Thursday, February 11, 2016

Today's Feelings

Today I am feeling so overwhelmed and tired.  I spent the morning, while my kids were on computers, answering emails I haven't gotten to in months and realizing that I just have no time anymore.  None.  Nothing extra can be added to my life or I will go crazy and have to be committed, for reals.  I got home at 10pm last night, to a baby that will still awake waiting for me, and snuggled her while she cried until 10:30 because I was gone again all night.  I don't know if I can take this anymore.

I know I am so lucky and should feel so grateful for all of the amazing opportunities and blessings in my life; but this is my blog so for right now I just want to complain.  Is that ok?  Sometimes we need to just get it all out, and my mama heart is aching, so this is my space to hold all of these feelings so that I don't let them conquer me.

I miss my family.  I am gone too much.  I work all day long (we leave the house at 7am and don't get home until 4pm), and I miss Lemon so much while I'm at work.  Monday through Friday, same old schedule, working to get to summer when we have every day together.  I love my job and don't want to stop working, I just wished I worked closer to home so I could have lunch with Lemon or worked from home one day a week or something, just so I'm not gone so much.

Lately she doesn't want me to leave in the morning.  She loves Brittany, our friend and nanny, but wants her mama to stay home with her.  She misses me and asks me every night if I am home tomorrow or if Brittany is coming, and I hate having to tell her that Brittany is coming.  We are so lucky and our situation is so awesome, Brittany is a member of our family and does so much for us, I am not complaining.  I just miss my girl as much as she misses me, we are so deeply attached and have been since the day she was born.

Every Wednesday night I leave at 7pm (sometimes at 5 if I want to do yoga before training) and don't get home until around 10pm (and am up at 5:45am for school the next day).  Every other Friday I am gone from 5-8pm and every other Saturday from 10am-3:30pm.  For a mama so used to being with her baby every second on her off time, it has been really hard on me . . . on all of us.  No one else in my training has a small babe, is pregnant and works full time - all at once.  My family has been so amazing and supportive but this has all just taken its toll on us.  Thank goodness for my husband or I would be a total mess.

I am gone a lot.  If I weren't gone during the day, it would be easier.  But, I am.  This summer it will be a piece of cake but that's 4 months away - we have 4 more months of trying to make this work.  Last night, at teacher training, we were told that we would also have to sign up to help with Intro classes that are on Thursdays from 6-8pm, 3 classes in one month.  I just about started to cry.  I have no time and I can't miss anymore time, I can't be gone another day during the week, even if for just a month.  How do I tell them that I am hanging on by a thread and am about to cry at any moment?  How do I express how grateful I am, how amazing it is to be a part of this program I've waited 10 yeas for - but also how I just can't commit to spending any more time away from home?  How do I appear so grateful but also express how my family needs me?  Ugh.

I am on the verge of tears and spent last night crying by myself in bed until 11pm.  I am so unbelievably tired and just feel like I have no time for myself, let alone for my family.  Not to mention, all of this is taking its toll on my patience as well, and I am not the mama or wife I once was - before I was pregnant and before this training.  I miss a simpler time when it was just a fit me, I had tons of energy and wasn't carrying this babe, and had lots of time at home with my muffins.  Is it wrong to miss that?  I feel guilty when I write/say things like that because I am so blessed to have this baby boy growing and coming into our family, but it is all just a lot at the same time.

And, it has only been a month.  Should I stop worrying about it and realize that it's just until the end of July (really until the end of May that things are so crazy), and suck it up and remember that this is just a blink of time in the big scheme of things; Lemon won't even remember it?  Or do I drive myself nuts and feel guilty the whole time knowing that these are the last few months we have as a family of three and I am missing them?  Do I quit for the first time in my life, something I've dreamed about for a long time, so that I can be with my family and everything is easier again?  So that I have time to myself, time to give to my loved ones and time to just breathe?  I can't quit but I sure do want to, today.

My mama heart is breaking and I can't stand another night holding my babe in bed while she cries.  This was just a one day training week too, I dread the three day ones (next week) when I should, instead, be excited about them.  I love it when I'm there, it's the getting there and coming home that is so tough.  Can I really do this?  Is summer here yet?  Then baby boy is here and things are hectic in another way, and my girl still doesn't get the attention she needs.  Am I a horrible mother?  Am I a terrible wife?  And what about my friends?!

Lift me up friends, tell me that it gets easier.  Tell me that my time away will all be worth it in the end, and that if I don't do this now I won't have the chance for another 4 + years probably.  Tell me it will be ok and things will come together and it will get better.  Tell me anything.

All the feels today as I sit at my desk, barely keeping my eyes open and tears wait at the back of my eyes.  Feeling like my spirit is broken today, like I made the wrong decision, like I am letting my family down . . . letting myself down . . . letting Lemon down.

Pin It


  1. Allison, you're a great mother and the fact you're even posting about this shows that you caring and definitely NOT a bad mom/wife/friend. Know that these things come in waves or all at once and right now it's just hitting all at once, but the time will come where you have accomplished your dreams and are able to spend much more time with your precious family. To be grateful for good times you have to go through some difficult ones, but that makes it all the better. This too shall pass and Lemon might be sad right now, but for her and you it'll make those moments sweeter where you two will be able to bond. You're an inspiration for all moms out there, trying to juggle with everyday life, their dreams, and their strong love for their family. Keep fighting! You got this And I believe in you(: - Laura

  2. No way are you letting anyone down girl. If anything Lemon will admire you for all the hard work you've done and will do. Sure it's not easy leaving your family as you pursue your dreams but if not now then when? Lemon knows you love her so much as is evident in all your photos and videos. I don't know you personally but I just want to tell you that you're an amazing mom.

  3. Can you defer your training? We did way too much before #2 was born (hubby got his dream job, I got a huge promotion, we bought a house, etc.), and my time with #1 just fell by the wayside. I regret not cherishing the last days with just the two of us. Instead, it was spent moving, unpacking, and swollen. It's taken a good 6 months to get close to where we were before all the craziness. You can become a yoga teacher later. Lemon will only be this age now. Hugs.

  4. I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. I know you are an amazing mom and wife and friend!!! Your little girl wouldn't be up waiting for you if you weren't. I wish I had encouraging words. I know that being a working mom is hard, very hard. I know it's not what you want to hear but I think you should try to simplify again. If you think this opportunity to teach will come again then try again later. I have told myself there are seasons in life and some are here now and will pass and others will come later. I think no matter what you decide it will all work out. Your family loves you and they know you love them too. Sending positive thoughts your way!!

  5. Maybe you can postpone the yoga teaching? It feels like there is going to be a lot of changes in your young daughter's life this year with the new baby. I think it's important to make more time for her especially when time with just her will be very limited once baby comes. Spending time with your daughter at this age is something you will never get back however yoga teaching will still be around later on. But thats just my opinion. If you decide to do all, more power to you =). good luck!

  6. I am 21 weeks pregnant myself... and have just recently reduced my work hours to part time. I cannot even imagine how busy and exhausted you must be feeling at this moment. I have a nap everyday after work (I work in childcare). I don't have any tips or advice, just wanted to give you both thumps up for getting so far. Remember that children - and your daughter -are strong and resilient and can deal with pretty much everything you throw at them... and the immense guilt you feel may be temporary due to mummy-to-be hormones. It sounds like you have a wonderful and constant person looking after Lemon, which is fantastic! However, your own health is so very important too, don't forget about yourself, ok?

  7. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know exactly how you feel. For me I always felt like working is fun, and being a Mom is REALLY fun, but being a working mom is not fun. :(. Plus with your yoga and your night classes..., I don't know how you do it. But I was in a similar situation when my kids were little, and I'll tell you what I wished I did in retrospect - give up everything at any cost to get to be with my kids and raise them when they were little. In my case that would have meant moving back in with my parents because my spouse died when they were very little and I had no other financial help. But nope, I just had to be too proud and continue working, going to college and try to keep up with the Jones'. It's the biggest regret of my entire life. Those things are good, but they could have waited. Trust me when they get around 12 they start naturally pulling away, and then working and doing things outside of the home become fun again. There's a reason you feel this way. Listen to yourself before your body breaks down and forces you to. Nicole G.