Sunday, January 22, 2012

No More Repeats

I didn't remember that today was January 22nd until Ian asked me about it an hour ago.  I thought about it all week and told myself to remember, but I forgot.  Isn't that weird?

A year ago today we were doing this.  Now, I am sitting here typing, 4 months pregnant, while Ian hangs blinds in our kitchen (we have a whole list of home projects to do before the lemon comes, of course).  Who knew this is where we'd be a year from now?  Life is strange.

I don't want to acknowledge today too much because instead of remembering the day we lost our blueberry, I'd like to remember his/her birthday every year as a celebration of his/her life instead.  The only thing I will say about today is - from this moment forward there are no more repeats.

There will be no more moments of "I was pregnant last year when we got our tree," or "I was pregnant last year when we went for nails on Christmas Eve" or "I told my family and friends I was pregnant today and am pregnant again."  No more repeats.  Today marks a fresh start, a real one, where every day is something new, a day I am pregnant for the very first time with a 4 month old baby.  Isn't that a lovely thought?

This has been my journey of "no comparisons" but it has been hard not to compare (at least in my head of not on here).  But today, there really can be no more comparisons.  It's like I finally have to live it all anew, and I love it.

One day at a time.  One baby at a time.  One thought at a time.  One memory at a time.  Staying positive, getting excited, looking towards the future - that's us.  So today will not be a sad day for us, instead it will be a day to move on, the last day that we will live in a shadow, and now can immerse ourselves fully in the light.  A day to stop worrying.  No more repeats.

The comments that I've received from those who have also experienced a loss have brought me to tears.  Sometimes I don't know what to say, but I have to speak from the heart.  Everything I say sounds like all of the things I would have hated someone to say to me, but they are what I truly believe - things WILL get better.  You WILL have another baby and everything will be ok next time.  It's hard to believe, but it will happen for you.  Reading your posts about how my experience has helped you has affected me in a way you'll never know, I can't even read the words I wrote a year ago today - still.  Thank you for reading, thank you for sharing and thank you for writing.  I wrote to help others, and I am happy it has helped you find your voice or to bring you peace.  I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

There is hope.  We are living proof.  Hang in there, be strong, stay positive and know that you are not alone.  We are all in this together, take one day at a time.  Breathe in, breathe out.  You can do this too, you will be here one day.  Have faith in yourself and those you love.  I am here for you. 


  1. such a refreshing feeling to 'move forward' and not compare past experiences anymore. Enjoy this amazing time and keep holding onto those positive thoughts!

    1. It's tough Julia, as you know, but we have no choice but to keep going and staying positive! I am SO excited to hear about your little girl - happy happy thoughts to you, your hubby and Truman! I can't wait until she's here and we get to see pics!!!

  2. I found you through the bump, and I'm so grateful that I did. Like you, I'm a teacher. Like you, I'm in my 30s. Like you, I'm married to my best friend. Like you, we learned we'd lost our little Blueberry in the month of January (2012, though). A week and a half later, it's better, but hope comes and goes. Stopping by here helps so much; it allows me to breathe again. A good friend reminded me that grief comes in waves and, just like when I'm swimming in the ocean, I just have to keep breathing and let the moment go by, trusting the water will recede.

    Thank you so much for giving me much-needed air.

    1. Tory, thank you for posting and sharing. It has been a long journey for me, and will be for you, but you have to keep going, we have no other choice. Grief will come and go, you will have light days and dark ones but soon, the light will overshadow the dark and things will feel better, trust me. Hang in there and don't give up, your little blueberry will return to you again just like mine has, just have faith and stay positive. It is interesting we have so much in common, I truly belive people find each other for a reason. Thank you for finding me, I am so happy I can help you on your journey. Keep me posted on your future, things WILL get better and you will have another chance. Lots of love to you and your husband. :)

    2. Allison these older posts of your lost baby bring back so many emotional times for me. I lost a total of 8 little ones not to include the triplet that was with my twins. To put your words down for others to read is important it helped me even now, several years later I still feel sad, an empty part of me so to speak. Thank you for sharing, it really does mean alot. XO