Friday, November 14, 2014

Feeling the Love

Recently, I received two emails from readers expressing their gratitude for finding this blog.  It makes me so happy when I get messages like this, because it means that by me sharing my journey it has helped others, and that was my goal in writing all along.  Writing here has helped me heal and I hope it helps other heal as well.  Plus, I am a mom who loves being on this journey with other moms; it makes me feel less alone figuring out this crazy motherhood thing, so I hope that in sharing my life others may feel less alone as well.  There is strength in unity.
Hi there, 
I just wanted to write to you to let you know how much of a blessing your blog has been to me. 

About two years ago, my identical twin, Laura, lost her baby at 6 weeks. She named her Poppy. (She was the size of a poppyseed when they found out about her). Laura has since had a beautiful healthy boy named William, but I will never ever forget the dark days, weeks, and months she endured while trying to cope with the loss of Poppy. 

Unfortunately, I am going through my own dark time right now. On Sunday, I began to lose my baby while on vacation in Cancun. The days I spent bleeding in Cancun are like a fuzzy dream to me. Laying on the beach knowing my baby was leaving me was awful, but there was a strange peace knowing that he was up in the sky or down in the waves, but still with me. 

Since I have returned home, I am experiencing what I can only describe as the worst time in my life. I am heartbroken, lost, angry, and feel so incredibly alone. My sister suggested that I read your blog about your little blueberry and I am so glad she did. The way you write about your babies and the way you feel reminds me so much of my sister and me. I love that you chose to name your daughter Lemon. Totally something I would do too. 

Reading your posts about the blueberry and how you coped with the loss of her is the only thing keeping me sane. I am so sad you went through that but so happy you have Lemon and it gives me such a feeling of hope. 

So thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your ups and downs and your darkest days and for helping me to feel a little less alone. It truly has kept me going and I can\'t thank you enough for that. 

Hi Allison,  
I have been reading your blog and following you on Instagram since January or so. I just have to take a moment to tell you how much I appreciate your blog.  
I went through a pregnancy loss last November. I felt like no one really understood what I was going through, even the people closest to me couldn't say anything to give me comfort. Up until that point in my life I had never really experienced a death (other than pets). I want to thank you for being courageously open and honest in your pregnancy loss blog. I am very grateful it was there for me. I identified with every word of it (for real, every word!). It was like a guiding light through the darkest experience of my life to that point. I was full of fear that I may never be a mom. I would read ahead and see that you eventually became a mom to an amazingly adorable girl. It gave me hope. 
In late April, I found out I was pregnant again. I identified with your entries about early lemon pregnancy, I was cautiously excited about my pregnancy. Again, I felt comfort and hope in your words.
I am now 24 weeks pregnant with my baby girl Hannah due January 7, 2015. I am currently reading your pregnancy and motherhood blog (I used your baby gear recommendations to make our baby registry).  
I hope this message communicates how grateful I am that you documented your experience. 
Thank you so much for everything you do! 

I have written many times about this (most recently here), but today I am just feeling so much love from all of you, and all of my peeps over on Instagram and Facebook.  I try to put so much love and gratitude out into the universe daily, and it's so fun when it comes back.  I can just feel the love sometimes, and I hope you can feel me sending it to you as well.  I read somewhere that the energy from your heart radiates 15 feet from your body, at all times, and that really stuck with me.  All of that love and good energy, going out 15 from me every time I walk somewhere or stand somewhere - no matter where I am.  Imagine if everyone believed in that energy, imagine if we could see it.  Wouldn't that be magical?  I imagine that it's there, I believe in it.  I try to remember every day, the energy my heart puts out.

When we lost our first muffin I didn't want to write anymore, but I'm so happy I continued with these posts.  This blog has definitely changed over the years (so much Lemon!) but I can't forget where it started and how I started on this journey.  I used to think that people started reading because it was a pregnancy blog, then a loss blog and then just me rambling about recovering from that loss - and why would anyone want to read that?  But, then it was a pregnancy blog again, a baby one (full of way too many pictures, I know) and now a toddler one as well as one where I promote other businesses/products I love, but I am trying to still share some pieces of my life here as well (but I am just so short on time - aren't we all?!).  I actually lost some steam this summer when I found a place where negative people lived and breathed, just to talk about other people.  So, I took down some posts and decided it wasn't worth it anymore.  Why would I continue to write to feed such negativity?  But, then I dusted myself off and got back up and soldiered on - a little wiser and more cautious this time around (and that is why you may notice some posts are not as complete as others, or frequent).  This is something I've actually never shared before.

It is an inner battle now for me - What do I write about?  How much can I share?  What kinds of pictures should I post and how many?  Who is reading?  What do they think?  I appreciate blogs that are "real" and when I set out to write this one, only my friends and family were reading it, so it was all me, written for eyes that I knew personally and that loved us no matter what.  But, as more and more people read (and followed us on IG), I was accused of "sharing too much."  It was crazy to me because I am a real person and this is my real life, and most of the time it is so boring there isn't much to write about!  So, when I found out such negativity existed, it just floored me.

Instead of focusing on the negativity, this post is about the positivity I still feel every day from all of you.  I read every comment you post on my IG, I read every email and even though it may take me awhile to respond, I appreciate all of your kind words.  I also appreciate you hanging in there through reviews, giveaways, apparel tags on my photos and Moms on Mondays posts - I am just trying to share the love by helping other mamas who are trying to succeed in a home-based business so (most) can stay home with their little ones.  I am lucky to be given these opportunities (and so many moccs!), but I also have worked hard to get where I am today, in all aspects of my life.  Nothing has ever been handed to me, I'm an only child that has worked for everything I've ever gotten, and I definitely know that hard work pays off.  So here I am, chugging along.

We are all doing our best out here in cyberspace and it makes me happy when my cyber "space" collides with yours, even in a small way, so that I have a glimpse into your life, as well as yours into mine.  I know that you are real, have bad days as well as good ones, and will never judge you because you only post the good stuff - that's why the internet is so much fun.  (Although I do encourage all of you to participate in #FRF #forrealfridays because those are just as fun to see too!)

Thank you for your love and support, I definitely feel it.  And, if you were here, standing within 15 feet of me, I know you'd feel the energy coming from my heart, and into yours.  :)

Here is my #forrealfriday pic - Lemon watching Play-Doh videos on the iPad (does anyone else's kid watch these?) and My Little Pony on TV while I got ready this morning.  You gotta do what you gotta do.  :)

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  1. I love reading about you and your Lemon. It makes the world a little brighter. You keep the grim world so much brighter with your sweet stories about your Lemon. Thank you for making the world a brighter and lovelier place.

  2. My 3 little ones also watch those crazy Play Doh videos! LOL

  3. Hi, this is Laura, the twin of the first email writer who lost her daughter. I just read this post and feel the need to thank you myself. Although I didn't find your blog until after I had my son and had made peace with my miscarriage, it still helped me because it allowed me to help my sister. One night after my son was in bed, I happened upon your blog, read the entire thing and cried for hours. I could have written everything you wrote. It took me back to a very sad place, but I was also so happy that you have Lemon and I have William. Anyway, I am so thankful that as my sister sadly experienced the same thing, I had somewhere to tell her to go. When I lost Poppy, I did not find anything like your blog, I didn't find anyone who understood the emotions of your baby would have been nice to know that somewhere out there there was someone who REALLY got it and understood what a devastating loss it was. So thank you for your blog for helping me help sister! And I agree, I don't think there is a more meaningful and beautiful name that you could have given your daughter. :)