Thursday, May 31, 2012

34 Weeks & Ian's 32nd Birthday

Let's see, where did I leave off last week?  (I am SO unmotivated to write today, we have a million things to get done around the house and are running out of time, so this may be a quick one!)  

Oh yes, I went to yoga.  It was fun because I shared my experience about my terrible hospital visit with all of my pregnant yoga ladies and felt reassured after talking about it with Yvonne, our teacher.  I told her how I am trying to be so positive about the whole birth experience and that everyone, my doctor and hospital, just is so negative.  She told me that this is normal and just to just keep up the positivity and good things will come - I knew all this but it was nice to hear it.  I also said, out loud, for the first time ever that I am going to try to have an all natural birth.  I actually announced it in class, and couldn't believe it when it came out of my mouth.  I also told my doctor this yesterday at my appointment and discussed it with our hypnobirthing teacher as well.  Crazy!

Now, let me clarify.  This morning I woke up thinking about this very subject and I just want to write it here for me to see.  I will attempt an all natural birth as long as I an practice pain free hypnobirthing techniques and it is not stressful for me or the baby.  However, if my labor becomes too painful which results in me stalling, stressing or freaking out (or the baby undergoing any stress) I will do whatever is necessary to remedy the situation.  I am hoping I can mind over matter this, but do not know what to expect so I will not say any absolutes in this situation.  (By the way, I hate it when people say absolutes like, "I will never have a baby," or "I will never get married," etc.  Why say it because you never know what might happen in the future, you know?)  I am staying positive, I know that I can do this (partly because I've kind of done it before, although only at 11 weeks), I am strong and am pretty tough but don't want to make any guarantees.  I know all of the facts, I am educated on the subject and believe I have the tools to make it work - but it will be ok if I chose to have an epidural, no big deal.  It will happen as it is supposed to happen, right?  We have no control over any of it anyway, sometimes you have a birth plan that gets thrown out the window if some emergency arises - and that's totally ok.  We expect so much of ourselves, it's stressful, so this one I will just go with the flow.

We received a sample birth plan last night at hypnobirthing and a fear checklist to fill out before we go back on Saturday.  I think we will take the birth plan, modify it a bit for us and then go over it with our doctor next week.  The fear list is great because I've read, in Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, that having unspoken fears can stall labor and just by saying them aloud can make things progress again, and I can't wait to explore our fears through a hynosis technique and then put them away.  I will include some here after I fill out my list, my mind is somewhere else at the moment (like I should be in then nursery spray painting frames right now!).

Wednesday was our last day of school last week and Ian's birthing was on Thursday.  We went to lunch at Spaghetti Company (one of our favorites that also has gluten free pasta), did some shopping and then came home to relax and make gluten free philly cheese steaks (another of my favorites that I've never attempted to make gf before!).  

(Yes, it's summer and this means no shirt for Ian!)

(Homemade gf philly cheese steaks with organic steak - so yummy!)

(Ian got a new vacuum for his birthday, it's all he wanted, and here is an action shot - he loves it!)

On Friday, Ian was off to ComicCon to root through comics all day and then on Saturday I joined him with our friend Tozzi and my brother-in-law and his family.  It was pretty crazy there, a lot of walking around, and after about 3 hours I was beat.  I DID get to hug Colin Ferguson, from Eureka, saw some pretty interesting costumes and bought a cool Spider-man print to hang up (I'm obsessed).  Ian also got me another print on Friday of all the Star Wars characters doing yoga poses, it is so cool, and I may hang it up at school when I go back.  Sunday we were off to Ian's parent's house for his birthday dinner and then when Monday rolled around we decided we better get to work on some projects around the house.

(My sister-in-law, Kelly, came over on Saturday night and we decided to give her the bunny.  We loved him, he was so cuddly and cute, but we have too many pets and a baby coming so it was just the responsible thing to do.  He loves it at her house and is having fun, I know she'll take good care of him!)

Ian started spackling and painting the carport while I took on the spackling and painting the frame around our front door.  I am so tired lately and all I feel like doing is laying on the couch or in the pool, but time is just ticking away and we are running out of time to finishing this little stuff around the house.  The whole back of our house needs to be painted, the nursery needs to be finished and then some touch ups on the inside should happen before baby comes.  It feels like so much, especially since I have no motivation to do any of it, and I wish we could spend this time together, laying on the couch, instead of working.  We only have a month or so left to be together, just the two of us, and working all day isn't what I had in mind these last couple of weeks.  But, we've agreed to quit at 3pm every day so that we have some time to relax so that should be good and calm my soul a bit.

(Lemon's dresser arrived this week too, it is so cute!)

(Summer also means gf pasta salad at our house - yes!)

(Do not mind the hair, this is what summer, pregnant Allison looks like around the house.  Can you say cravings much?  I am in LOVE with fruit - this is the second, giant fruit salad I've made!)

We went to hypnobirthing last night, instead of Saturday because of ComicCon, and it was really relaxing.  We learned about some labor positions, some calming hypnosis techniques and watched some more outdated videos.  In one of the relaxation techniques she made our hand a "relaxation glove" so that when we put it on and moved it to different parts of our body, it made them numb and relaxed.  I think this will be SO helpful during labor, I can't wait to use it.  So many of the techniques are in the hynobirthing book, but I told Ian we could record them, us saying them, and put them on my iPod instead so that he won't have to pick up the book to read them to me, I can just pick the track I want to listen to whenever I feel like it and go into it.  But, this is something else to do in the limited time I feel like we have, so we'll see.  I have to put all the hypnobirthing CDs on my iPod sometime soon anyway and start packing my hospital bag and making a list - agh!  I started packing the diaper bag for the hospital and that was fun, I just can't believe it is all happening so soon!

I am afraid I am a bit in denial about the whole thing (and feel horrible admitting this here!).  As I've said before, this pregnancy has been a nerve-wracking one, us constantly worrying about if baby is healthy and not really taking the time to bond with her or focus on the reality of the situation.  I have told you before, it's hard to get attached when you've experienced a loss, and now my mind is finding it hard to accept that this is all really happening, because in a way I was worried that it never would.  I did not think, months and months ago, that I would be 34 weeks pregnant one day, I had hoped it but in the back of my mind was worried we wouldn't make it this far.  Now, here we are, and it doesn't seem real.  I don't feel pregnant still, just like a slower, less mobile version of myself.  Am I the only one who thinks this way?

I know what is coming, I am armed with the facts and tools but just can't seem to wrap my ahead around it.  I know there is a baby coming but find it hard to visualize bringing her home from the hospital and her living here, with us.  I just feel blocked in this department, like it might never happen because it is so surreal.  Is this common for first time moms or am I some sort of freak?!  I have spent so much time not focusing on the reality, just focusing on Lemon's health, and now I can't seem to grasp the reality.  It's weird, I'm weird, I know.  I'm excited and nervous and have no idea what to expect - but can't wait to see our baby girl.  In a way I am still a little hesitant like, "Is she really coming?  What if something goes wrong?  Will she really be home with us using all of this stuff we have for her?"  Maybe that's it, maybe it's the same old thing like I'm preventing myself from getting excited because I still have it in the back of my mind that something could happen to her.  Why am I like this?  I gotta work on it . . .

I guess I had more to say than I thought, isn't that how it always is?  Thanks for listening (reading), I do feel better always getting it out.  Now, I'm off to do some work!


  1. Allison,

    Don't worry- you're not weird! I'm feeling the same way- I'm not as worried about my baby because he moves ALL THE TIME, but I am having a hard time imagining him, and what life will be like once he's here. I have little moments of excitement thinking about looking at him and seeing his litte self for the first time, but it's all just so hard to imagine. It's much easier for me to focus on getting prepared, getting the house ready, and just all the things that need to be done. That's the only way to feel like we're in control at all!- Anna Kate

  2. You are not weird at all! I experienced all of those feelings too! I just could not imagine the reality of my daughter actually being here, bringer her home, all of those things you mentioned. In fact, at my last Drs appt. (2 days before my due date) I told my midwife how worried I was- that I felt like I wasn't really going to get to meet my daughter, etc. To calm my brain she sent me for a non-stress test, just so that I could be reassured all was fine! I felt like the crazy pregnant lady in OB because nothing was really wrong I was just so concerned! I really just couldn't imagine her being in my arms so I thought that was my brains way of "preparing" me for something bad. Turns out, I went into labor like 4 hours after that test!!!! So no worried, it's totally first time Momma thoughts! As soon as shes home with you it will feel normal!

    Also- I just love your positivity about the birth! I totally wanted to take the hynobirthing classes but (of course) they were only offered during the time I was taking my grad classes! I ended up not having any kind of birth plan- with the idea that what would happen would just happen. I was open to anything. Hoping to try to go without
    Medication but open to possibility if I needed it. Turns out I didn't have time! So went all natural! You CAN do it! And if not, then who cares! Just get your baby here in the safest way possible- in a way that makes you comfortable, safe and happy too!

    I am so excited for you guys!

  3. From my mom:

    Ok, I totally agree with Amber and you. Whatever happens and whatever decision you make at the time is the right one. I trust that you'll know what to do and your body has a way of helping make those decisions.

    And, as for bonding? You just don't see what I see when your face lights up just thinking about little Lemon Ray. You already love her and she makes you so happy. I see it whenever you talk about her and you never complain about the aches and pains. It's as if each kick or little foot in your ribs is a little miracle that she is saying, "I'm here, I'm real and I'm coming soon to be with you!" And you are happy! That's the way it should be with a little "scared" mixed in. You already act like a mom so no worries about bonding. She's coming!

    Here are a couple of things I wish I'd done differently! One, I wish I hadn't listened to anyone telling me their pregnancy stories or judging the decisions I'd made. Second, I so wish I'd made the nurses let me hold you soon after you were born instead of whisking you away to clean you up or do whatever! I always felt that I missed that "bonding" moment. Your dad got to hold you, but they kept me too busy or something and I've always regretted that. And last, I wish I'd been more patient with you dad when he tried to help or do things differently than I wanted him to do them. I think, because I was breastfeeding you, he felt "out of the loop" and didn't get to bond over feeding you. I would also stand over him and make him change you or burp you a certain way instead of letting him find his own rhythm with you. I regret that now. I had to learn to let go of "Do it my way, it's the RIGHT way!"

    Oh...and did I ever tell you about how I met Dr. Krupa? That reminds me to tell you to add looking for a pediatrician on your list. I think they make you see one before releasing little Lemon from the hospital.

    Ok...I'll try to post this. I love you and can't wait to see you this week for SHOPPING and whittling down your list.

  4. Allison, I love reading your posts. You keep it so real, 'It's weird, I'm weird, I know', hilar. Can't wait to paint picture frames in bikinis with you today!
    P.S.-Karen, could you be any more adorable!!

  5. I am so glad you are choosing the "I'll try it" route! That is exactly what Nick and I decided too! I am going to go for it, but if I need an epidural so be it! I at least want to try it. So glad you put this out there. I have a hard time talking to people about it because they judge saying, "If you say you're going in with an open mind you will get an epidural." I don't know what my body will say when the time comes, but I am going to try it naturally! Love you!

    1. Love you! Hope all is well with you guys, we are getting closer!!! :)