I know I am so lucky and should feel so grateful for all of the amazing opportunities and blessings in my life; but this is my blog so for right now I just want to complain. Is that ok? Sometimes we need to just get it all out, and my mama heart is aching, so this is my space to hold all of these feelings so that I don't let them conquer me.
I miss my family. I am gone too much. I work all day long (we leave the house at 7am and don't get home until 4pm), and I miss Lemon so much while I'm at work. Monday through Friday, same old schedule, working to get to summer when we have every day together. I love my job and don't want to stop working, I just wished I worked closer to home so I could have lunch with Lemon or worked from home one day a week or something, just so I'm not gone so much.
Lately she doesn't want me to leave in the morning. She loves Brittany, our friend and nanny, but wants her mama to stay home with her. She misses me and asks me every night if I am home tomorrow or if Brittany is coming, and I hate having to tell her that Brittany is coming. We are so lucky and our situation is so awesome, Brittany is a member of our family and does so much for us, I am not complaining. I just miss my girl as much as she misses me, we are so deeply attached and have been since the day she was born.
Every Wednesday night I leave at 7pm (sometimes at 5 if I want to do yoga before training) and don't get home until around 10pm (and am up at 5:45am for school the next day). Every other Friday I am gone from 5-8pm and every other Saturday from 10am-3:30pm. For a mama so used to being with her baby every second on her off time, it has been really hard on me . . . on all of us. No one else in my training has a small babe, is pregnant and works full time - all at once. My family has been so amazing and supportive but this has all just taken its toll on us. Thank goodness for my husband or I would be a total mess.
I am gone a lot. If I weren't gone during the day, it would be easier. But, I am. This summer it will be a piece of cake but that's 4 months away - we have 4 more months of trying to make this work. Last night, at teacher training, we were told that we would also have to sign up to help with Intro classes that are on Thursdays from 6-8pm, 3 classes in one month. I just about started to cry. I have no time and I can't miss anymore time, I can't be gone another day during the week, even if for just a month. How do I tell them that I am hanging on by a thread and am about to cry at any moment? How do I express how grateful I am, how amazing it is to be a part of this program I've waited 10 yeas for - but also how I just can't commit to spending any more time away from home? How do I appear so grateful but also express how my family needs me? Ugh.
I am on the verge of tears and spent last night crying by myself in bed until 11pm. I am so unbelievably tired and just feel like I have no time for myself, let alone for my family. Not to mention, all of this is taking its toll on my patience as well, and I am not the mama or wife I once was - before I was pregnant and before this training. I miss a simpler time when it was just a fit me, I had tons of energy and wasn't carrying this babe, and had lots of time at home with my muffins. Is it wrong to miss that? I feel guilty when I write/say things like that because I am so blessed to have this baby boy growing and coming into our family, but it is all just a lot at the same time.
And, it has only been a month. Should I stop worrying about it and realize that it's just until the end of July (really until the end of May that things are so crazy), and suck it up and remember that this is just a blink of time in the big scheme of things; Lemon won't even remember it? Or do I drive myself nuts and feel guilty the whole time knowing that these are the last few months we have as a family of three and I am missing them? Do I quit for the first time in my life, something I've dreamed about for a long time, so that I can be with my family and everything is easier again? So that I have time to myself, time to give to my loved ones and time to just breathe? I can't quit but I sure do want to, today.
My mama heart is breaking and I can't stand another night holding my babe in bed while she cries. This was just a one day training week too, I dread the three day ones (next week) when I should, instead, be excited about them. I love it when I'm there, it's the getting there and coming home that is so tough. Can I really do this? Is summer here yet? Then baby boy is here and things are hectic in another way, and my girl still doesn't get the attention she needs. Am I a horrible mother? Am I a terrible wife? And what about my friends?!
Lift me up friends, tell me that it gets easier. Tell me that my time away will all be worth it in the end, and that if I don't do this now I won't have the chance for another 4 + years probably. Tell me it will be ok and things will come together and it will get better. Tell me anything.
All the feels today as I sit at my desk, barely keeping my eyes open and tears wait at the back of my eyes. Feeling like my spirit is broken today, like I made the wrong decision, like I am letting my family down . . . letting myself down . . . letting Lemon down.