HAVE to believe it.  That's all we have, we put our faith somewhere and hope that everything will work out.  Without faith, we don't have much.  All I can do is try to keep my heart open to let all of the good come in, all of the good that I know is in our future.  It HAS to be.

In times of sorrow, try this.  Open your heart.  I will be trying it right along with you.

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