Thursday, May 5, 2011

Life moves pretty fast . . .

. . . if you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.  Ain't that the truth.

The older you get the faster the days go by.  It's fun when you only have 7 full days left of school (like us, yippee!) but not so fun when you get to spend a whole day with your husband doing absolutely nothing and all of a sudden it is 8pm out of nowhere.  I remember when I was young life moved so slow, minutes felt like hours.  But now, it is just whizzing by.  Is this what people mean when they are on their death beds talking about how life was just a blur?  Or when parents say their kids grew up so fast?  You don't fully grasp this until you get older and it happens to you.

So, that's what happens.  I know this blog was supposed to be a pregnancy blog, then it turned into a life blog for awhile and hopefully one day again it will be about babies.  Having to write about life is really hard when you're old, because it just flies by.  I think of so many things I could blog about but never have the time to do it, I actually have to make the time.  I miss the good old days of nothing to do, but 7 days from now I will have more time and can't wait!

So, here's what has been going on.  On my way to yoga a couple of weeks ago, driving down the same street that I always have (for the past 4 years), I looked to my left and realized that my dad's old apartments were there.  I remember when my parents got divorced and my dad moved to 10th street and Camelback, it seemed like the other side of the world for a 15 year old girl.  I had to take the bus there and didn't like staying there because it was so far from everything I knew.  But, now, I drive down that street at least once a week and sometimes even twice on my way to yoga.  It's funny because it seems like a whole other life, when I was in high school, when my parents were still married to each other, when it seemed the world revolved around you.  But now, things are different and we are older, and a bit wiser.  It's funny reflecting on who you used to be.  Never forget it, just put it in your backpack and carry it with you, who you used to be is part of who you are now. 

I experienced this at my high school reunion.  I read this book and Robert Fulghum said that you should always go to your reunions, at least one, to see who you were and how it made you who you are today.  I agreed with that, and other things he said (we actually took our wedding vows out of that book too) so I went.  I wasn't really friends with anyone in my grade, all my besties are a year younger, so I was worried if it would be fun or boring.  It turns out, we had a blast!  We hung with a couple of girls I used to hang with, their husbands/boyfriend were awesome and kept mine company as I flitted around the place talking to everyone.  That night made me realize that all the years I spent blaming others for my unhappy high school experience, could really be because I shut people out as well.  I think I was so jaded and felt so "different" that I went around acting like a jerk to anyone that wasn't like me.  So I was partly to blame for my feeling of alienation.  What an amazing realiztion!  It made me put this piece of knowledge in my backpack and take it with me, learning more about myself than I knew before.

Life is like that.  It's hard to relate to someone in their early 20's because they think the world is against them and they have to struggle just to get by.  Everything seems like a disaster or a BIG DEAL when really it isn't.  I relate better to my 16 year old students for some reason, I guess I feel they aren't so set in their ways.  Your 30's are pretty fun, life seems to click and things just make sense.  I like it and feel the best I've ever felt at this stage in my life.  Recently, my friends and I talked about how cute we are now compared to in our 20's - who let us walk around looking like that when we had such young bodies and were so cute and little?  Now, just when you are figuring out your style and what hairstyle looks good on you, you have to work your butt off to look as good as you did in your 20's!  I wish we would have enjoyed it more then!  (And let's not even talk about all the tattoos we wish we could all remove - take note little ones!)

A friend died this past week.  She was like an aunt, part of my family ever since I was little.  Her death was sudden (aren't they all?) and it was so sad.  She left behind her daughter who will miss her terribly, as well as all of us.  I hate cancer and wish we could find a cure already.  Aren't there people working around the clock on this, people whose JOB it is to find a cure?  Ugh, I hate it.  It made me think of my step-mother, Leslee, and made me remember her in the hospital.  Those were dark days too.  Isn't it strange how when someone dies it's as if a hole appears in the sky (in your world) and it's like it will never go away?  And then, over time, the hole is still there, and you still notice it, but it gets smaller and smaller.  And suddenly you can breathe again and think clearly again, but every once in awhile you remember the hole.  That's how it was this week, my hole got a little bigger with the passing of my friend.

So, it's the end of the year and soon I will say goodbye to my kiddos.  I don't know if it's me or them, but these past two years I have really enjoyed my students.  Only teachers understand this but when you say goodbye to a group of kids, it's like watching a movie and turning it off before the end.  Sure, you will see them next year, but you won't really KNOW them anymore, you won't get to see what happens after high school and in life.  We finished our novel (another one of my favorite books) today in class and I almost cried at the very end.  Every year when we finish I know the year is over, and I get emotional (even after 11 years).  I wish them all the very best in life and hope they keep in touch.

My job is also ending this year.  I will still be a teacher but will no longer be a department chair.  I heard recently that a teacher was placed on leave for talking badly about her job on a blog, so I won't do that here, but I will say that it has been an interesting year.  With all of our personal stuff, and the demands of this position, it has been one of the hardest years of my life.  I can't wait for 7 days from now, when I'm sitting at Dos Gringos (you're all invited!) and can drink a margarita and toast to this horrible year being finally over.  Come and join us, I will tell you all about it!

I will leave you with one last thing.  At my yoga class on Tuesdays we sing the Anusara Invocation.  If you are new to the class it is weird, three rounds of singing (especially when you don't know the words), but having been there a long time, I know the words now and sing along.  I looked up the song a couple of years ago but did not fully grasp it's meaning until lately.  For some reason, just in the past couple of months, it has almost brought me to tears every time.  Just singing it, feeling everyone's energy and feeling the peacefulness of being together and not having to do anything else besides focus on your own energy, completes me.  We sing it in Sanskrit and I now fully understand the words and the meaning of the song.  I have included it with its translation:

namah shivaya gurave
saccidananda murtaye
nisprapancaya shantaya
niralambaya tejase

I offer myself to the Light, who is the true teacher
within and without (the teacher of all teachers),
who assumes the forms of
reality, consciousness and bliss,
who is never absent and is full of peace,
independent in its existence,
it is the vital essence of illumination.

I wish you could hear the tune, it is really beautiful, everyone singing at once.  It makes you bring your focus inward, and slows you down to reflect on your life.  Since life move so fast, times like this are so precious.  If you'd like to hear the song without attending the class, I would be happy to sing it for you next time I see you.  Namaste.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, my little one, how you can sum thing up that I've been thinking. I feel like this week has "beat me up!" I feel bruised and hurting, and then I think of you and all the other blessings in my life. Most of the time I wake up full of energy and face the light. But lately I feel like I'm in a dark hole with the light far away and it is a struggle to find the sun. Part of it is being tired, but part of it is pure helplessness, how I felt when you were in the hospital, and Debbie was lying in bed dying and Stormy was speaking about her last words with her mom! I wish I can make it better and I don't feel strong enough this week. I'm so glad I have a strong daughter to lean on though. Thank you for helping me get through this week. You, Joe, my faith are the light for me! And don't kid yourself, but the light spoken about in your song can only be God! Love you, my daughter!